Aibu expecting a token birthday gift of MIL

[ByBreezyBee]

Aibu that I'm feeling quite offended that my MIL seems to have stopped buying me for my birthday. I worry that might come across as spoilt or greedy but honestly I'm not, a cheap bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine would make all the difference. She buys for my husband, our DS's and I assume she probably does for my SILs (?) but I'm beggining to feel a bit paranoid. The weird thing is that she quite openly admits I'm her favourite DIL, I do a lot for her, involve her in all my family events, take her for appointment , invite her over for evenings, take her shopping...etc... DH thinks it's because she's so close to me that she taking me for granted and I shouldn't be offended as it's just the way she is. It's started with my 50th, I picked her up to save her getting an expensive taxi, she said she hadn't got me anything but she was going to get me something nice, that never happened, I brushed it off as it just her being her and I really want bothered. The following year nothing again and again I brushed it off. This year has probably wound me up more because she asked me if what she was planning to buy her other DIL for her 50th was ok, I just said yes. She also made the effort to buy my husband a nice bottle for his birthday last month, she even bought me some flowers on his birthday and when I asked her what they were for she said it was because I invited her! Then DH picks her up for my birthday gathering and she brings me a card and doesn't even say sorry I haven't brought a gift, which made me feel quite sad to be honest. I always make an effort to buy her really nice gifts for her birthday and Christmas. I'm beggining to wonder what I've done wrong. To be fair to her she is otherwise a very generous person, she will oten bring bottles of wine when I invite her over and I have a brilliant relationship with her but this has annoyed me!

The only way of knowing is to ask her.

Maybe she sees you as an extension of her son rather than as a person in your own right, and that you are effectively 'covered' by her gifts to him. It's perfectly OK to match her effort, i.e. not give her anything for Christmas or her birthday.

I could have wrote this post!!OP match her vibe.It's not being greedy-she happily accepts your gifts.

Absolutely match her vibe; whatever the reason, she’s changed the dynamic and it’s hurt you.

Not right . I would never do this to my DIL . You have every right to feel annoyed.

Meet her with the same energy. When she asks about it, say that you thought that since she stopped, you didn’t do that anymore.

If you have a good relationship, I wouldn't let this small thing sour it. Just don't do gifts anymore.

If you have a generally good relationship I'd ask her about it. Just in the context of her present "Shelia I noticed you haven't bought me a birthday gift for the last 3 years... Are we stopping doing presents as I'd just like to get it correct for your birthday in September".

Otherwise just withdraw quietly. Don't get her taxis, simple card for her birthday etc. But yes there is something going on. Or get hubby to have a word?

My MIL had fallen out with my husband just before my 50th so rang me on the day and said "happy birthday! We have decided to stop doing adult birthday gifts from now on". I said OK no problem. FIL birthday was a few weeks later so I told him about some lovely wine I'd bought him but been unable to give him as adult gifts are stopped.

By xmas they had changed their minds and wanted gifts again!

I completely disagree with this from your DH:

'DH thinks it's because she's so close to me that she taking me for granted and I shouldn't be offended as it's just the way she is.'

She remembers and makes the effort to buy presents for your children and your husband who I assume she is also very close to. I think you should be offended and your husband should have had a quiet word with his mum about it.

You are doing all the work in the relationship and you go above and beyond for your MIL and yet you are snubbed when it comes to birthdays and Christmas presents. The fact that she has the brass neck to ask for your advice about suitable gifts for her other DIL is adding insult to injury. This is self-absorption at its finest and is very unfair to you.

You should match her energy when it comes to buying her gifts. I would imagine that you also buy on behalf of your husband and your children who do receive thoughtful gifts from her. Just stop doing this and wait for her to complain to your husband.

When she asked you about other DIL present that was the perfect time to say ‘oh I thought you weren’t doing DIL presents anymore’. Next time presents are mentioned, bring it up like that eg before her next birthday, ask if you’re still doing presents and see what she says about her lack of presents to you.

Thanks for the feedback so far, I think perhaps my 50th could have been a bit absent minded and I do now wonder if she has decided not to buy all the DIL for (non milestone) birthdays anymore but forgot to actually mention it, I am tempted to ask one of them, but if this is what she is doing I still don't think that's right to buy her sons. I would never treat my son's girlfriend any different to him and he's only been with her a few years. I think it hurts more because I do so much for her throughout the year, I treat her like my own Mum, and she spends all her birthdays and Christmas with us as I don't want her left on her own. Oh and I'm the one buying her mother's day gift too! I agree with those who have said I shouldn't buy for her birthday but I know that I will find that really difficult to do when the time comes, I would feel embarrassed handing her a card and no gift but that obviously doesn't bother her! 😕
@Isthisit22 yes, I really wish I had said that at the time but it was before my most recent birthday, although I was annoyed at the question!

I'm sorry this is happening to you.It's very unfair.
I would be hurt by it. Your feelings are entirely valid so don't feel bad for being upset.
I could never do that to my family.
I wonder why she does it.

Sorry I forgot to add that in future I just wouldn't bother buying any presents for her

She is completely taking you for granted and that is not nice.
Yanbu to not like it.
I don't like being taken for granted and I pull back when it has happened.
Sounds like you do too much wife work, it's thankless.
Eaten bread is quickly forgotten and all that!

Is this relationship with mil very one sided? It sounds like you do a lot for her, she does stuff for everyone else and what does she do for you?
Id tell your dh that you’re hurt by this and he should ask her why she excludes you from gifts when she gets gifts for everyone else and you do so much for her.

My mil didn’t even know my birthday im sure, sporadically I would get a card or a bottle of wine if we happened to be seeing her (guessing now exh had tipped her off) but never remembered otherwise, no biggy, just wish she would remember the kids now

As you say, she clearly isn’t embarrassed so pull back. Why are you doing all the buying/organising anyway? Does your Dh have no hands??

Surely it's time for you to stop with the Mother's day stuff!? Leave that to her own children! And can't her son ask her why she didn't bother getting you anything for your 50th, and point out how disrespectful it seems for her to then ask you for advice about a present for someone else's 50th?

Your MIL's relationship with you can be summed up with the saying 'familiarity breeds contempt'. She absolutely takes you for granted but makes an effort for everyone else.

What she is doing is very hurtful and the fact that you treat her better than lots of people treat their own mums makes her behaviour even more unacceptable.

What was she like when your DS was young? Was she really helpful and did she offer child care/baby sitting? I'm wondering whether she did a lot to help you and now feels as though she is 'entitled' to your generosity and being treated like your own mother.

Stop buying for her. Husband can sort it out if he wants. I'd also stop being overly generous in trying to make sure she is included all the time.

@thepariscrimefiles she does a bank transfer at Christmas for the kids and a shared amount between me and my DH so she isn't leaving me out there.
She has otherwise been a very good MIL and grandmother over the years, it's literally just this birthday thing that's felt hurtful. I think I'll be asking at least one of my SILs if she is the same with her, I will be very upset if she buys for the others but even if she doesn't normally it's still not nice to buy for your son's and not their wives, especially when your invited to their celebrations.

Pick the phone up and ask her