Monster in law rant😳

[YourDenimTraybake]

Sorry this is just a rant. But it’s really bugging me.
I have a standard rubbish relationship with monster in law. She loves my kids but hates me. 🤷🏼‍♀️
She loathes the freaking guts out of me. I could write a book of all the times she has hurt me but this is the latest…

Last night we had ran out of excuses to say no to dinner. So we went. I put my foot in it somewhere along the evening and she messages my husband today to express her discontent that i’d put her in her place. I can’t remember what I said and she won’t tell us because apparently ‘we were in the room’ so i should remember. So i’m in her bad books because i’ve said something wrong again thats she’s taken personally and will hold it against me for a few months

Do you know though it’s not last night that bothers me all that much? It’s the fact that when we’re there she goes on and on about how amazing her daughter and SIL are. Oh these are my BIL potatoes from his allotment. I almost felt sick. I’d eaten them by this point.

Oh by the way, BIL is on the red list! He’s been recently reoffended. And i just ate his friggin potatoes! She harps on about perfect he is and he’s such a saint and yet he’s been living in their house for the last 7 months because he can’t be around his kid in his own home. He’s back with his kid now because “apparently” it’s data from his first offence and he’s now done nothing wrong.🙄 Once a SA always one in my opinion. It’s so messed up. She constantly puts him on a pedestal because in her eyes he’s done nothing wrong. She also kept the fact she had a SA staying in her house for 7 months a secret from everyone - a woman who also harps on about how she despises secrecy.

I just wonder in my delusional mind that if they talk about him and sister in law so much whilst we are there, what on earth do they talk about when they are with them. Us? Probably? About how i always put her in her place. 🙄

Oh darling if i began to put you in your place i wouldn’t stop.

Sorry rant over. She is an insufferable person but she loves my kids and whilst i don’t have enough money to escape to New Zealand😂 I’ve got to stick it out just a little while longer.

I would personally just stop tolerating the behaviour . I’ve had to do this with my own family.

She thinks she can behave how she wants towards you and there are no consequences. I would stop making excuses and just not go. If she asks just say that her behaviour is unreasonable and you no longer will tolerate it. Let DH take the kids.

These people behave like this because they think they’re untouchable. You don’t have to put up with it

Don’t go. Let DH take the kids you stay at home

And I wouldn’t be letting the kids anywhere near BIL and would be happy to tell them all why

OP I could have written this. Finally bit the bullet after 21 years together and said enough is enough. We’re polite infront of the children but we don’t socialise anymore together. My DH will take the kids and meet her without me or she now babysits them at her house rather than being at ours. I can’t take it anymore. Been like this for last year and it’s bliss. Relented this last weekend and took her for a meal to say thanks for watching the kids while we worked and instantly regretted it, never again. Will leave DH to it next time

Just don’t see her any more. DH can go without you.

@YourDenimTraybake you do not have to see her. Let dh deal with his mum. My Mil is lovely but my friends only got horror stories so I guess I'm lucky.

Its been bliss actually for best of the year because I wouldn’t go to the house because of BIL being there. So maybe what you say is a good idea. It’s so toxic these environments. It does not do your mental health any good.
Glad you were able to step away from it. I can see the appeal for sure☺️

I am so glad there are some good ones out there. My sister has a wonderful one too. I have two boys so I am making a list of the things I will never do as a mother in law if they ever marry.

I'm with you, OP. My in laws are also harbouring my BIL who is a child sex offender. We've all gone NC now - DH included. Hope you find a way to keep away from her. NEVER trust her with your kids if she minimises BIL's behaviour.

Please don't promote the misogynistic myth of the "standard rubbish" MIL relationship. Just as most men get on fine with the son-in-law, women can manage this too, and love and appreciate other women who are connected to their children by blood-and would run through fire to save them!
Obviously there are some people who don't get on (and you talk about specifics but it's the standard rubbish that isn't fair), but most of us do hope to have good relationships with the woman who raised the man we love.

I appreciate this, and perhaps to assume everyone has this kind of relationship is a bad assumption or cliche. I am surrounded by a mixed bag of people with good and bad relationships with their mother in laws.

I guess I’m riled up at the moment so went in straight with assumption that most folk would understand.

People have tried to ‘manage’ this woman for years but everyone has left her because she’s is toxic to everyone that comes across her path. It’s not just me. I knew this before i married into their family, trust me! I try really hard. Really hard. 13 years in and I’m still trying. But these last 7 months of her harbouring my BIL, and passing it off like it’s nothing just really ticks me off.

That’s a really good idea. My MIL had a monster in law and said she promised herself she’d never be like that with her own DIL’s. She’s a sweetie and I’m know I’m very lucky with her. We’re off shopping today.

Mine isnt the best
i'd say carefully manage it and just don't engage.

I haven't been to my mils house in 5 years.
She comes dowm 5 times a year or so ive reduced that to fri night - Sunday lunch.i step out for a portion of sat or sun and go to bed early sat night.

Stop enabling her behaviour. I suspect she's been allowed to do this all her life and it's her go-to mode of operation. Cut her off at the roots and she'll soon wither.

Well you took your family to the home of a sexual abuser, and you criticise your mother in law whilst neatly omitting the cause of her criticism of you, so I would say that YABU.

Im so sorry you have such issues. Im the mil. I have 2 dil. Never overstep the mark. My opinions are kept to myself. Never give advice unless asked for. I do think highly of both dil and love them to bits. Love my grandchildren to death! Would walk through fire for them 🥰 so we do exist lol. But guess its really just the bad ones that you hear about

Did you take your children to a house where a convicted sexual abuser is living?! WTAFFFFFF?

So strange isn't it. I got two teenage sons and if one of them (100% sure they won't) would turn out to be a child sex offender I can honestly say that I wouldn't have them in my house. I would try to help them paying for private counselling and try to find living accomodation far away from children and see them outside but I would never ever have them in the vicinity of a child!

In the US there are many gated senior communities where children are banned. Maybe this is could be a solution in the UK as well?

I got to the point I said No - which is what she wanted just my ex and the kids.
Personally if your husband cares about it he needs to say
Mum,
I am writing to make a final and absolute boundary clear regarding your behaviour towards Jane.
For years, you have consistently been rude and insulting to my wife. When called out, you reverse the situation, play the victim, and demand apologies that you do not deserve. Jane is my wife and the mother of my children. Being rude to her is an insult to our entire family, and we will no longer tolerate it.
We have endured this treatment for 20 years, and we are finished. Effective immediately, all contact between you and our family will cease. Do not call, text, write, or attempt to visit any of us.
If you ever wish to have a relationship with us in the future, it will require a complete, genuine apology to Jane and a permanent correction in how you treat her. Until you are capable of that reflection, do not contact us.

Hang on!! No. Way. Ever. He was hiding there basically. We never went there when he was there. He did eventually go back to his family home which is why we went for dinner this week. But no i would never let my kids go near him. Never