AIBU to consider ending a long relationship when I am unhappy?

[Sugarplum5]

To end a 20 year relationship when no longer happy?
Partner has never been very supportive, I do majority of housework, childcare and spending on bills etc. He can be very selfish. We have very little support so rarely any time together. Emotionally unavailable. He's never been unfaithful or physically abusive hut sometimes verbally. I have spoken to him but nothing changes. He would be devastated to separate and its killing me knowing how hurt he would be, me wanting other things in life. I feel so confused. 4 children three of those are 14 and above youngest is 5.

There are many ways to be abusive: verbal aggression, emotional distance, lack of support are all abusive behaviours. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting anything positive from this relationship, and he appears not to have responded to your request for change, so of course you’re not being unreasonable to leave. His feelings are not more important than yours.
And it seems unlikely that you’re modelling positive, functional relationships for your children.

It’s a difficult decision to make, but you can do it. Good luck.

No you're nor unreasonable. Ending a relationship that makes you unhappy is absolutely valid. With a 5 year old you'd have many years of misery if you stayed for the children.

He would be devastated to separate and its killing me knowing how hurt he would be

Why do you think this? He behaves as if he doesn’t like you.

But no, it’s not unreasonable to want a nicer life without a selfish person being verbally abusive, even if only sometimes. It should be never!

Him being "hurt" and "devastated" is on him, not you.

You've told him you're not happy, but he doesn't care enough about your happiness to be bothered. You say yourself he is selfish.

You shouldn't accept being a man's maid and comfort animal for any length of time if the cost is your own happiness and quality of life.

Typo edit

You've spoken to him about the verbal abuse. Nothing has changed.

Why does he think he's so awesome that you should accept a lifetime of verbal abuse?

Thank you. I am beginning to realise I need to put my own feelings before his. He doesnt have a very good relationship with the older children and I think they'd be happier

I agree. Its the fear of what is to come that is holding me back

And I would be telling others the same. He is awful at times. He hates having to do things for the older children and makes it known. They say he is so miserable. I know i would be much happier. I am just scared

Thank you I agree. He doesnt listen and refuses to leave. I refuse to leave my home for his behaviour

Because he is comfortable and thinks i wont ever end it

Do you need help planning how to leave? Permission? How can we support you?

Verbal abuse is still abuse!

If he’d be hurt and devastated that’s entirely a consequence of his own actions. You’ve told him how you feel, given him the chance to change, but he doesn’t. Do you really want to spend the next 20 or 30 years growing old with this man? Sounds like he won’t ever change, so unless you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life, act now.

No I really dont. I dont want to get old with regrets. I've told him this too