I think I've made my kids to independent/ ambivalent about me?

[thisismeithinkorisit]

for context, kids are 6 - 7.
eldest, 10 has spent 8 episodes over the last 2 years in and out of hospital. sometomes just 2 nights, occasionally longer (longest was about 9 nights) and most recently 5. I stay with eldest in hospital, DH manages younger kids. it's usually term time so this way DH drops kids to friends to do school run and continues to work, collects from family after school. I don't work so stay in hospital. no judgement on being a SAHM pls.
this time younger kids visited twice, so saw them Wed then Saturday. they came in and said hello, very chill generally, we spent some time together and they left happily. saw them again Monday, similar. they happily went off with DH and DS whilst I got some food and other than a jokey "I'm letting go of you!" left with DH without drama.

which is great, right? or is it? I feel like there's a massive BUT. But why don't they care that I'm not there? why are they so content without me? is it just habit? I have a few weekends away a year with other commitments so they've always been used to it, bland they were just 4 / 5 when this latest round of hospital stuff stated so it's part of their life every few months or so.

but I can't get over the thought that it's a sign of a poor bond? that I've made myself so unimportant to them that they don't get what they need from our connection and will grow up lacking something?

and yes I meant "too" but I can't edit the title and I'm not bothering the moderators with it.

They have secure attachments to both you and your DH, and know that you're there, so feel confident to leave your side. It's the opposite of what you're thinking. Shows you're raising secure and well rounded kids!

I think you probably don't mean ambivalent. Ambivalent means holding two contradictory or contrasting feelings e.g. they both love and hate you at the same time.

I assume you mean they seem slightly detached? I think they are actually showing great adaptability to a situation. Their bond with you is obviously secure as they trust that though you're needed elsewhere temporarily, you will be back and they have perfectly lovely care from their other parent meanwhile.

@thisismeithinkorisit
this sounds like a really hard situation and you feel like you’re doing your best for them all. I don’t think your choice of being a SAHM has any bearing on this as you’d have this situation regardless and you would also work so they’d potentially have to be in wraparound and holiday clubs.

If it was me I would ask your husband to do the next hospital stay and take carers leave and mix this up a bit or take the younger 2 out a bit and leave the oldest with your husband perhaps - try to get some quality time with them. This will also be the case for the 10’year old and their Dad so works both ways.

i think they must have built up a mechanism to cope with this which is great as imagine how awful it would be if they were constantly crying 😢

Speak to your husband and see what he says.

You're doing great in what sounds like a hard situation with your eldest's health. The kids love you but they can cope with you being away. They are secure that you will return. It's a good thing :)

DH used to take the DC to his home country for 4 weeks during the summer sometimes longer and I would join them for a week. This happened from toddler to teenage.

Both my DC are young adults now and our bond has never been affected by these absences. The fact that they don’t seem bothered is a sign that they trust you will be back and that everything will be ok.

well as in they love me when I'm there but they don't really need me or are bothered if I'm around

In my experience little kids with good attachment are great like this. Happy and secure that you'll be home again. But as they get older it gets trickier, they get jealous of the attention, even though they know they really don't want to be the ill DC and feel quite torn and upset. Hopefully this is passing thing for your DC and family, but if its not I recommend seeking young carers support, serious illness impacts everyone in the family.

I'm hoping we're done with hospital but eldest was in holiday club before hospital (part time and something he's passionate about) so me and the younger ones got that time together and actually do every holiday as DS enjoys doing days at holiday club and younger ones don't qualify for them so they have a precedent of getting time just with me, and now I'm home once we've spent some time together as a family, ds will likely go back to holiday club next week leaving me and smalls to spend time together

It sounds like you’re overthinking all this.
Itll all be fine x

They are happy and secure and independent. Much better than needy and clingy and dependent.

I think it could be that either the kids are very secure in their relationship with you, or that they miss you so much that they're coping by shutting down their feelings for you completely.

Hopefully this difficult time with you eldest is coming to an end and you can spend lots of 1:1 quality time with all of them. In the meantime, can you and your husband swap duties for a few days?

I don't think you'll have done any lasting damage!

I agree that it makes sense to split the hospital time with your husband as much as you can. The kids seem ok though.

thanks, and thank you to all the other messages toom. I suppose it's the latter that worries me.

I'm home now, they wanted to go to Nanny's so he's taken them and we've had chance to come home and settle back in to the house but from tonight we'll all be together this week, rhen with me rest of hols whilst he works

the problem is I worry the lack of consistency will let something slip through the gap. DH is great but what if there's something I've forgot to tell him but which is in my head when it's needed? I'll admit that when you've been the primary hospital parent for a decade, it's hard to let go of control and I know I'll sleep awfully with him being away.