AIBU to contact another mum about my 12 year old’s friendship?

[INeverReallyLovedYouAnyway]

To be brief, my daughter (age 12) was really good friends with a girl in her class (S). They didn’t hang out in school all that much (run in different friendship groups) but they saw a lot of each other out of school.

To cut a very long story short, S and my daughter’s best friend from school (L) do not get on at all. This left my daughter in an increasingly awkward position, stuck between the pair of them. It came to a head and S was being pretty awful about L to my daughter. My daughter basically told her to stop saying such horrible things and they haven’t spoken since. This was maybe 3-4 months ago.

My daughter says she doesn’t care but I know she does. She gets upset when we speak about S. She really liked S but she is disappointed that she could be so mean about L and says she doesn’t want to be her friend. However, I think S is a hurt little girl who felt her friend chose someone else over her (although clearly shouldn’t have been saying mean things behind L’s back). I feel like my daughter is being very ‘black and white’ about this, and I suspect the real reason for her cutting off S is because she can no longer deal with the awkwardness between her and L, and this is easier for her.

I suggested to my daughter before this came to a head to have a chat with S about this issue (along the lines of “I want to be friends with you both”) but she just wasn’t confident enough. I don’t really know why.

I know S’s mum pretty well. She’s a reasonable sort. I’ve been wondering about messaging her to see if there is anything we could do to repair the rift, I suppose.

Is this a good idea? Or at 12, should I just back off and leave them alone?

I would back off. I would also assume your dd isn't necessarily an innocent stuck in the middle. 12 years olds are often horrible shits, including your own dc.

No no I do agree, I’m quite sure S has her own side of this story. I do however know that the “stuck in the middle” thing caused a great deal of genuine anxiety for my daughter.

I wouldn't.

Threes are often very difficult. Your daughter thinks she's got it worst because she is stuck in the middle but I would lay money that at least one of the others, likely both, feels like they are the third wheel and are even less happy. I think you should let it shake out naturally. It's very upsetting for them to go through but it is pretty normal, and hopefully they will all be happier once things have moved on even if that means one of these friendships not lasting.

Definitely back off. I think once they get to
secondary school you have to leave things to the kids to sort out. Anything can make the situation a whole lot worse. You only have your daughters word for what happened with her spin on things.

No just leave it. Kids that age make their own way with friendships, they are learning more about each other and finding other people more interesting and some not so. their personalities are developing.

I wouldn't get involved.

Friendships come and go and although it is hard for parents to see their children's 'old' friiends replaced by new friends, this is a common occurrence when they move to secondary school.

At some point you have to stop intervening in your kid's friendships and let things pan out naturally. And I strongly doubt that 'S' was the only girl saying mean and hurtful things and also assume she could have been replying in kind........... If bullying is taking place, then of course step in.

What is it that you think would be helpful to say to the mom?

Leave it, she's not a baby and won't thank you for it. Secondary school friendships change quite often in my experience and settle down in around year 9. She will prob change friends a few more times yet and have fallout ect. Normal for the age. Good for her to not let her other friend bully the other that shoes integrity.

Leave it. It’s the natural order, they’ll sort it out or they won’t. Two is company, three is a crowd, especially with best friends who don’t get on.
Your DD sided with her school friend. S feelings could have been valid. Your daughter choose her school friend to defend against her at home friend, this is the result.
The school friend could be alienating home friend in school. The midd friend often holds the reins and has to make difficult choices,’

Stay out of it. They are in secondary school now so need to learn to manage their own friendships and conflicts.

What is this other mum supposed to do anyway? Instruct her dd to be friends with someone?! They will think you are weird.

You’ve lost all your power now. Short of serious bullying requiring school
intervention kids have to manage their own friendships.

Just leave it alone. Your daughter has dealt with the situation as she sees best so why would you undermine that? She may well end up being friends with S again but that is for her to decide. At this age, parents shouldn't be intervening in friendship squabbling unless it tips over into bullying. Trust your daughter to be able to manage her friendships for herself.

Back off. My DD had similar issues at that age, and through secondary, with a friend she’d had from the age of four. Since graduation they’ve lived close to each other in London, they’ve matured, re-established a solid friendship and DD is making her friend’s wedding cake next year. In the meantime, I’ve maintained a friendship with the mum.

When you were 12, how would you have felt if your mother interfered with your private life? Keep out of it. Your daughter will cope.
The other thing to bear in mind is that S's mother might have been told a totally different story by her daughter and might well not be as in favour of the friendship as you are. Your reception might not be great.

Learning to navigate friendship is a natural part of growing up. You can't (and absolutely shouldn't try to) do it for her.

You can’t make someone like your daughter.

I know it’s not nice (i also have a 12 year old who’s had a hard time with girls at school last year), but you can’t step in for everything.

You have to let her know that it’s okay to be sad, but not everyone in life she likes will like her back and that’s okay.

S sounds a nasty little bitch and your DD is well rid of her. Yes, I know she's a child, and she'll probably grow up to be a nasty big bitch.

This made me laugh. I know I people get on thier high horses when you say a child is horrible, but some really are and continue to be as adults.

My eldest is 24 and still in touch with some that he went to primary and secondary with. You could tell from when they were little which ones were going to grow up to be twats and they have.