AIBU to ask if you had an abortion after having children, for your experience and if looking back you’d of made a different decision?

[crossroadsr]

DH and I are mid 30s.
2 healthy children born 2022 and 2025 after 11 years of unexplained recurrent miscarriage/infertility.
We own a business and our home just about fits us all in.
We are okay financially as in we can afford bills, food, a trip or 2 to the zoo or Legoland etc a year and a yearly holiday.

I am 5.5 weeks pregnant roughly, contraception failed and DH had a vasectomy the week before I found out I was pregnant.

I have a long history of mental health battles, depression and anxiety, OCD and I have a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD. I suffered post partum depression which is sadly still ongoing (but getting better) after the birth of our last child.

We were over the moon with 1 healthy child, felt very very blessed to have a second healthy child and we were content, finished on our journey of creating a family and looking forward to the years to come (PND has been very hard but I am heading out the other side now).

Now we get a surprise, unplanned pregnancy. I had a scan today, 5.5 weeks, small sac, yolk sac and I am to be rescanned in 10 days.

DH does not want another DC but has said that ultimately it is my body, my choice and he will support either way and if the pregnancy goes ahead, he will of course love them like he does our DC already here.

I just feel heartbroken, I don’t want another, I don’t know how I’d cope with another but I also don’t want to make the decision to abort, I am pro choice 100% and I am driving myself mad going back and forth on the deciding.

The only pro’s are that it’s another child to cherish and love and a sibling for our 2 DC.

The list of negatives are off the chart:
• home wouldn’t fit another one, we’d have to move
• we’d need a bigger car
• we are already exhausted running business and having 2
• what if I get PPD again? I am high risk for this to happen
• money would be tighter and wouldn’t be able to give our children as many experiences and so on…

We have just got to the point where both kids are sleeping through and we are starting to have what feels like a marriage again not a quick peck and see you later in between chaos and exhaustion.

I cannot imagine going through newborn life again. DC1, I found a doddle, slept through the night from 4 weeks old, very content, I was able to fully embrace motherhood and felt my very best. DC2 hit me like a ton of bricks, but normal newborn behaviour (2-3 hourly feeds, reflux etc).

The thing is, I genuinely don’t think I can abort our baby. The thought of swallowing some pills then waiting for the inevitable to happen fills me with anxiety and sadness. I feel like every time I looked at our 2 DC’s, I’d be wondering if they would have been like either of them, would they have been content or more of a normal newborn? Would they have blonde hair like our first or dark like our second? I’d think about it every due date, every time I saw a family of 5 or 3 siblings. I think the guilt would eat me alive.

I also genuinely don’t think I could mentally handle another child. The thought of starting again also fills me with anxiety and negative feelings.

So what do I do here? I know that none of you can tell me what I should do but I welcome any opinions, stories or just support on this. I really am falling apart, I am booked for another scan in 10 days to see if a baby has developed and for the first time in my life, I’m hoping the decision is taken out of my hands and it’s not viable and I feel like a despicable person and a coward for that.

I just need a handhold right now, I feel incredibly frail mentally and like I can’t choose right from wrong here in this situation.

I went through similar when I had DS and DD.

I couldn’t decide what on earth to do. One minute I was convinced we’d be fine and should go for it, the next was filled with dread.

We decided to terminate the pregnancy and while I was sad at the time, I don’t regret that decision. Our children are enough, more than enough in fact, and I think we’d have all suffered if we’d kept it. I occasionally wonder what number three would have been like - but it was at 6 weeks and in my opinion, very very early to get too attached to anyway.

It’s not an easy thing to go through though even once decision made - it was pretty sad and unpleasant and I had numerous wobbles even at the clinic, but the staff were very supportive.

Sorry to hear it sounds like you're in an impossible situation.
Hopefully others will be along with more specific advice/experiences.
It sounds like in your heart you don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy overall

I had two terminations in my 30s (had my DC in my 20s). It was absolutely the right thing to do. Not easy at the time but I am so, so glad I only have 2 DC. It would have been wrong for me and for my existing children if I’d had more.

I have had abortions but all of them were wanted pregnancies that I had to have removed due to medical/chromosome issues. Luckily amongst the losses I did manage to have two healthy children that are now teens.

What I can tell you is even though I wanted a third and was devastated when my last pregnancy had to end in termination, I have absolutely no regrets ten years on that I only have two children. I am completely exhausted and everything is incredibly expensive. My kids have all the extra curriculars I wanted for them and we should be able to help them financially in the future. They are great mates and I have zero regrets or yearnings.

I thought I was in this situation the other week, thankfully pregnancy test turned out negative but I had similar feelings to you.
Looking at my kids thinking how could I terminate their sibling, but then sick to the stomach at the thought of being mentally unwell again (had serious PND both times, narrowly avoided a mother and baby unit).

I would have to put my existing children first and they need a mother who is feeling mentally stable.
I miscarried at 6 weeks and don't think of that as being a baby or them having a lost sibling so it's just your own guilt.
Honestly I'd engage in some cognitive dissonance, tell myself the pregnancy was never viable and or there was something wrong with the embryo and just swallow the meds.

If it's any help or makes any sense - it sounds like one of the worst things would be unanswered questions about how it would've turned out.

Completely different situation but I had a major traumatic bereavement in my 20s when my boyfriend died and I had lots of unanswerable questions about the details of his death and eventually I realised I could just choose answers. They might not have been factually accurate but there was no consequence of me choosing a wrong answer and making that lore, but there were consequences for endless searching.
Similarly I had 2 very early miscarriages before my oldest and I just decided they were actually my oldest knocking on the door a bit early. Not scientifically possible but it just makes sense to me.

So maybe if you're thinking "would they have been a good sleeper" or what hair colour etc you can just choose the answer that works for you.

I’m so sorry. That sounds very tough. You have a responsibility to your own wellbeing and your children. Yes, you’re pregnant but the foetus is just a ball of cells currently, with the potential to be a baby, but not one yet. I’d terminate and be secure in the knowledge that I had done what’s best for my family. My best wishes to you while you make your decision. Xx

You have some good advice here and I think I would terminate in your situation. It's a very difficult decision to make though.

I was in this position and decided to terminate. Absolutely no regrets. Easier for some than others I know but you just detach the emotion in your mind and let the logic override everything- compartmentalise, if that’s what you choose to do. You can even frame it a different way of prioritising you, your husband and your living, existing children’s wellbeing. I’m the middle child of 3 and have always thought 3 is too many though (super wealthy aside), which did make me resolute from finding out. After the 1 (admittedly unpleasant) day of the termination at home, I chose not to think about it again, and I didn’t.
Good luck whatever you decide x

Aww OP.
Of course you are heartbroken. It’s a cruel position to be in .
How you are feeling is completely reasonable.
I can’t share any experience re ending a pregnancy.
I can relate thought and share my experience. sorry it’s so long
We experienced infertility too, I always wanted to be a mum more than anything else- so found that period particularly difficult. My 1st was very very difficult birth and I ended up with trauma and physical complications
First few years I was not in good place, couldn’t look at pregnant person without crying- but after EMDR - I came round to idea of another child

When I got pregnant again I was terrified of giving birth and honestly hoping for worse case scenario. You are not the first person to feel that way. I was very torn - as I did want a baby ( just not birth)
We did lose that pregnancy - I was heartbroken and as painful as it was - it prob was for the best.
We went on to have another child.
As much as I would like a big family- my innate instinct is that it would ‘push my luck’ to have more.
My husband is very definite he does not want more and is old - and is genuinely scared we would get accidentally pregnant ( which feels silly given infertility) - but he knows I would like you struggle to contemplate ending a pregnancy

Both options are very scary- maybe there is no right or wrong. Rather one is better than other. I would encourage you to try to follow your instinct that’s the most important thing.
But first try to give yourself some time and space. Perhaps try and put this decision on shelf - fate might make it for you. When you go into your next scan- your 1st reaction to the result will tell you your gut

I was in exactly the same position as you about 14 years ago and chose to terminate. I was distraught and opted for a surgical rather than medical route. I have never since regretted it. I had to grieve at the time but honestly feel in hindsight it was 100% the right thing for me to have done. And as my kids have grown to late teens our finances and ability to support them emotipnally feels much greater than it would have been. I actually worry s out what would have happened to my health if I hadn't. I wish you all the best making the really rough decision.

I really wanted three, and didn’t and this made me think about all the what ifs endlessly. However years on I don’t regret just having two at all. I would just try to focus on what is right for you and your existing children right now.

I was in the same position and carried on with the pregnancy. We'd discussed 3 and decided against it but once I was pregnant that was it. It is hard and it is more expensive than I expected. It also brings a lot of joy. I won't pretend I've not had moments wondering whether 2 would have been easier (or preferably 1) but overall I made the right choice for my family and found it only really set a lot of my goals back by the couple of years between them and the additional costs.

@crossroadsr
id contact your GP and go and speak to them about your worries and concerns and ask for a referral to counselling
ultimately the decision is yours but in this case, all things considered I think I’d abort.

Such a tough dilemma. I’ve not had it but held a close friend’s hand while she went through it two years ago. For her, it boiled down to regretting the child she didn’t have versus regretting the child she did have. She decided she couldn’t bear the guilt of looking at a child and wishing they’d never been born (her first child has considerable extra needs and she already feels she sometimes doesn’t have enough time for the second) - not fair to the child. She’d rather have her own guilt of terminating, at least she wouldn’t be inflicting that on anyone else.

I know, because she tells me, that she notes the due date and birth date each year. She wonders if it would have been a girl after two boys. She wonders what her youngest would have been like as a big brother etc. But she has no doubt it was the right decision. She’s okay living with the choice.

I'm in the same situation as you at the moment, bit older 42, my youngest is only 13 months and I'm still breastfeeding. We terminated. Dh and I were 49/51 in terms of percentage/decisions but the 49 was all heart. Like you, we would have needed a new house/car. DH is already part time but he probably would just have to stay at home with 2 under 2, and ultimately we decided that the quality of life for our current 2 would not benefit. Tough tough choice but the right one for us. Ultimately I think it has got to come down to the impact on your current children and hoping everything will be ok because we love them isn't always enough

Your list of negatives are all valid reasons and you shouldn’t discount them just because you know you’d love the new baby.

I terminated an unplanned pregnancy in my early 40s after 2 healthy children. I knew it would put a strain on my marriage, finances and body (I was very ill with second pregnancy). It was not a pleasant experience and I didn’t take it lightly but I have no regrets.

I wasn’t in turmoil over the decision though. I knew almost straight away it was the right thing to do. If you are not sure, give yourself some more time to think. I imagine you’ll start to feel a strong inclination one way or the other. Dont have a baby because you’d feel guilty terminating though, have it because you (preferably both of you) really want it.

It is your body, your choice but I if I kept it I would want husband entirely on board because if you suffer PND again, he is going to be picking up a lot of the slack and keeping the household going.

I had an abortion after my 2nd child and another after my 3rd child and I know I did the correct thing for me and my family. I went on to have a 4 th kiddo 4 years later and I have zero regrets. I seemed to get pregnant so easily and despite doubling up with contraception I also had several miscarriages. It’s a theme in my family . I got pregnant on the implant. So did my sister, in fact I have two sisters who conceived on the coil and my DN was born with it wrapped around her toe.