Really struggling and desperately asking for advice

[Soososad]

Single parent to 4 year old ds. Ex sees him but it’s not consistent and he can go two weeks without seeing him. Never had him overnight and doesn’t intend to. I’ve tried so much over the years to increase his involvement and he does take ds for long weekends now and then but basically DS’s daily life is all down to me.

I don’t even know where to begin with this but some basic facts which I don’t know are relevant are I’m late 30s. I have a good job (clinging on to it at the moment), have good friends and have had a bad relationship history.

I always wanted marriage and more children but after a series of shit relationships culminating in ex walking out on us when I was pregnant and facing the sexism and misogyny at work after Mat leave, I’m not the same person and if I am honest I largely hate men and whilst I know it’s irrational it’s truly how I feel. I have a low opinion of them and I am
wildly independent now so can’t imagine I will ever meet anyone or let them into my life.

At the weekend I met a good friend and she was telling me about the house she’s buying with her fiance. They have two young girls and want a third. I am genuinely so happy for her and I really enjoyed looking at all the floor plans and talking about what they might do with knocking walls through and decorating. I felt fine at the lunch but on the way home I had to call the hospital to change an appointment time for a small gynaecology procedure for a biopsy, as I was struggling to sort childcare for the day it had been scheduled. I called the number they gave me on the letter but they were sharp and unpleasant on the phone, wouldn’t tell me when they could change it to as they said they’d have to write to me with another appointment as she couldn’t say it over the phone. I called back a few minutes later as I forgot to give my new number and the next woman I spoke to was perfectly nice and volunteered telling me the revised date without me even asking. Anyway this whole thing, stupidly, just made me feel so alone. I don’t know if I can explain it to someone who isn’t a single parent but the whole feeling of not being able to even go to a hospital appointment because nobody is in your life who gives a fuck about you living or dying, is so horrible. Nobody cares if I can’t get to an appointment which I’ve been told is urgent.

I then felt this entire black feeling envelop me… I know it sounds dramatic but I just pulled over on the way to collecting my son and cried and cried in the car. I don’t have anyone who loves me in a partner. I know that’s not the be all and end all in life but sometimes I just feel so deeply alone. I just have to carry on no matter what and I’d do anything to be buying a home with someone and thinking about what wallpaper we might get and planning for another child. Then I started crying about that.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I’m usually
the most robust person when it comes to all this sort of thing. I have a thick skin and I just carry on. I’ve been in loads of situations where I’ve felt shit as I’ve been alone, but today feels different. It’s as if the floodgates have opened and I just can’t hold in the loneliness and sadness.

When I got back today I had a note through the door saying the water meter needs replacing and it sounds so pathetic and silly, but I work full time for a huge accountancy practice full of men and trying to fit this in will be another thing I have to single handedly sort out logistically. Everything is on me.

I feel like the world is such a hostile place a lot of the time but it’s so much easier to weather when you come home to a support network. I adore ds but I am the support network. Nobody is there for me. I am usually strong and never show any remote feeling of self pity but I just am flooded with sadness today.

Not only will I miss out on shared holidays and a shared home and someone who loves me but I can see a future of being alone with awful appointments like the one I have coming up, being subjected to treatment of staff in all sorts of contexts like I was when I gave birth alone, with nobody to advocate for me. I am so sad. I don’t want to be strong anymore and I just don’t know how to get my positive attitude back.

Hopeful bump

I have absolutely no experience of your situation, but your feelings are not wrong. You are being bombarded in all sides by disappointment, and sometimes a little thing like a brusque voice on the phone or YET ANOTHER admin task can push you over the edge.

Your child will soon be school age and that will change things for you somewhat. You will meet a new load of people and hopefully you will feel less isolated. I wish I had more concrete advice to give you, but maybe someone with more experience will be along to give you more helpful advice.

Everything that you are feeling is relevant but it doesn’t need to be something that you feel forever. You are going through a bad patch and you need to acknowledge that. I split up with my son’s father when my ds was 5, he’s 27 now. I have been single ever since (I’m not saying you will be single for that amount of time, it was a decision that I made.)
It is really hard bringing a child up on your own. Do you have any family around that can help out? My family were in Wales, I am in Essex so while they were on the end of a phone, they weren’t there physically.
I remember that I often used to walk around somewhere like Tesco, or see couples on days out and would be so miserable because I didn’t have what they had but, what you have to think about is that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Other people may be presenting this great life but are deeply unhappy. You say that you had shit relationships, be glad that you are not in that place any more.
The person at the hospital was horrible and, if you feel strongly enough about it, complain about them. They shouldn’t be speaking to patients in that way but, I get that it was one more thing on your list that currently feels never ending. At the moment, your cup is full and you can’t take much more, let that feeling sit for a couple of days but, if it continues, make an appointment with your GP, you may need some help to start feeling better. You WILL feel better eventually.

Aw OP, sounds like you've been bottling all this up for a while and the rude NHS person just caught you in a low moment.

Do you have any friends who are also single parents who could be there in an emergency and do swaps?

If not, could you make some.

I'm not a single parent but I've recently been on a family activity week with an organisation that specialises in single parent families - that would be a good way to meet others (High Adventure).

I hope your procedure goes well. Gynae appointments are the worst!

You poor thing .

Nothing helpful to add, just best wishes.

You need some loyal single mum friends! Well at least one anyway. Is there anyone you connect with at all when you do activities with your child?

The juggle with work and childcare is a logistical pain as a single parent but it gets easier when they go to school. Can you treat yourself to something small tonight?

Do you not have anyone else in life? Parents, siblings, friends? Surely someone would be willing to help for a single appointment?

I totally get where you're coming from, i at least had the support of my retired dad when i was a single mum, and i still felt horribly alone and like every little appointment was a logistical nightmare.

I think that your job, or at least your employer, is one of the biggest issues here. Firms of accountants are notoriously BAD employers (i also have personal experience of this). What is your role in the firm? Is it something you can do from home?

No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed and weepy, you've got a lot on your plate.

Any chance of changing your job to one that has a less toxic atmosphere?

Actively seek to make friends with other single mums, and try not to be jealous of people who seem to have perfect lives - sometimes they do, sometimes it's just smoke and mirrors.

You may well meet another partner, one who will cherish you and respect you, and you may have another child in time. Don't give up, this will pass.

Thank you so so so much for the lovely posts. @Lexy2345 i feel like I would never meet anyone in time for another now.

I really don’t know what has got into me. I feel so incredibly low.

Sending hugs. I feel your pain op. I've been a single parent for over 20 years. Mine are almost grown now but it was tough.
I doubt I will ever meet anyone else now,so when the youngest leaves,it will be just me 😔

I could have written your post myself. My relationship ended last year, it was bad so im glad its over and I also truly dislike men. I am single parent to a 17 and 14 year old boys. My 14 year old is autistic, OCD, panic disorder, agoraphobia, not left house in 2 years. Their dad sees them once per year, twice at a push, last had them overnight in 2023. My mum is in sheltered housing very infirm with beginning of vascular dementia, I have no brothers or sisters and only one best friend who im lucky if I see once a mobth. My son is currently in the middle of an OCD crisis and I havent spent any time with another adult for almost 2 mobths, ive been off worj sick. I feel the same in that if I was diagnosed with a serious issues or the big C, I would have absolutely nobody to look after me. I am very very alone in this life. If you ever want to chat PM me.

Be kind to yourself. As your son gets older, it will get easier. If you can afford it, treat yourself to something nice, even if it’s just your favourite bar of chocolate. Sending hugs xxx

OP I empathise hugely. I've been a single mum for 18 years. It's hard, lonely and exhausting.

You don't mention your own parents or siblings... are they dead or far away?

You need a village... there are ways of creating one. But first, replenish your energy and vitality any way you can. Baths, yoga, massage. Does your little one start reception in September? Book the week off work and use school time as your time to fit your own oxygen mask.

Sending lots of love. People do care.

Maybe all of your resources have been spent holding everything together for so long, and the impact is hitting now?

I’m so sorry you feel alone and are without the support you deserve. Just for now, please give yourself space to feel your feelings. You carry all of your life’s responsibilities and it’s ok to be overwhelmed/worn out/saddened by this. I think whenever our own health becomes a focus we feel more vulnerable anyway, so timing here is likely making things worse all at once.

You do deserve to have supportive people in your life and you will need resources to help build and maintain these relationships. Perhaps there’s an organisation for single parents in your area that you could connect with, or a hobby or activity for you/your child that could be used to start to develop friendships that might deepen. It is hard to make friends and grow a support network as an adult, but it’s not impossible so please don’t give up hope of better times to come. You are doing incredible things everyday; go easy on yourself and when you’re ready see what might be out there to help you. Take the best of care. 💐

Oh OP, I really feel for you.
It may not seem like it now, but life will change as your child grows and their needs change.
Nothing in your life is certain, and you never know who you may meet.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job

Sending a hug, as someone who is also deeply alone in life and who has to manage it all by myself. Sometimes the exhaustion overtakes me and the ache comes out then, it’s easy to get sucked into feeling so low about it. It’s really hard.