To be very concerned over stepson acting much older than he is due to unrestricted internet use?

[Emmaex]

Im a little concerned if im honest

SS is 10 and turns 11 literally a few days before he goes into year 7, DP has half the time but are less stricter with it during the holidays. We had him for the first week, his mum has had him for the last 2 weeks and we will have him for the next 3 inc his birthday and start of year 7.

Hes had a phone at his mums since 2023 since he was 7 and it has no restrictions on it but his mum has said it’s her house her rules. He has tiktok and I think tiktok and general unsupervised internet use is a very very big factor in his personality, he told us (and his mum & his whole class) he was gay last year when he was still 9, his mannerisms aren’t what you would expect from a 10yo though, he constantly says things like “slay” calls people “queen” and “babes” as in “calm down babes” (one example) and talks in a very dramatic manner as if he’s performing but it’s how he genuinely talks all of the time, he’s very looks focused aswell he’s always looking in the mirror and asked DP for skincare for his birthday and those spot patch things (he has and never has had any spots bar chickenpox), he insists he WILL be a famous actor, he’s very boy focused and constantly is talking about his future boyfriend and when we remind him he’s still young he doesn’t have to worry about boyfriends right now but it’s currently constant and id find it concerning if a girl was the same about a boy or a boy was about a girl

He has siblings at his mums and he’s left to his own devices a lot (and she booked a holiday for the week he starts secondary for just them) and earlier she didn’t even know where he is when DP picked him up. Luckily SS had his phone (he doesnt usually bring it to ours due to the disagreement over parental control issues, I think his mum must’ve told him to leave it at hers) and DP picked him up but it was after 9pm by the time DP got him in the car and he was quite far away in a park and it had already started getting dark and he’s 10.

DP has got his phone and he’s had a quick look and alot of his for you page on tiktok is drag race and makeup/skincare type things just from a quick scroll. His search history is things like “cute boys” “hot boys” and names of various men actors etc, searches about stranger things and pretty little liars and ive never watched the whole of either but I don’t think either are suitable for a 10yo that was from just a quick look too

DP is also really concerned about bullying at school if he acts this way especially as he’s already the youngest he’s worried about the dangers of the phone use and how he’s already acting at 10 - he doesn’t care about if he is gay but he’s acting very old for his age

Would this be grounds for sole custody? Any advice will be appreciated

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I know schools are completely overwhelmed with issues caused by shite parents but his new school may be able to advise.

Sole custody seems a huge jump- not knowing where he was is awful but there’s a chance that was a once off/ bad timing or something? tbh we had the girls from my son’s class over and they were all talking about the same stuff. I didn’t love it for their age but you have to think there is a chance he might be gay and that’s what he’s into (but yes agreed there’s going to have to be talks over screens with his mum).

My granddaughter went through a skin care obsessive stage, around 9, it's completely disappeared now she's 11.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx212x41evwo
If you think you could get sole residency because he is acting camp, then no you couldn't.

Hate to break it to you but he might actually be very popular at school. Especially amongst the girls. Since he's already identified as queer, he probably won't care about impressing the boys or any snide remarks coming from then. Gen Alpha is a lot more tolerant of gender diversity than any other generation and the "femboy" persona is extremely trendy at the moment. It's either a very feminine presenting straight boy who may also use makeup and dress in female clothing, or the more typical queer "gay best friend" type.

Same for acting older than his age. Children always flock to those who appear more mature. The most popular girls are always those who hit puberty first, use makeup first or generally look and behave older than their age. He seems to have adopted the same way of speaking as many social media influencers which isn't illegal in any way. There's no rule anywhere saying a 10 year old can't use the same (non offensive) slang words as 13 or 17 year olds. He honestly sounds like quite a fun person and I think you're creating a lot of imaginary problems that are simply rooted in disapproval of your DH's ex wife.

She lets him have unlimited internet access which of course isn't ideal. But he doesn't seem to be behaving in any way which makes him appear like a threat to others. He's not self harming or engaging in behaviour that would be considered risky. He seems like a boy who is quite confident in his own skin, able to attend school full time and isn't a bully to others.

He’s trying to find his identity, which is wonderful and should be encouraged. But at the same time he is looking for this on social media which is an unhealthy at times perception of reality. Listen and encourage, maybe help him discover a skin care regime that is age appropriate, give him safe alternative ways in which he can discover his identity (book series heart stopper maybe? Check if it’s age appropriate) ask him about role models direct him to good role models. But giving him free unfettered access to social media is why the social media ban for under 16s is necessary. Without going into detail two family members both boys had different terrible situations happen to them because they had access to the internet without controls. It has shaped their young lives forever. Don’t let him become a victim.

Skin care is ridiculously popular amongst pre teens.

mum not knowing where he was isn’t great but the rest of it just sounds like you don’t like the way he talks.

I think @lovemetomybones has excellent advice. His behaviour isn’t too out there…all the preteens are “slay” and into skincare. Stranger things is very popular. But it’s seems like he is trying to find his identity and it’s really worrying that the internet is the only place he is looking for it.

Definitely don’t diss any of his interests but he needs more real life guidance. Particularly as he could see porn with his search terms!

Don’t worry about bullying. It’s just a very different environment now for non conforming kids. Does he have friends?

There’s nothing particularly odd here OP. Loads of children talk like this - almost everyone in my child’s class says stuff like that and she’s 10. She’s been saying “slay” since she was 7 😂

And also had the skincare obsession at about 8. Same as all her friends. This has since disappeared. It’s just a phase and stop being so dramatic. Things could be a lot worse!

Skin care, this type of language and behaviour and these topics are some of the things kids are into right now and he really doesn't sound off the rails or anything. Granted he's probably a bit young for tiktok and he shouldn't be free roaming at night for safety but he actually sounds like a real character and a lot of fun! I would say that there are parts of Stranger Things that aren't suitable for children but it is extremely good, has a lot of positive themes and messages and it might be that he identifies with Will (one of the main characters and has become sort of an icon) who is a pre teen/teen coming to terms with his sexuality. I've never seen the other show so I don't know. Maybe you both and his Mom all talk together about how to move forward but solely custody seems an unnecessary conflict without trying communication and compromise first.

Don’t be so ridiculous…can I have sole custody because the phone made my DSS gay???

If a girl that age looked at cute boys would you think it was weird…obviously not. He may be gay, or bi, or even straight eventually when he works out who he is after puberty, but let’s be real TikTok did not make him gay, neither did his mum.

If you play this game wrong you could end up finding he wants nothing to do with you and his dad in the next few years. Also, at his age the courts will listen to him on where he wants to live, and would never give sole custody of someone who wasn’t being abused.

RIDICULOUS

My son has no access to phones or social media. He is 7 an constantly saying "bruh", "yeah boi", "sick", "that's peng" (didn't know the last one had reemerged!). He was sucking in his cheek bones the other day because one of his friends said a youtuber mentioned it gave him "aura". We had words, but they all go througj phases of experimenting with language. The Internet is messed up though and I would be hugely worried about a 10yo having TikTok. Thankfully it will be banned soon! The acting camp I wouldn't be worried about though. It's the Andrew Tate esque shit that I worry about with young lads.

I probably worded it wrong by sole custody I meant him living here most of the time and more than he does now. His mum lets him do whatever he wants and her not knowing his whereabouts wasn't a one off she didn’t seem in any way concerned. She said “maybe he doesn’t want to see you” to DP and was 40 minutes from his mums and it was closer to 9:30 and getting dark. When DP spoke to him he said he thought that he was coming here tomorrow not today (so his mum hadn't told him) and he said he was doing “nothing” when asked and said that his friends had gone home which I find concerning as they are much closer to 12 but went home earlier than he did he's not even 11 yet but he would've stayed out longer if he was at his mums.

His screen time is very high it says the daily average is 11h 2m and it's down 12% from last week and it's an iPhone and in a recent update you need to verify your ID otherwise your phone is in sort of in child mode (can't download age rated apps etc) but his mum verified it so he can go on anything he likes and download any app, his tiktok thinks he's an adult so it doesn't give him to curfew things an under 16 has but I never said tiktok made him gay... or that him searching cute boys is weird

I (and so is DP) am worried about bullying as he was bullied at primary school and none of his friends are going to be at the same school

11 hours? Bloody hell. Is that normal does anyone know? That's almost half the day. I would be seriously worried about that.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from OP. The son of a friend is like this but at a younger age and there is something very disconcerting about a child emulating quite sexually suggestive language and mannerisms. I too would want to revisit the current child arrangement order as apart from unrestricted phone it sounds like his mother isn’t particularly interested in him nor does she prioritise his safety or wellbeing.

It’s the searching for ‘hot bots’ at the age of 10 that jumps out at me. He’s ripe for being groomed with unlimited access to a phone.

I mean she sounds absolutely awful with very little interest in him. I wonder would she voluntarily let you have him the majority of the time?

He’s heading into a difficult age now where he’s going to need boundaries and care to come out the other end. And it doesn’t sound like his mother will be up for the job.

I’m shocked at the ‘everything sounds fine here’ comments. I would be very concerned about the risks of grooming to a young gay boy with unlimited internet access. Is anyone checking his messaging and what images/ videos of himself he may be uploading of himself?

I know Esther Ghey is doing work around online dangers for lgbt kids (she mentions the messages Brianna received from older, bearded men in the documentary she did) and there are organisations like smartphone free childhood that will have data you can possibly share and discuss with his dad. Him coming out as gay is significant here, as it puts him in the path of predatory men more in the way a young girl online is.

Aside from external risks, we now know that that much time online is bad for mental health and brain development (attention span, concentration, motivation) so I would also be concerned about how this could affect his education and general enjoyment of life.

DP had a quick look on his phone yesterday and saw what I posted above, he’s going to have a proper look later on and try to add some controls but in a few weeks his mum will probably take them off again but it’s better than nothing. He doesn’t normally bring the phone so it’s the first time anyone has looked at what he’s doing. That will probably change as he will be walking to school on his own so he will likely have a phone on him when he comes here but I think his mum had told him not to bring it previously as i doubt a 7yo wouldve decided not to

The big thing I find concerning is the screen time being 11-12 hours especially as he was out yesterday so he was just on his phone the whole time?