To think I'm having a breakdown (TW pregnancy, sensitive topics)

[Reanne1]

I got pregnant in January. It was a wanted pregnancy, I have a lovely partner and I was so happy. It was my lifelong dream to be a mum.

January through to April I had a horrendous first trimester with morning sickness but was otherwise happy and excited as was my partner.

I remember the exact day the "switch flipped", so to speak. I was relaxing at home and scrolling through the news as I often do. An article came up about quite a well known child abuse/murder case that has been in court this year and I read through it. I've always kept up to date with the news and with high profile cases as many people do these days and I had become relatively desensitized but something about this case got into my head. I presume it's because it relates to a baby and I am pregnant. One particular sentence in the article mentioning what happened to the baby triggered me to have a huge panic attack and I haven't really been the same since. It was literally like a switch flipping. My life has a "Before" (before I saw the article) and an "After".

I was so horrified and upset by what I had read that I sought support online. I found a feminist page on Reddit in which women supported each other about past traumas from men and also discussed news stories about men who have harmed women and children and advocated for better protection for women and children. It was similar to the feminism page on Mumsnet. I'm not sure why I thought engaging in this forum was a good idea given that I was clearly very emotionally vulnerable. Some women on the forum advocated to get certain pornographic websites taken down from the web to protect women and children.

Despite wanting to just forget it all and move on with my life and enjoy pregnancy, my mental health continued to deteriorate. In my mind I would constantly be replaying scenarios in my head about how children can be hurt by men and how awful it is and how I need to help. So I would go back to the forum and read through it. It's like a compulsion which I can't control. I would try to go "cold turkey" and bury it all and stop reading about stuff but then it will randomly all come to the surface again and I will find myself in my room, isolating myself from my partner and having panic attacks and reading the forum and checking news articles. I've been able to mask it relatively well from my partner and family. I am able to act like a normal excited pregnant woman around them but it is becoming exhausting.

Recently I was on the forum and someone said they wanted help in starting a petition to have a pornography site taken down due to content on there. Unfortunately they posted a screenshot which showed that men were sharing inappropriate cartoon images on a different website. She had made the post in good faith - she wanted people to band together to get the website reported to the authorities and get taken down. I made reports to various online authorities. I was horrified and vomited several times. It was cartoons but it has still traumatised me.

This was a couple of weeks ago and now I am in darker mental place than ever. I feel sick 24/7 and I can't get all of the stuff that has built up over the last few months out of my mind. I feel very mentally unwell. I have convinced myself that police will now be coming for me and will knock on my door any second. I am convinced my baby is going to get taken off me and I'm terrified. I keep going to an AI chatbot for reassurance where I ask if whether the police will visit me because of the report I made and the chatbot gives different answers each time, sometimes saying yes, other times saying no. I will spend hours asking the chatbot the same question desperately trying to get it to reassure me but it's no use. When it tells me that I won't be in trouble for reporting something in good faith, I will attempt to "argue" with the AI and accuse it of just telling me what I want to hear. I feel as though I have to be prepared for the "reality" so I will tell the AI to "give me a worst case scenario" which is then does and I'll then have a panic attack.

Even now I still get compulsions to go and read articles in the feminism forum to "prepare" myself for the reality of how fucking awful this planet is

I can't bear any of it anymore. I feel so guilty. All I want is for all of this to be gone from my mind and to enjoy my pregnancy and bond with my baby. I was sat in an antenatal class the other day and zoned out the whole time thinking about all of this. It was the same the other week when I went for a growth scan. I was just thinking about all of this.

I've built up a whole scenario in my head where the police will knock on my door and arrest me and ban me from seeing my baby and my partner will hate me and I'll have to go and live with my parents. I've even started provisionally planning for it all. The other day I nearly booked a taxi to a police station because I wanted to "tell them everything" so that I could take away the uncertainty about them visiting me. What doesn't help me is that a week ago go my brother who has autism and lives with my parents DID get a police visit and they checked his computer because of online activity. It was related some political forum where he'd made comments that had gone too far and police wanted to check the person behind the IP address but they determined that he was vulnerable and didn't realise what he was doing and the case got closed immediately. But I feel as though I have "manifested" the situation by obsessing over the thought of me getting a police visit.

I'm due in 3 weeks and I feel as though I am losing control of my own mind. I so badly want to confide in my partner but due to the subject matters I just don't know how to bring it up. He's so excited to be a dad and have our little family. When he talks about wanting to set up the nursery etc I feel sick.

I did try to say something at one of my midwife appointments but I didn't feel able to go into the full details. I just disclosed feeling "a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen" and she assumed I meant I was worried about pregnancy complications and she assured me that this was common. She referred me to a talking therapy service but when I got the call from the talking therapy people a few weeks later I was having an okay day so I asked to withdraw my referral. At my midwife appointments since I have pretended that everything is fine.

I honestly cannot bear it anymore. I keep wanting to just go to hospital or call 111 but I feel like before I can do that I need to be honest with my partner but I just can't because of the subject matters. I don't know how to bring it all up. I'm due in 3 weeks and I don't know how I'm going to get through the birth and postpartum. I think if I do get help it needs to be from an acute emergency service. Making a referral and then weeks waiting to be contacted isn't going to work as I have "okay days" where I bury it all and try to forget about it and if they contact me on one of those days then I will decline the help.

I love my baby boy so much and I just want to be his mum. I don't know why I have gone down this route, I fucking hate myself. All I ever wanted was to be a mum, this should be the happiest time of my life.

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon but I just wanted to say how brave you are OP to be so frightened and yet speak out and seek help. You should be so proud of yourself

It sounds to me like you have a form of OCD which manifests in intrusive thoughts.i have had this, before during and after pregnancy. Please tell your midwife exactly how you are feeling and what your thoughts are - they will have heard this before and will be able to help you, please don't keep suffering in silence

I'm sorry, I read the entire OP but I'm unsure about why you're worried about the police?

Have you been viewing child sexual abuse images before reporting them, is that it?

I think it is a form of OCD too. I was so horrified by that article I saw and it seems to have taken up residency in my head and spiralled and spiralled. I had a mental health crisis at 15 but that was more generalised depression.

Oh OP this sounds awful for you - none of it is real if that makes sense. You have conjured all of this in your mind and I agree with PP that you are being incredibly brave and also very very self aware to realise how wrong this is and how very very unwell you are.

This sounds like pre-natal depression / psychosis which is very much a ‘thing’ and is very similar to the more well known post-natal depression.

You definitely need medical help so I would recommend speaking to your husband urgently and making sure you explain to him just how unwell you think you are and that you desperately need him to help advocate for you now.

Show him this thread - ask him to read your opening post so that he can start to see how much this is affecting you and how deeply distressed you are.

Together, you can then make an urgent GP appointment and ask for an urgent referral into the peri-natal mental health team.

No one will take your baby or think you are a bad mum.

On the contrary, asking for help and realising how ill you are is the sign of huge strength and of a devoted mother who wants to do anything she can to protect her child.

Is DH home now? Can you go and speak to him now?

I would contact the midwife and asked to be referred to the peri-natal mental health team. Hormones do all kinds of things to us and perinatal mental health teams will know how to help (and will have also heard this kind of stuff before)

No - I am having irrational thoughts. Even though I know they are irrational I am ruminating over them. I saw an article about a child being harmed in April which put me into severe anxiety and depression as I was horrified by what had happened. In seeking some sort of clarity over it all I came across a feminism forum on Reddit where other women were expressing their upset about news stories where women and children have been harmed. Recently someone on the feminism forum made a post asking everyone to report an online site to get it taken down which I did.

I have been ruminating over it all and think that because I made a report I may get looked in to. I've created a massive catastrophe situation in my head. Your response is exactly why I've been so terrified to speak to anyone and spiralling.

Your response is exactly why I've been so terrified to speak to anyone and spiralling.

My response was because I read your long opening post and simply wanted to clarify one thing from it 😳

Either way OP what you're going through sounds dreadful.

Have you been in touch with your team about your mental health?

I’m so sorry you have suffered in silence for so long. You must be brave and tell your partner and midwife exactly what has been happening because you urgently need support and will need a lot of support at the time of birth and in the post natal period.

Well done for starting here. Could you now show your OP to your partner?

Best wishes for a beautiful baby boy and a peaceful mind. You can and will recover from this but you absolutely need help.

DP is in the next room gaming and I am in bed. I'm not sure why he hasn't noticed that I've not moved all day. It is normal for me to have lie-ins even before pregnancy and I'm on maternity leave now so I guess he doesn't realise.

I started maternity leave a couple of weeks ago as I was unable to focus on work due to all the thoughts.

I know he moans that I'm on the phone all the time and have the phone attached to my hand. Usually it's because I'm speaking to the AI chatbot about all of my thoughts and trying to get reassurance (or punishment) from it. Or reading news articles or forums about the news. He thinks I'm just addicted to Tiktok videos.

From what I’ve read, a big part of therapy for OCD is making sure you clearly identify the intrusive thoughts as exactly that and that you separate yourself from the OCD.

You need to stop you, or others, reinforcing the thoughts by discussing them or trying to rationalise or explain them.

Your intrusive thoughts are everything to do with the article, the forum and the online site / petition. None of them are real, they are all compulsions and symptoms of your illness. Keep telling yourself this every time they are demanding your attention.

So, if DH or anyone else tries to get you to explain exactly what you’re afraid of or reassure you there’s nothing to worry about that’s actually not going to be helpful for you as you can’t use logic with OCD you need to break the pattern. Arguing with or against the intrusive thoughts makes them stronger in your brain. So try to avoid that as much as you can. Someone reassuring you thinks they are helping but all it does is encourage the OCD to ‘make its case’ stronger and stronger in your mind in order to defend itself

I don’t know if I’ve explained that very well

But the main thing is to focus on in discussion with anyone is the fact that you are mentally very unwell and you need urgent help - try not to get derailed into any long conversations about the exact content of the thoughts.

Do you think you could go in now and ask him to finish his game and come for a chat in bed as your worried that you’re having a mental health crisis?

“It’s really hard to explain but I’ve tried to post on this anonymous site which has made it easier to get my words out - can you please just read this. Don’t say anything until you’ve read it all - I really need your help”

Contact the gp and ask to be referred to perinatal team. It’s good you’ve recognised it but you need help. It’s very common - hormones and massive life changes, loss of routines etc.

it can be helpful to be under them incase it continues after birth. Often birth resolves it. Sometimes not.

Your in a vulnerable space mentally, and I have always found when I'm low mentally or physically the intrusive thoughts are always worse.

My husband was extremely unwell last year and had to have emergency surgery- I had unrelenting thoughts about my children being abused etc. It was horrendous.

It was through speaking to Talkworks that helped me, just having someone to speak through it all and remind me - I was broken mentally, it wasn't real, my children were safe. Please please speak to your midwife, they will be able to refer you to the perinatal mental health team

Mental health nurse here, and someone who was hospitalised for post partum depression with psychotic features.

You need to ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team, sooner rather than later. These obsessive and intrusive thoughts will only get worse after baby is born.

You need talking therapy, and probably some medication to help in the short term.

My concern is that if I ask to book in to see a GP or ask my midwife to make a referral then when I hear back from them it may be when I'm having a "good day" (I will have periods of a couple of days at a time where I put it all to the back of my mind and function normally and convince myself that I'm better) and then I will tell them I no longer need the support. That is what happened last time. I feel like I need to see someone today whilst I'm in this state. I have 3 states. One is like this where I'm hiding in the bedroom all day crying and having panic attacks and I'd say this is about once a week. Another state is where I'm still having the instructive thoughts and reading stuff on my phone/speaking to the AI chatbot but I'm able to keep the thoughts inside and not show them externally and I'm still able to do all of my usual daily stuff, this is about 3 days a week. Then there is the "Everything is fine, I was just being dramatic state" where I bury it all and feel fine for a few days and get some preparation for baby done until something randomly triggers me and then I end up back in the bad state where I can't function. It's exhausting.

I want someone to intervene and step in for me and take the control and mental load off me. I keep waiting for my partner to come in and ask me what is wrong.

I really felt compelled to reply to you as I have had exactly the same experience.

On 16th January this year I was 6 months pregnant with my third baby. I woke up one day, suddenly thought of some horrible things (won’t go in to it) and from that moment on I was changed. My worries and thoughts were slightly different from yours but I can assure you they were/are horrific. I had panic attacks every day, I couldn’t eat, all I wanted to do was sleep so I could switch my
brain off. I can completely relate when you say you think of before/after because that is exactly how I think of it.

I went to my GP to beg for anti-depressants as I was desperate and didn’t know what else to do. I also referred myself to the peri-natal mental health team in my area and they agreed that I should be prescribed sertraline. The risks during pregnancy are very small and in my opinion it was worth the risk as I couldn’t continue the way I was. I really feel like they helped me a lot. The peri-natal mental health team also referred me for a course of high intensity CBT via Talking Therapies in which my therapist said it sounds like I have OCD. She was very helpful and knowledgable and it was a relief to know I wasn’t just randomly losing my mind.

I gave birth to my lovely baby in April, I also have two amazing older children (2 and 4) and I feel a lot better now. When I look back in my life I realise I have had other cycles of OCD which I didn’t recognise at the time. I have accepted OCD is something I will have to try and managed forever but the intensity of my almost-breakdown earlier in the year has faded. It is always there in the background but medication along with some useful tools I learned in CBT has helped.

I really hope you get some help soon and please know that you aren’t alone in this. Your baby will NOT be taken from you if you admit you are struggling.

You must surely know that the answer to/ cause of all your mental anguish is clear throughout your original post.
Your partner is dead right. Ditch the screen, try a book. Constant scrolling is doing your head in, isn’t it?
You are passing all this tension on to your baby, so think of his little bonce if you feel reluctant to break your harmful habit.

Ring 111 option 2 and speak to your local mental health crisis team directly, whilst you are feeling like this.

@Millytanteit is really awful of you to say OP is passing this tension on to her baby. She is in a right state and doesn’t need these unhelpful comments, you will just make her feel worse.

@Reanne1- I was stressed and anxious and I didn’t sleep or eat properly for the last few months of my pregnancy and my baby boy is here now, growing, content, sleeping well and always smiling.

Don’t wait for DH - go and see him now.

He can be the one who takes charge and stops you pushing help away on a ‘good’ day

This very much sounds like ocd, which I myself have suffered with although in a different form. You absolutely need the help and you should re refer yourself to talking therapies and state on your referral that on a good day you may not see the necessity of treatment but you recognise when struggling that you require it. You should also tell your midwife what’s happening so that you can have midwifery and then health visitor support following the birth of your baby as there’s a chance your obsessions, compulsions etc will change and impact on your ability to care for your child and bond with him, and you both deserve to have the best possible experience of your maternity leave. Finally, I just want to say I did talking therapies in relation to ocd and it changed my life so please know you don’t have to live like this. Sending love x

Could you make it any more blatant that you don’t understand mental health?

Please get urgent help OP.

i deleted my fulller post in case not helpful to you. But pls get help

I desperately want to get some help ASAP and get something in place to try and salvage this mess. All I ever dreamed of was to be a mum and give my baby a safe and happy home and life. I was so overjoyed when I got pregnant.

I cannot believe that I have ended up like this. I want to be nesting and preparing for my baby. I want to be researching breastfeeding and nappy brands and safe sleep and getting all of his clothes nicely washed and nearly put away - normal new mum stuff. I feel like my brain has been permanently damaged and corrupted by the past few months of pure shit. My midwife said the other day how lovely Christmas with a baby is going to be for me and how it'll be all cosy and a little family bubble with joy and lots of baby cuddles and it made me feel ill because I feel like I've ruined my chances for any of that.

I know if I just speak to someone then I can get help but taking that first step is really scaring me. Because of the subject matters involved in my intrusive thoughts I am so scared that someone is going to misinterpret what I am saying and think that I am a danger to my baby and come in all guns blazing. If I open up to my partner then I'm essentially admitting to him that I've spent 4 months lying to his face pretending be fine when I've actually been losing my mind and he will be hurt by this. I want to talk to my mum but she's a full time carer and has depression herself and she won't be able to cope.