AIBU to keep my mother away from my daughter

[almostbrandnew]

I haven't seen my Mum since I was 20, and I am now 35. Our relationship was fractured before this point and she has made contact with me intermittently over the years.

In the past I have tried to talk things through with her in the hope of resolving things and building a relationship.of sorts, but the conversation has always veered back to why she is not at fault for anything. She has alcohol dependency issues and has done some awful things - including being completely absent when I was raped by a boyfriend, and swindling her own mother, my Grandma, out of a lot of money by convincing her to release equity on her home (a council house bought through right to buy - she's not a wealthy woman) when she was bewildered by the whole affair and showing very early signs of dementia. My Grandma is retired and single, and no longer talks to my Mum.

This year I welcomed my first child, a daughter, and have vowed to give her the stability and consistency I did not get from my Mum. I have a fantastic life now, with a good job and a loving relationship, and am proud my daughter will reap the fruits of that. My Mum has tried getting in contact after learning she now has a granddaughter (through other relatives, not me) and I have refused it. If my daughter seeks her out once she's old enough to act independently, that's her choice.

Am I being unreasonable to keep "her" granddaughter from her - or to keep my daughter's grandmother from her ?

Definitely not being unreasonable, anyone saying you are, obviously hasn't had an alcoholic parent.

You're not being unreasonable, OP. She's too toxic to get involved with, she'll taint you and your life. This time is precious. Keep it safe, if she wants to build bridges in the future and you feel inclined to let her then do.
But for now, keep yourself out of her nonsense.

Why are you even considering this? If your mum had to tell a story about how you ended up where you are - would her siblings or long time friends though you had a point or not ?

Absolutely not. Don't let her near your beautiful baby.

You are being appropriately protective.
Don't give your mother your address or surname.

I would give a framed photograph of you and DD to your relative to pass along to your mother. I would include a thankyou note for her best wishes on the birth and clearly state that it is not in you and baby's best Interest to resume contact. Wish her all the best.

Your mother might be content having a picture to see and think about rather than hearing about your DD and feeling ignorant and jealous of other relatives who know DD's face and first name.

I would be afraid to have DD meet her grandmother alone when DD is an adult unless you had prepared DD about how dependant on alcohol and how abusive of trust her grandmother is.

I’d give her nothing, no photo, nothing. You need to consider if your mother will add anything positive to your life or your DD’s life and from what you said, I’d say no. She has no rights in law to have contact. Have a look at similar threads from this week where a no contact mother wants contact because a baby is now in the picture.

What has put this into your head? Is there someone putting pressure on you that your daughter needs a relationship with their grandmother? She doesn’t. Not her anyway.

Protect your child. You know this deep down and stop trying to reason it out.