Have I done the right thing? 😪

[Oooootheclaw]

After 14 years of allowing myself to be emotionally abused /gas lit and having to settle for the bare minimum from my now ex DP i finally got the courage to ask him to leave yesterday- it wasn't an easy decision for me to make but I feel it was for the best as I did not want our 3 DC to have to be subjected to any more arguments or listening to me be constantly criticised and blamed for everything (yes i know I should have done it sooner but its been so bloody tough) along with walking on egg shells as his moods were so unpredictable

He told the children i have kicked him out and now they are, understandably, very upset (they are 5,8 and 9 for context) he wants to discuss contact directly via the DC (they have a spare phone which is used for face timing family on occassion)

I feel bloody awful, my youngest said to me this morning he wants his DF back and for me to leave - i am really now questioning if I have made the right decision 😪

Has anyone else experienced similar ?

YANBU OP.

Be firm from the start about any parental alienation. Your youngest was probably told to say that to you.

You’ve told him to go, don’t backtrack on that. Maybe speak to Womens Aid for advice about co-parenting. Make sure you claim child support and grey rock any tantrums from your ex.

I have no intention of letting him back now he has gone, i am just so sad for the DC 😪

I was feeling so empowered and proud of myself yesterday that I had finally been able to ask him to leave and now i just feel guilty , I have even got a locksmith coming at 9am so the locks can be changed 😪

Just tell ref kids you didn’t kick him
out. My neighbours ex did this and kids really threw it back at her. Explain that you and Daddy aren’t good friends anymore so can’t keep living together.

Well done. That took an immense amount of courage .
Your dcs are far too to young to understand the situation. You are their protector. When they are older they will understand.
Dcs adjust quite quickly. It's good in a way that they don't realise what has been happening.
Never forget that you have done this for them as well as for yourself.

They are way, way too young to discuss contact directly with their father. Absolutely do not let that happen! Make sure if they're speaking to him on the phone you're present.

You have absolutely definitely dome the right thing. Both for you and for your children.

You even say that you should have done it sooner! That’s how sure you are yourself that you have done the right thing.

Tell your children that you love them and their dad loves them and that they will see lots of their dad. That might not turn out to be the case but that’s not under your control.

Try to keep things as normal as possible over the next few days and check in with them individually and as a group.

Five year olds can’t decide what’s best for themselves. Does he choose his own school or which car the family should buy? No, because he’s an infant. He can choose which ice lollies to buy and which story he wants at bedtime. Children do want things to be the same as they have always been.

Make sure you get support for you as well, don’t be on your own with all of this.

You are doing the right thing for your children and yourself. It's day one of a new and better life. The children are young and don't understand but try not to doubt yourself. Get any support you can. You have taken the hardest step - keep going.

You absolutely have and will need to be strong, calm and mature for your children. No mud slinging, no matter the provocation. You can tell them they will still have their dad, but it might take a little while to set up a regular pattern, which you and daddy will decide. That's it. Good luck with it all, and well done for being brave enough to take this step.

Does he have a right to your home? Joint tenants? Joint owners? If so, get legal advice before changing the locks. You don't want to give him any ammunition to use against you in court.

Conversations can't keep going via the dc. There's a few co-parenting apps that you can use for comms. That way the dc are not stuck in the middle, and you have a record of what is said.

You're doing the right thing, your dc will be happier in a far less stressful house. It's hard now, but will get better.

When you're going through hell, keep going and get through it.

Good luck

Just explain to them that you're sorry they feel sad, but mummy and daddy were arguing all the time, and mummy doesn't like all the arguing as it makes her feel really sad, so asked daddy to leave to make it stop.

The only thing you're getting wrong is allowing the DC access to a phone - they're much too young and he WILL use it to tell them lies about you. Take it away and arrange access with your ex yourself. The kids will be more insecure and anxious if you don't convey that you are the one in charge. Be strong; this is the worst part. Has your ex ever spent much time looking after them solo? Perhaps when he does their view of him will alter a bit ...

Well done OP and you didn't "allow " him to abuse you. Stop viictim blaming yourself!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well done on standing up for yourself. As a people pleaser myself it can be hard to recognise when somebody oversteps and takes advantage of you but know your worth! 💪

Oh my goodness, thankyou for all of your very kind comments, was not expecting that!

Just my name on the tenancy thankfully and the locks have now been changed

Have had a lovely morning out with the DC despite us not having access to a vehicle (the last few months ive been having to ask permission to borrow his car ) and already I feel like a weight has been lifted

Good idea regarding the co parenting app, I think that will be very useful!

Am not entertaining any mud slinging ive been researching the grey rock method and am really keen to continue with this

I do feel a bit flat emotionally now thought but probably not helped with the lack of sleep last night !

This , with bells on! I've also always been a people pleaser but ive realised I have been protecting othet people's peace instead of my own for far too long and I wont stand for it anymore as life is too short ❤️

Really well done getting him out! Inevitability, the dc are going to want him back and won’t understand but I bet you’re massively relieved. The parenting app is a great idea, you literally can organise contact and not have to talk to him or allow him to abuse you.

You did the right thing, don't doubt yourself for a moment. Your household will be so much more peaceful and will be a healthier environment for your children. You also deserve so much better. Here's to a happier future!

Just to update its been a week exactly now since he left and I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted and im smiling and feeling more like myself again, its been challenging with our DC but my only regret is not doing it sooner ❤️ thanks again for all your lovely and kind comments xx

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

Hind sight is a wonderful thing and whrn youre in the depths of this situation you always hope that one day things will change for the better until you finally wake up and see the situation for what it is

Why did you come onto a post from a woman seeking support and berate her on her life choices?

Well done OP, you should be very proud of the steps you are taking towards a better life for you and your children - you deserve it.

Oh fuck off.

I'll get deleted but ah well.

Good luck op. You've been very brave.

What a star you are! Huge congratulations!

Congratulations on doing this and standing firm on your decision. You are very brave.

I was a psychotherapist and worked a lot with young people. It is often hard for children when their parents split up but it's so much worse when they split up and then reconcile, often repeatedly. Then they really don't know where they stand, have no idea who they can rely on and have no security at all.

Stay strong. Continue being the loving committed parent you clearly are and your children will adapt to the new situation.