Friend told dd(11) about my ex

[sundaymover]

As a teenager I dated a guy for a couple of years who has since, not become famous but has sometimes been mentioned in the media for only negative reasons, he has gone on to allegedly do terrible things.

Not at all someone I want to be associated with and even if i had no association with would want my children even knowing or thinking about.

A recent article where he was pictured apparently just came up on my friends phone while she was with my dd(11) and her same age dd and she decided to show them, tell them that he had been my boyfriend and explain the things he’s gone on to do.

This was over a week ago, dd came to me this morning because she had been upset and worrying about it.

Before I react I’m not at all being unreasonable to be furious and think this was an incredibly inappropriate thing for my friend to do, am I?

This person is not your friend.

I think first concern would be your daughter. Spend some time talking with her and helping her process.
Then, tell your friend it was inappropriate and that you would like her to make sure her daughter doesn't go round spouting off about you.

Hope you and your daughter are ok.

Yes, obviously comforting dd is main priority. I didn’t even think about the fact her daughter could go round gossiping about it, I really hope not.

Did she want to make herself look like she was more important in your life than she is? Or she wanted to be the one with all the gossip?

Either way, I’d be distancing myself from her.

Your "friend" is a nasty gossip. Keep your distance and keep your kids away from her completely.

This might be a good time to start discussing red flag behaviours in friends and partners with your daughter.

Gossiping about your past with an 11 year old is one.

This is all the advice you need really

Assuming the terrible things are either violent or sexually inappropriate in nature, that’s a ridiculously inappropriate thing to tell an 11 year old about whether or not there’s any association to you. To go even further and tell her about a past association is dispicable behaviour 😳

Thats a really odd and nasty thing to do.

What is DD “upset and worried” about ?

I think you need to get a bit of resilience in your 11 year old. You knew someone, many years ago, who turned our dodgy - it’s not that big a deal.

Horrible and strange thing to do. By now you will have spoken to your DD what were her worries?

Because she had information casually thrown at her that she didn’t expect or understand. Her mum lived with a man who has gone on to hurt a child and his face and name is all over the internet. I don’t know an 11 year old who wouldn’t find that worrying and be confused by that.

She’s okay now, she hasn’t spent the week hysterical she’s just had lots of questions that she wanted answering. She has resilience, the goal isn’t to have children so resilient they are always completely unaffected and never experience negative feelings.

Crikey, of course an eleven year old is going to find this disturbing. It's an adult situation that she shouldn't have been exposed to in this way. Your "friend" took it upon herself to do this, why? She had no concern for your daughter, it was just entertainment and a way to get a dig at you. I would happily cut her out of my life.

There was a similar situation here recently where an old friend told OP's young teenage daughter about things OP had done as a teenager. Nothing horrendous, but embarrassing sex/ alcohol-fuelled stories that was completely inappropriate. Again you have to question a friend's motives for doing this.

I hope you give your ‘friend’ what for! That was not her information to divulge and certainly not to your 11 year old dd. 🤬

Your so called friend is vile. Why do people do this? Im sorry to say, but she must really dislike you deep down, or be jealous of you. She’s caused harm to your child. Does she work in a professional role where she is responsible for children or vulnerable adults? If so, I’d report her to her workplace for causing harm to a minor. Her behaviour is red flag territory, completely inappropriate.

I’d also be racking my brains for any time she had confided in me and remind her of what I know about her.

Shame you’ve not discussed this with your own dd earlier on. When you live in an area/community where your past is well known best to be honest.

What an awful thing for your "friend" to do!!!! I'd be furious.

I suspect her main motivation is just to gossip, she’s regularly tried to update me about this man and I have repeatedly let her know I’m not interested. I would hope she wouldn’t intentionally try and hurt my child.

It’s not well known in my community. I live in a completely different area now, there’s a handful of what I thought were trusted adults who knew.
I’ve never lied to her about it, there’s never been a moment where it’s been necessary or appropriate to tell her.

I don't think you understand what resilience is.

It's completely normal and healthy for kids to worry short term about confusing things. They then discuss with a trusted adult and feel better.

It would be wise to stop associating with this person, she's not a good person to have in your life.

Doesn't respect your boundaries, gossips, discusses age-inappropriate things with a child.

I can understand her being disturbed by this OP.

I mean for a start, no-one really wants to think about their mum's old boyfriends, let alone one who has been in the news for hurting a child.

But do you know what she's confused about?

Young people can be confused by the idea that adults don't automatically know goodies from baddies. They think adults will know things.

True.

I just wondered if the OP actually knows.

And now is the time. I have two 11yos, ones pretty immature and would be dramatic as fuck about it, the other would take it on the chin and ask questions over a few days. I'd have no bother being realistic with ds, but dd I'd be careful with my words.

I'd ditch that pal though.

She was confused about who he was and what he had done, wanted to know if he did anything bad when I was with him etc. ‘friend’ made him out to be a celebrity and obviously in their short chat didn’t give full or factual information.