I’m eldest sister of 4 siblings, approaching 50s, married with adult kids now. I left my parents aged 19, to study/work and get on with life and happened to live a few hours away. I have lived far from parents and siblings for nearly 30 years now, and would see them 2-3 times a year during school holidays. DB1 and DB2 live near my parents and have supported them with a family business and other issues. Younger sister died a few years ago. I have tried to stay connected with all of them because there have been many upsetting events in the family, that I have been a worried and given a listening ear to all as often as I could.
I’ve pretty much got along with both brothers, I’d call them every few days until over the last year, we have been bickering like hell, and in recent months I haven’t wanted to call them.
I had managed to keep my view of DB1 private (that I think he’s an arse for his 1st wife and 2 kids leaving because she found out about his double life - mistress who he had managed to have 2 kids with), also that his name was in the businesses so the wife came after my parents’/collective family wealth. DB1 has been feeling bitter (his mistress and kids also left as she became aware of 1st wife and kids), blaming everyone else/playing victim that he never loved 1st wife for years.
DB2 and I had a good relationship until he started to also get bitter because he felt entitled to a large sum of money he had borrowed from my mum that he had changed his mind to give back. He has been restructuring my parent’s surviving assets into company ownership with self and wife as directors.
Both brothers have been bitching about my parents and had wanted me to support them in their ‘takeover’ of everything owned by my parents. They became closer with one another over the year as their conflicts with my mum became more intense. I felt uncomfortable with the blaming that while I resisted getting involved they managed to rope me in by being very rude/swearing at me - accusing me of being far away and so never having had the stress they had. That’s fair - I haven’t had the same stress (I had had different stresses) but I have cared/worried and regularly checked in. Despite being persuaded to take DB2’s side that my mum should not expect her money back, he was still very disrespectful to me.
And, DB1 had been shit-stirring and turning DB2 and his wife against mum (by sharing things my mum had said in confidence and in passing about DB2’s wife, in a twisted way with her), which I did find very curious and confronted him that that was not okay. He was very playground bully in his behaviour towards me, dismissing and degrading me, not explaining what had happened but just shutting me down with swear words (he was likely embarrassed and unable to explain why w/o seeming like slime).
Both brothers remind me of the Tate brothers, they’re very chauvinistic in their attitudes towards how great they are ‘as men’ stepping in at the 11th hour when my father has created crises in the past - only now they have also been belittling my work, academic achievements and dedication to my own family unit.
DB2 recently announced he’s getting married. I went to the engagement. I saw him since then and he was completely rude to me again. His wedding is on my wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. While my mum is pressuring me to attend, I don’t think he deserves my presence. I can easily be unable to get out of a booking I made for my anniversary. My kids are welcome to go to the wedding and see their cousins.
I’m unsure how to play this, because mum has requested that for her milestone birthday we all go abroad for a week in a few months time. I was hesitant to do this as I don’t think I can endure 2 very immature/badly behaved idiots, but nonetheless booked under pressure to take my OH and kids, and plan to keep busy reading/typing for my PhD. I don’t know DB1’s 2nd wife, and imagine her curiosity will be piquing about my behaviour, especially since DB1 has such a big twisted mouth.
AIBU to not attend DB1’s wedding?