Not going to DB’s Wedding - AIBU?

[Toobloomingtothink]

I’m eldest sister of 4 siblings, approaching 50s, married with adult kids now. I left my parents aged 19, to study/work and get on with life and happened to live a few hours away. I have lived far from parents and siblings for nearly 30 years now, and would see them 2-3 times a year during school holidays. DB1 and DB2 live near my parents and have supported them with a family business and other issues. Younger sister died a few years ago. I have tried to stay connected with all of them because there have been many upsetting events in the family, that I have been a worried and given a listening ear to all as often as I could.

I’ve pretty much got along with both brothers, I’d call them every few days until over the last year, we have been bickering like hell, and in recent months I haven’t wanted to call them.

I had managed to keep my view of DB1 private (that I think he’s an arse for his 1st wife and 2 kids leaving because she found out about his double life - mistress who he had managed to have 2 kids with), also that his name was in the businesses so the wife came after my parents’/collective family wealth. DB1 has been feeling bitter (his mistress and kids also left as she became aware of 1st wife and kids), blaming everyone else/playing victim that he never loved 1st wife for several years.

DB2 and I had a good relationship until he started to also get bitter because he felt entitled to a large sum of money he had borrowed from my mum that he had changed his mind to give back. He has been restructuring my parent’s surviving assets into company ownership with self and wife as directors. Both brothers have been bitching about my parents and had wanted me to support them in their ‘takeover’ of everything owned by my parents. They became closer with one another over the year as their conflicts with my mum became more intense. I felt uncomfortable with the blaming that while I resisted getting involved they managed to rope me in by being very rude/swearing at me - accusing me of being far away and so never having had the stress they had. That’s fair - I haven’t had the same stress (I had had different stresses) but I have cared/worried and regularly checked in. Despite being persuaded to take DB2’s side that my mum should not expect her money back, he was still very disrespectful to me.

And, DB1 had been shit-stirring and turning DB2 and his wife against mum (by sharing things my mum had said in confidence and passing about DB2’s wife, in a twisted way with her), which I did find very curious and confronted him that that was not okay. He was very playground bully in his behaviour towards me, dismissing and degrading me, not explaining what had happened but just shutting me down with swear words (he was likely embarrassed and unable to explain why w/o seeming like slime).

Both brothers remind me of the Tate brothers, they’re very chauvinistic in their attitudes towards how great they are ‘as men’ stepping in at the 11th hour when my father has created crises in the past - only now they have also been belittling my work, academic achievements and dedication to my own family unit.

DB2 recently announced he’s getting married. I went to the engagement. I saw him since then and he was completely rude to me again. His wedding is on my wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. While my mum is pressuring me to attend, I don’t think he deserves my presence. I can easily be unable to get out of a booking I made for my anniversary. My kids are welcome to go to the wedding and see their cousins.

I’m unsure how to play this, because mum has requested that for her milestone birthday we all go abroad for a week in a few months time. I was hesitant to do this as I don’t think I can endure 2 very immature/badly behaved idiots, but nonetheless booked under pressure to take my OH and kids, and plan to keep busy reading/typing for my PhD. I don’t know DB1’s 2nd wife, and imagine her curiosity will be piquing about my behaviour, especially since DB1 has such a big twisted mouth.

AIBU to not attend DB1’s wedding?

Just because you are related to them doesn't mean they automatically deserve your time or energy. I wouldn't go. And I would remain very LC or even NC with them for the remainder of my days.

I’d have a think not just about the wedding but how able they seem to “rope you in”. It sounds like generally you’re struggling to hold your boundaries with them and then end up frustrated when you end up going against your own feelings about them. You need to find a level you’re comfortable with and stick to that, if that means not going to the wedding that’s fair enough. For the holiday I’d look for accommodation nearby so that you have somewhere to retreat to when they feel too much, explain why to your parents, they must see the behaviour you’re talking about.

If you end up going on the holiday, will you OH have your back if your brothers are rude to you? I wouldn’t go to the wedding or on holiday and would explain why to your mother. Go no contact with your brothers and stop calling or taking their calls.

You seem like the family go between which is basically the scapegoat. I have the same in my 'family', all my achievements minimised, my life always being put down so everyone else somehow seems to be better than me.
I did not go to my brothers wedding a few years ago because he and his now wife both completely ignored me three days before their wedding and openly had a family meal out that me and my son were excluded from. Looking back I should have cut my mother and sister out of my life then for not calling him out on his revolting behaviour of me but years of being treated like I am a second class citizen prevented me doing so and I spent weeks crying about the whole thing. If I had my time again I would still not go but I would call them out for their destructive behaviour and in your case not go on the holiday either.

And i would have a separate holiday with your mother for her birthday

From another side, how would they view things? You’ve been far away from your parents for the last 30 years and although you’ve been supportive as you can be, they’ve been there for your parents physically. Worked in the business and been in your parents lives daily/regularly. They don’t sound nice people but is the inheritance partly they feel they’ve the one whose done the practical support for the last 30 years with your parents?

I don’t think it being your anniversary is a big deal but I know some people celebrate anniversaries more than I do. I wouldn’t go on the holiday but I think it’s a shame to completely miss the wedding, especially if your children are going.

I think.I would go to the wedding to support mum (if you get on with her).
I'd tell mum.you cant do a week away with brothers so will take her away for a few days and plan a really nice treat.

Not going to the wedding would be the nuclear option there's no going back from. Not going on the holiday would be less terminal.

Also avoiding people at a wedding is far easier, particularly if they are the ones getting married as they'll be busy. I'd go to the wedding as a placeholder/peacekeeping but be very Switzerland about it all. I'd rather pull my fingernails out than go on holiday with your brothers though.

You seem very bitter, and I can’t quite understand what about.

You moved miles away, your brothers have supported your parents on a social and business level. They are now restructuring assets (one would think to ensure the right legal stuff is in place of either of your parents become seriously ill or die)

They seemingly got your parents out of a bind, when your Dad made some poor decisions.

Family Business can be really tough, due to the line between what’s right for the business, and what’s right on a personal level.

They have had to deal with a lot of stress that you have not. All families can say unkind things in the heat of the moment .. I love my siblings dearly, but I still moan about them to my husband on occasion.

The turn of phrase “he doesn’t deserve my presence” says far more about you than anything else.

Depends on what kind of relationship you want with them going forward. Which is a big question.

“DB2 recently announced he’s getting married. I went to the engagement. I saw him since then and he was completely rude to me again. His wedding is on my wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. While my mum is pressuring me to attend, I don’t think he deserves my presence. I can easily be unable to get out of a booking I made for my anniversary. My kids are welcome to go to the wedding and see their cousins.”

Sorry, this should be “DB1 recently announced he’s getting married again”.

I wouldn't go to the wedding or on the holiday. But I'm old and getting more bolshy by the day, so you probably shouldn't listen to me. 😶

I wouldn't go to the wedding and I would be upfront with your Mum about the reason why. As for the holiday, say you understand she'd like all her children around her, but it wouldn't end well and the reality would be squabbling. Instead, you take her away for a few days, separate from the brothers.

She can't be oblivious to the atmosphere so it won't be much of a shock.

Both of the brothers sound like dreadful people. I'd not bother with any of this in your position.

OH has been supportive. It doesn’t make sense to him why DB1 and DB2 have become so visceral and abusive. Mum has been there for them, providing unlimited childcare, physically cared for DILs during difficult pregnancies. Father had built impressive wealth over a span of 30 years for someone with poor beginnings in life. I privately think that brothers have not had the same success and so they look to blame, justify and take. It’s convenient that while they have supported the family business, they are rubbishing my parent’s achievements and support of them as part of their takeover so they can feel properly entitled. OH thinks they are alienating me because: 1) they might want me to be left out of any inheritance (I haven’t even thought about inheritance), 2) they dislike that I’m an independent woman earning my own living. They have tried to frame to OH that if he wasn’t supportive to me I would be nowhere. OH knows that it has not been an easy ride for me, and that I’m a staunch feminist who has tried to be equal to him in carrying our collective weight as a family unit.

I explained to mum that I’d rather take her away separately, but she regrets that me & family did not join her last milestone birthday. She has put a lot of pressure on and selected a very affordable location (changing from long haul/expensive). She wants everyone to be together on her birthday. I’ve imagined that I will just stay busy at the all inclusive resort, being around my family, studying, and then joining for mum’s birthday on the day. It’s been an exhausting year and we could do with a holiday of not cooking, being somewhere warmer etc.

I also think mum’s an optimist/doormat/people pleaser who struggles to say no, and she expects me to be the same. She felt awful when brothers were ganging up against her over the last year, and she knows that their backlash on me has been mainly because I’ve tried to question/challenge their overly negative/false claims about her.

Is the holiday first, or the wedding? How long is the holiday? I would maybe join them for 2 nights and judging by how the trip went, I would then decide if I was going to the Wedding or not.

I do feel sad, more than bitter.

I was trying to be helpful in considering with mum how to understand brothers’ perspectives over the last year (that brothers feel she should not question what they do with family business/parent home ownership, remortgaging parents home, and not paying her personal money back etc. because they feeling owed), while I tried to help them understand my parents unease at their domineering/unkind way of going about it.

I’m not personally invested in their complex set up, I had always seen my self as quite neutral and without any agendas. I have always acknowledged that I am not in the thick of their issues, and can see that their boundaries are quite messed up.

I’m sad that they have made personal digs at me over the last year though, as if to reduce me, e.g. calling me a trophy wife, making crude comparisons of me to animals that lap up while the husband goes out to work. I have worked in the NHS for a couple of decades, raised my kids, and studied a few postgraduate qualifications, and supported OH’s mum’s needs while OH has worked in corporate. We both work hard. I’ve also tried to manage my pain related condition quietly, and have therefore been needing to stay away from any more overstimulation from parents & siblings. I have managed mainly on my own where I live, with no family support e.g. childcare etc.

I feel disrespected.

I wouldn't be doing anything/going anywhere with any of them - holiday included!

My kids are adults. I wouldn’t atop them from going to their uncle’s wedding.

I feel more strongly about being there for mum’s birthday (because I couldn’t go to her previous milestone birthday abroad and she has always remembered that), than for DB1’s second wedding/quiet affair. He hasn’t called me/invited me directly. He invited my OH. My OH shared his view that DB1 should apologise for swearing at me very crudely and then storming off and that will help smooth things out. DB1 has not apologised.

DB1’s wedding is first, in a couple of weeks. Mum’s milestone birthday holiday in a few months.

I have explained this to her RE: potential bad atmosphere during her birthday.

She hopes our family relationships will somehow be better by then.

They are getting what they want. Their insults towards me is strange. I feel like they don’t want much of a relationship with me.

I have 2 brothers and what I’ve found is when I bring myself down to their level they back away. So, whilst “ffs, grow up you bullying bastard” will result in an argument with them, they will have more respect for you than you being mild and meek. You need to start standing up for yourself. Your brothers and your mum are walking all over you.

Not that I’m meek, more that I live far away. I think it’s sad that there is little/no chance of repair because of me living far away.

Your brothers both sound like idiots.

But weddings and funerals are pretty important things. If you don't go you'll upset your parents and many other people. You don't have to enjoy it but it's just one day. I'd suck it up, by all means leave early or whatever but do show your face. It's not worth upsetting your parents over.