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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be furious DH scared the children into behaving?

44 replies

Throwawayquestioning · 12/08/2026 19:26

DH invented a fictional scary character to scare the kids when they’re misbehaving (they’re 1 and 4). My 4 year old was scared to be out when the sun went down in case it ‘gets’ her. I had no idea he used this to get them to behave until she told me why she was scared and I’m absolutely fuming. AIBU?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 12/08/2026 21:09

Mine had night terrors after my dh did this.

he had to tell them he had a sword and would cut it’s head off.

(he didn’t)

clearlyy · 12/08/2026 21:13

Anyahyacinth · 12/08/2026 21:08

Yes, scaring children under 4 into behaving by using monsters causes psychological harm.

Children under the age of 4 have a natural tendency to believe everything adults tell them.

Developmentally, their brains cannot yet reliably separate fantasy from reality.

When a caregiver uses threats of monsters to force compliance, the child processes the threat as an immediate, literal physical danger.

Psychological Impacts of Scaring Young Children:

Triggers Trauma Responses: The threat activates a severe fight-or-flight survival response in the brain.

Erodes Caregiver Trust: Children look to parents for safety. Using fear teaches them that their protectors are unsafe or willing to expose them to danger.

Creates Subconscious Imprints: Intense fear at this age leaves deep, lasting imprints in the subconscious mind.

Causes Severe Nightmares: The imaginary threat routinely manifests as vivid nighttime terrors and a profound fear of the dark.

Induces Developmental Regression: Children may exhibit behavioral setbacks like bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, or a refusal to sleep alone.

Fosters Long-Term Phobias: Early childhood terror frequently evolves into chronic, persistent anxieties that last into adolescence.

Developmental Reality Under Age 4:

According to developmental psychologists, children aged 3 to 5 are only able to accurately distinguish real entities from fictional monsters about 40% of the time.

Because their rational minds cannot contextualize a "boogeyman" as a joke or a mere behavioral prompt, the emotional stress remains highly damaging and counterproductive to healthy discipline.

Doesn't sound good to me, basically you'll never know the child and their well developed confident personality if you use this approach..you'll have crushed something they need to develop well.

How does it cause psychological harm tho? I watched sleepy hollow at 4 when it was on telly and I’m absolutely fine. Horror film buff as an adult! But what did scare me was crime watch reenactments. Scared me enough to learn about stranger danger very very young. I really don’t mean to be this person but are kids just softer nowadays? Genuine question too, I’m not trying to be awful. Genuinely don’t get it.

I see so many threads like “should I show my 10 year old Harry Potter it would scare her” she’s 10? What do you mean???? Back in the 90s we read goosebumps and found it great not scary.

clearlyy · 12/08/2026 21:15

WaneyEdge · 12/08/2026 20:52

Yes! The spirit of dark & lonely water, proper scary! They had a few; water, electricity substations/pylons, fireworks. Also had Charly the cat. And the BR film ‘Robbie’ about trespassing on the railway.

My mam showed me all of these when I was very very young! They worked too.

Anyahyacinth · 12/08/2026 21:20

clearlyy · 12/08/2026 21:13

How does it cause psychological harm tho? I watched sleepy hollow at 4 when it was on telly and I’m absolutely fine. Horror film buff as an adult! But what did scare me was crime watch reenactments. Scared me enough to learn about stranger danger very very young. I really don’t mean to be this person but are kids just softer nowadays? Genuine question too, I’m not trying to be awful. Genuinely don’t get it.

I see so many threads like “should I show my 10 year old Harry Potter it would scare her” she’s 10? What do you mean???? Back in the 90s we read goosebumps and found it great not scary.

We aren't talking about that though.

These children's father is telling them something they believe about danger to them if they don't behave as he wishes.

For all that our lives would be easier - do we really want to rewire children's brains because we don't protect them from things they can't handle/ assess / process?

Anyone can control by fear applied to tiny children...it's not parenting

Optimisticdramalarma · 12/08/2026 21:24

strawlight · 12/08/2026 20:43

Mine believed for years that every CCTV camera was a Santacam. I pointed them all out when we went anywhere… he’s always watching yooooou….

I have a 'camera' in my lounge (it's from the 70's burglar alarm-it doesn't work)

It does however flash a red light randomly

I've been known to tell kids it's 'santa watching you to be sure your being good at larma's house'

Never had a child misbehave yet (they do keep a very close eye on the 'camera')

Saying that,when they are all adults,i'll be paying for their therapy because i fibbed to them,so swings and roundabouts really

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/08/2026 22:11

A colleague used to tell her daughter the town hall was were naughty children went. She soon stopped being naughty.

Treylime · 12/08/2026 22:11

Tunnocks34 · 12/08/2026 20:12

Ha! This reminds me of my childhood. My Irish daddy had a story of ‘the man’ no idea who the man was or what his story was, but I was very absolutely certain that if I left my bedroom after bedtime then the man would get me.

It didn’t scar me. It’s now actually a fond memory, although it isn’t for form of dicipline I’ve chosen with my own children.

My parents used to scare us with 'The Man' Irish Mum/English Dad, maybe its an Irish thing. Didnt scar us though, just a 70s thing.

Tinybirdie · 12/08/2026 22:14

I would be absolutely fizzing if my husband did this. It's abusive and I can't believe all the people saying it's fine.

wishfulthinking25 · 12/08/2026 22:18

Tunnocks34 · 12/08/2026 20:12

Ha! This reminds me of my childhood. My Irish daddy had a story of ‘the man’ no idea who the man was or what his story was, but I was very absolutely certain that if I left my bedroom after bedtime then the man would get me.

It didn’t scar me. It’s now actually a fond memory, although it isn’t for form of dicipline I’ve chosen with my own children.

Wow, ‘the man’, this brings back so many memories for me. Maybe it’s an Irish thing??

TeaCupTinsel · 12/08/2026 22:38

I would tell the children that daddy just made a spooky story, it is not real, just like many of the story books you haven't aren't real. Or, my favourite line to my kids 'Dad thinks he is being funny... Dad isn't funny.'

LadyEnemy · 13/08/2026 07:22

And yet millions of people around the whole use God and the threat of hell to make people behave.

Cathmawr · 13/08/2026 07:27

I think it's tight. My mum invented a tarantula who lived in her bed who liked grown ups but hated children to get me to stop sleeping in there when I was about 4. I have arachnophobia and fully blame her!

Mooselander · 13/08/2026 07:29

YANBU. Parenting with fear is a form of abuse.

UniquePinkSwan · 13/08/2026 07:31

LadyEnemy · 13/08/2026 07:22

And yet millions of people around the whole use God and the threat of hell to make people behave.

Exactly and it’s far more scary that millions believe it

scalt · 13/08/2026 07:40

Mooselander · 13/08/2026 07:29

YANBU. Parenting with fear is a form of abuse.

Could somebody tell Matt Hancock and Boris Johnson this, and show them this thread, when they spent millions of our money on behavioural psychologists to learn best way to “frighten the pants off the public” (their words, not mine)?

Only half joking. I think that their method of frightening the public into obedience was the worst thing they did, even worse than lockdown itself. Perhaps Alexander de Pfeffel was reliving the childhood trauma of some bogeyman which Stanley or a nanny had told him about.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 13/08/2026 07:51

This makes me think of the Peter Kay sketch. The daughter is scared of wardrobe monsters. He tells no such thing. It's the burglars that come through windows you want to be scared of!

likelysuspect · 13/08/2026 07:56

Anyahyacinth · 12/08/2026 21:08

Yes, scaring children under 4 into behaving by using monsters causes psychological harm.

Children under the age of 4 have a natural tendency to believe everything adults tell them.

Developmentally, their brains cannot yet reliably separate fantasy from reality.

When a caregiver uses threats of monsters to force compliance, the child processes the threat as an immediate, literal physical danger.

Psychological Impacts of Scaring Young Children:

Triggers Trauma Responses: The threat activates a severe fight-or-flight survival response in the brain.

Erodes Caregiver Trust: Children look to parents for safety. Using fear teaches them that their protectors are unsafe or willing to expose them to danger.

Creates Subconscious Imprints: Intense fear at this age leaves deep, lasting imprints in the subconscious mind.

Causes Severe Nightmares: The imaginary threat routinely manifests as vivid nighttime terrors and a profound fear of the dark.

Induces Developmental Regression: Children may exhibit behavioral setbacks like bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, or a refusal to sleep alone.

Fosters Long-Term Phobias: Early childhood terror frequently evolves into chronic, persistent anxieties that last into adolescence.

Developmental Reality Under Age 4:

According to developmental psychologists, children aged 3 to 5 are only able to accurately distinguish real entities from fictional monsters about 40% of the time.

Because their rational minds cannot contextualize a "boogeyman" as a joke or a mere behavioral prompt, the emotional stress remains highly damaging and counterproductive to healthy discipline.

Doesn't sound good to me, basically you'll never know the child and their well developed confident personality if you use this approach..you'll have crushed something they need to develop well.

😂😂

PollyBell · 13/08/2026 08:19

I sont know of anyone who has grown up without some parent invention to get their children to behave or some family tall tales kids beleive

Is there anything else modern people want to suck out of life or over complicate ?

Madreamigajefa2 · 13/08/2026 08:20

I think if you're not on the same page about what he did, sit down (not fuming) and talking about tricky situations with the kids without making it about this specific method and jointly discuss what might work or has worked that you can both agree with. If you go in "fuming" you're very likely to find that your partner becomes more and more reluctant to provide any kind of behaviour management at all. Clearly he used the tool in his toolbox he felt most appropriate at the time and having a go at him for that instead of talking through alternatives in a positive, joint effort manner will leave him either defensive or deflated and I'd assume you want him to be a hands on dad more than you want him to know how deeply you disapprove of him.

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