AIBU to wonder how married people risk affairs without constant fear?

[Careerhelpppp]

Whenever it’s revealed that somebody is or has been cheating on their other halves, I’m always amazed that they even dared to do this. I’m not talking about people sleeping with other people in early stages of relationships when young, but married people with joint mortgages, kids, a relationship that they actually don’t want to finish.

A friend of mine had an affair with her tennis coach - she was a SAHM with but would have sex with her tennis coach during her ‘lesson’ and they also met up occasionally outside of this. This man was single and had some mutual acquaintances with her DH, but she said she wasn’t worried about her DH finding out as her tennis coach was very discreet. But I just cannot imagine a man NOT bragging to his friends that he is sleeping with X’s wife?!

How do these people not live every day in fear that their partners are going to find out?!

I imagine the risk of being found out is a turn on for some. Plus you need a certain kind of “bottle” to cheat. Plus if you’ve got away with crossing that line once, the next time won’t feel like such a big deal.

I'd imagine that if your partner is someone who forgave you the first time, you think you're pretty invincible?

I think some people are attracted to the secrecy and sneaking around, they probably eventually get bolder and take more risks as they go and that's what eventually gets them caught.
I think as well sometimes people subconsciously want to get caught, they can't articulate their feelings or aren't brave enough to have difficult conversations so they cheat to use it as a grenade and then can deflect the blame. How often do you hear (usually a man, sorry) say oh but she left me, we could have worked through it if she wanted to, she could have forgiven me ..blah blah blah...

My friend’s relationship definitely isn’t like this. She’s bored with her husband but admits she doesn’t want to leave him… she just likes the attention from her coach. I just cannot believe people risk their affair partner telling other people (which I think is inevitable) and then their DP finding out.

If she’s having an affair she’s not happy at home I guess. So maybe deep down she doesn’t value her relationship with her husband anyway. 🤷‍♀️

As far as I’m aware affairs are seen as quite addictive. Although not classed officially as a recognised medical addiction they follow the same patterns of producing dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol hits which mean that once it starts it’s hard to stop. That’s why they take such risks. Hard for your rational brain to kick in.

If you have got to the point where an extra-martial affair is needed or desired, the marriage is probably not worth saving. The messy entanglements of finances, family and emotional support are less
compelling, I would imagine.

Because they don’t care. They care about themselves first and only.

I could tell you stories but would be outing. And I know of bored house wives having lesbian affairs. Having coffee with a friend is less suspicious.

I think men's desire for sex (or more sex) is so strong that they're able to just shut their eyes to any guilt or fear and put themselves centre stage. Their enormous egos basically outweigh the thought of their wives and kids. I think many women who have affairs are doing so because they're fundamentally unhappy and they probably feel more guilt or fear for their actions, especially where there's a risk of blowing their kids' lives up. But then I don't really know, I've never had or wanted to have an affair.

Yeah that makes sense and I suspect it's probably a gradual thing. Like a bit of flirting that makes you feel good, progresses onto a bit of texting, emotional support, just a drunken kiss, then a bit more, etc. And each little stage is rewarding the brain with a dopamine hit and you've got away with it so you are emboldened.

Thinking about the folk I know it's been a mix of factors, fed up with partners/unhappy at home, self sabotage and low self esteem, or just arrogance, desire and thrill seeking. I don't think there's a one size fits all.