Seeing my friend back in her relationship makes me sick

[Chachaslide1]

My friend has got back with her boyfriend. He is a horrible man. He's beat her up, he’s called her every disrespectful thing he can and restricts what she can do. She’s got back with him and sends me picks of them holding hands or tries to talk to me about him. She’s even brought him out to say hi to me.

Everything about him makes me sick and I don’t know why she keeps trying to force him onto me too.

I’ve told her in a nice beat around the bush way that I don’t want to know. But she’s continuing.

Has anyone got any advice? It’s making me want to stay away from her as she keep talking about him

I'd be honest with her. Say you cannot support her being in this abusive relationship and you don't want to see or hear of him.

You'll only get dragged through the same cycle of picking her up when he beats her down, just for her to run back to him again. It's emotionally exhausting.

I have this exact scenario and I find it really difficult; it also brings back my own experiences which is very hard. However I can’t completely step away as when she finally does leave I want to help her. I have stepped back in a lot of ways now though; I don’t respond with urgency to their ongoing arguments and if I’m not in the mood to hear about the latest issue I don’t see her

It’s so horrible I feel like I’m on the emotional roller coaster with them. It’s like she was at mine and spent the whole time arguing then pleading with him on the phone and then the next day I get a picture of them in ‘love’

Be honest. You love her. You want the best for.her. You will not have contact with a violent criminal.

And whenever she's ready to leave you will be there.

Then be consistent.

Then you need to get off the roller coaster for your own wellbeing.

Tell her you've been here before, you know how this story ends and it was painful enough at watch the first time.

Out of interest is she a good friend to you while she's with this awful man? Does she listen to your worries and help you out, or is it all about her drama?

I think you have to be honest with her that you think she's made a big mistake getting back with him. Try and keep a line of communication with her though, he will try and isolate her from friends and family.

I would imagine the pictures of them “loved up” are her trying to convince herself as well as you that that’s the reality.

Id just say “Sally I want you to be happy. I accept you’re back with Dave. However - I also know how this story ends and so whilst I’m here for you I don’t want to be part of the Sally/Dave narrative. That means no pictures or meeting him”.

I would just block her sadly it happens all the time, they never learn so unless you want to keep on having to pick up the pieces when it constatly goes wrong and she continues on the picking bad ones cycle not much you can do just hope there is no children to follow her lead

Tell her you won’t enable her by being supportive of this new round of her relationship. That you’ll be there when it goes tits up again but in the mean time you don’t want to see or hear anything about him. If she pulls back then go with it, but make it clear you’ll be there if she needs you.

Think it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abusive part er so this could go on for a while. Very frustrating for others - l would say what pp have said, be honest with her but make sure she knows you are there when it goes wrong, especially as we all know he may try to isolate her, particularly if he knows you don't like him.

Your approach is understandable but if you learn about domestic abuse, you'll know it's not as simple as this

No woman chooses to be abused

Blame rests entirely with the perpetrator, not the victim / survivor

Tell her she's a fool and you don't want to hear a single thing about him or their relationship - and if she can't do that walk away from her.

There is only so much someone can live through someone elses relationship friendship should be mutual and not all one sided, if it is great put up with it but I would really doubt it in this case

I’m pretty sure if you look at your friendship dispassionately, she’s a crap friend. I’ll bet it’s all about her and her latest drama.

If you tell her you don’t want to hear a thing about her shitty relationship or her shitty boyfriend, and you actually stick to that, she’ll go and find someone else to suck the energy out of.

I no doubt have the wrong approach I wouldnt block her or anything but id be very direct.

I'd literally reply with
"Why are you sending this to me? We both knwo you arent in love- you are scared of him and hes abusive"
"a man who punches you doesnt love you"
"He's abusive and controlling you don't have to live like this and you should leave"
"You know you need to leave him - he's abusive and will hurt you again."
"I love and care about you so I am not going to pretend this is all fine. You can send all the hand holding pics you want hes abusive and beats you"

This happened to me. A good friend went back to a lazy, creepy, sleazy guy and said she doesn’t care what other people think about her relationship. She kept trying to arrange meet ups with us and him and the one time I went he made disgusting, sexual jokes all night to the entire group.

We are not friends anymore. I don’t have to have a sleazy creep in my life just because she chooses to have one in hers, and it became clear that they came as a pair so that was that.

And what victims of domestic abuse also need to understand is that it rarely affects just them. It also affects their children, friends and family to witness their inability to prioritise their own safety and security. And sometimes the people around them can’t cope with being witnesses to abuse for years on end, especially in cases where the victim has escaped and makes a choice to go back.

There is only so long people can put up with others deliberate bad choices

You can only tell her that you will be there for her when he beats her up next time, and you just hope you won't have to identify her body.

Exactly. At some point it does become a choice. And it’s not fair of them to expect their friends and family to continue to expose themselves to abusive behaviour.

I was thinking the same thing.
Most murder victims know their killers and domestic killing especially of women is sadly common. I would keep the door open for her if she brings other things to your friendship, not only her latest dramas.
If it was constant he loves me, he hit me and it is 100% about her everytime you speak I'd let her go out of my life.
Shen needs to get help, if she wants it, but you aren't the sticking plaster to fix things, nor should you be.

Yes. Stop beating around the bush and tell her directly that you can't condone their relationship and that you don't want to hear his name or about their relationship. Or, you could cut her out.

seems like this is not the popular opinion on this thread but my view is: next time he beats her up, she needs to know she has people she can speak to. And maybe the time after that.
it might be painful for you to see her with this man, but it would be more painful for you to find out she stayed with him for longer because she had no one she felt safe to speak with in future. Is it that hard to just react to her photo with a heart, nod along to happy stories? I’m not saying you should befriend the guy but isolating her would be dangerous.

This is such a tricky situation! I completely understand your frustration that she has chosen to go back to this arsehole! But he will likely try and ostracise her from her friends and family which will make it even more difficult for her to leave again! You do need to protect your own mental health so could you maybe not really engage with her lovey dovey pictures and just use a emoji to a knowledge it?

It's awkward for you but she is telling you she needs you to be witness to their relationships. She needs you more than ever. She is in such a dangerous situation.
I would tolerate the situation. Stay away from him but keep her close. Answer the phone when she calls - check in with her.
You will not convince her to leave him so you need to be there when he beats her up again.
Can you do a background check on him?