Senior executive at work asked me to dinner and told me to dress up

[debru]

I am 30 and single. I have been working for the same company for about 5 years. It is a big company and I have always been quite careful about keeping things professional.
For the last year I have been working under a senior executive. He is very senior in the company although he works from another main branch in the same city.

I have probably met him 10 or 15 times. We have always had a professional relationship. I don't really know anything about his personal life. I don't even know if he is married.

This morning I got a text from him asking if I am free tomorrow night because he wants to have dinner with me. He said he would book a table for us. he also told me to dress up. I haven't replied yet because I honestly don't know how to take it.

I am not someone who normally goes to dinner alone with people who are much higher up than me at work. I also don't want to do anything that could potentially affect my career or put me in an awkward situation.

At the same time he is a very important person in the company and I don't want to unnecessarily offend him or make things awkward professionally.

What would you do in my position?

Well the obvious answer is I'd politely ask why and then take it from there.

Say you "aren't free" and go see HR.

Ask for more info? Also, do you fancy him at all? It is a professional meeting with him or with him and others? Does he plan on promoting you or mentoring you?

Reply, 'Sorry, X -- what is this about? Isn't it something we can discuss in the office?'

He sounds incredibly high-handed to me. Make him explain himself. Also, he doesn't get to dictate the dresscode out of the office.

I have a good working relationship with him....Mostly realted to my work. In the past he helped me in some projects where I needed help, that's all

I have no idea, just randomly he texted me

Find out whether it's work related first.

I'd reply as if the message wasn't meant for me "Hi Dave, I think you've sent this to me in error. Enjoy your dinner!" Then how I deal with it would depend on his response

Oh hi John

Thanks for text... just to clarify is this to discuss project xyz? Or is it another new project and if so can you provide more context pls

Has he texted you by mistake?

Go, tell him you’ve stopped drinking alcohol entirely due to headaches, then tell him all about your live-in partner and how you’re planning to get married soonish but want no kids as you’re more interested in your career. Then ask him all about himself, listen with great interest, get a cab home at 9.30 as apparently you have a spin class the next morning at 6am, make a note of all that was discussed and every detail of the dinner lest it come back to bite you, then never mention it to anyone again.

Is one pragmatic way of approaching it. Be boring and Teflon and give someone the graceful way out if at all possible.

What a hassle though!

Ooh yes, this is crafty!

So reply and ask for more info.

He clearly mentioned my name "Hey, M..."

Well yes, a massive hassle if she took this ridiculously unprofessional advice 😳

I’d do this.

I’d reply Hi. Can you tell me
the purpose of the meeting please so I can make sure I have some relevant notes available.

Wouldn’t touch that with a barge pole.
I'd ask him if it’s a meeting about work and if it is I’d suggest an online meeting or booking a meeting room.

I'd never mix business with pleasure..potential nightmare scenario.

I think this is good advice. It gives him an 'out' so he can save face, while making it clear you don't want to go on a date with him.

Edit: if it is a work meeting he will say that in the follow up message and you won't look unprofessional or that you made assumptions.

@debru ask him if there’s a particular reason for the invitation? And couldn’t this be a meeting in work time?

I’d suggest you reply “hi boss, my evenings are quite busy, if at all possible, any meetings you need with me would be better contained in the work day, let me know whenever works for you.”

I would message him back in the first instance:

'is this a work related offer, or a date?'

Then take it from there. Either way, I would make sure I drove there myself (and parked somewhere well lit, safe etc.).

Say ‘thanks for the invite, may I ask is this business related or social as I would prefer to keep our relationship professional?’

Yes, this.

I don't know why some people are leaping to conclusions when it could be a professional meeting.

All the OP needs to do is professionally ask what the purpose is and then decide from there.

What a palaver!

@debru could be a professional and just go back and say she’s not sure why this isn’t a work meeting, and push back.

WE WOMEN DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE NICE AND ACCOMMODATING

It entirely depends on your industry and role. If you don’t think that there are lots of women who have had to fend off clients and senior colleagues at the first pass in alcohol fuelled situations where they can’t decline socialising, you’re very, very naive! I distinctly remember telling a key client about my darling husband to be as the client tried to hold my hand under the table (of eight people, at an awards dinner). It was him being unprofessional, not me, but he had had a client relationship with the company for thirty years, CEO adored him and it would be too much hassle and too risky for me to go through the ‘proper routes’, which in any case had no track record for really shielding women from future redress!

I work in media though, and every one of my friends has (many) similar stories. Perhaps other industries are more professional which is very good news.

Could it be work related? It does sound a bit creepy, a throwback to the 90’s when this was normal alas, but in its self could it be meeting a client?