To not be put off dating these type of men?

[Laurenndate]

I’m early 30’s and dating again after breaking up with the man I’d been with since I was 25 earlier this year. I am child free but do want kids in the future.

The best dates I’ve had are with men who have kids themselves already (only one rather than multiple). I know 2 out of the 3 are keen to have children again in the future.

Most of the advice I’ve had from friends is to find someone child free. I have had child free dates but the men can’t compete with the ones described above.

Would you pursue men with a kid already if they tick many other boxes and are wanting to have more in the future? Has anyone done just that and had success story?

No because they will tell you what you want to hear with regards to wanting more kids. Sorry.

I’d look for one without kids if I was in your shoes it’s not that smooth

How would your friends like it if they had kids, and lots of men they liked were being told to avoid women with kids?

I think you should go for a man who treats you well but even more importantly treats his kids right too (not a Disney dad who swoops in and does lots of treats and no real parenting). If you find a man who is genuinely a good dad (doing 50:50 or near that and actually doing the grunt work of parenting not just the fun stuff) then he’ll be worth his weight in gold. However, be prepared for the fact that step-parenting is never easy and if he has a high-conflict situation with the ex I would walk away. I say this as someone about to marry someone who is a phenomenal dad but whose ex is genuinely a nightmare (think bringing pedophiles into the children’s lives sort of nightmare). I couldn’t ever leave him because I love him to pieces and he’s the best man I’ve ever met, but would I choose this situation again if I hadn’t met him and someone explained what it would be like, no.

You’re childfree but want children?

Anyway that said it’s up to you. Lots of people without children happily marry people with them. My friend was a single mother when she met her husband of nearly 20 years. He had none and yet they are very happy quarter of a decade earlier. Personally I choose not to deal with men with children but that’s me. Do what works for you.

I would say make sure they actually want more children. And how many more do they want. Also are you ready to be a step-mom and deal with ex wives / partners?

I mean that already happens.

Dating a man with children was always a no for me, too complicated and I wouldn't want to deal with everything that comes with step children.

I would and I did...the problem was never with his child, his first wife on the other hand...

You wont be dating a man, you'll be a step parent, you'll also become "the other woman" to his child's mother, not to mention part of a three way relationship. And that's before you have a kid with him. And don't think he's going to get all gooey eyed over your pregnancy, he'll have done all that before with someone else. Another woman you've never met, but will likely see you as an enemy, will have more of a history and "claim" to your partner than you do. The other woman will have absolute control over him and her solicitors can demand your financial details.

I think you're being incredibly naive.

How old are the children and when did they split up? What is their relationship ship like with the ex? This could be a factor. Also men will tell you what they think you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words

You’re a currently childless want-to-be parent, not “childfree”.

No. It is too complicated. Been there.

For me, if in that position, it would depend a lot on what the ex was like and the financial situation.

Depends on what you are looking for really
Are you able to share a life with a child and respectfully towards all that childs family.
People saying no I assume are to selfish.
What happens when it is grown up adult children who have moved away or have a busy life.
Yet I think it depends on the type of person you are.
Please do not of you are a jealous type for the kids sake.
Works both ways.

I told myself I’d never go out with a man who’s previously been married or had children and ended up with a man who had done both!

It is not for the faint hearted, taking on someone else’s child and having to deal with a possibly difficult ex.

You have to be prepared to not always come first, to make sacrifices and have a lot of patience.

Being a step parent is a notoriously thankless job and it only works if you really truly love the person and you can have open and honest conversations about how you feel with regards to step parenting etc.

It will never work if you end up with a man who can see no wrong in his children or who expects you to shut up and smile and “love them as your own.” Which is basically code for him saying you can never complain about how tough it is.

As a woman with children, I would much prefer to date men without children. My children come first and I'd find it frustrating having to navigate life with someone who also have their own children to prioritise. I don't want back and forth over school holidays and childcare, pick ups and drop offs, family holidays, who is here when and where, finances, exes, etc etc. Its massively hypocritical and I'm okay with that. I'd rather be single until my kids are older, than navigate that. As you don't have your own children yet, you might feel different.

Yes, you’re not thinking this through, OP. You would be becoming a stepmother, sharing a household at least part of the time, potentially FT if circumstances changed, with a child or children who aren’t yours, who may be upset by the fact of you, and by you having a baby with their dad, and whose lives will involve frequent contact with your spouse/partner’s ex, the mother of his other children, and obviously potentially significant financial support of his existing children.

Even in the best of all possible situations, where relations between your partner and his ex are friendly and they co-parent well, and you get on well with the children, you will not have your household to yourselves, you will be parenting someone else’s children, you will be dealing with ambivalence, hormones, teenage temper tantrums etc, and just the admin and logistics of children who move between households, at the same time you are having children.

It’s not the kids it’s the mothers unfortunately. Some can make life very difficult for a new partner. For that reason I avoided men with children