To think my life wont ever get any better, no matter how hard i try and ill always be a failure

[Singleandtired]

I think i probably just need to rant or maybe im missing something somewhere and someone can point out where im going wrong because I feel like im getting nowhere despite really really trying

I had a pretty rough childhood, separated parents, one (RP) with a serious, and at the time undiagnosed, mental health condition, the other, extremely mentally and physically abusive throughout any sporadic contact. As a result I took on a lot of responsibility (and a far few beatings) for my younger sibling from a very young age. Somehow, despite the obvious signs, either no one from outside noticed or no one cared and so we just struggled on and obviously I didnt do very well at school. Ive done my best to put all of that behind me so its for context more than anything and these details arnt known by most people.
My mum didnt work for obviously reasons and so as soon as I finished school I started working full time and was able to support us all a bit better financially, further education was never really an option though as the financial situation at home was pretty awful.
At about 20 I got a job in recruitment, low salary but great commission and with a lot of hard work I was earning pretty well, put quite a bit into savings etc and started settling into adult life pretty well with my now ex.
I fell pregnant at 21, and had my wonderful daughter at 22. It was unplanned but we were fairly settled and she was wanted by both of us and ex also earned well.
My previous job and the work required really wouldnt fit with family life so we agreed I wouldnt return after maternity leave and he was happy and able to support us on his salary alone and I worked 1-2 evenings a week in the local pub for a bit of extra money
After about of year of doing this, ex became very controlling, didnt want me working anymore, constantly accusing me of cheating while I was at work, watching every penny I spent. I could see where the relationship was going and it wasnt a life I wanted for my daughter so I started secretly saving again (all my previous saving had gone on furnishing our house, baby necessities and my car expensive)
We split when DD was almost 4, he refused to move out so me and my daughter would have to, the atmosphere was so toxic.
I found us a flat, he wouldnt let me take anything but clothes so i used my savings for the deposit, furniture etc, applied for UC to help top up my part time wage. Ex wasnt happy to start with lots of threats and what not but I stayed reasonable for my daughters sake and eventually things settled down, he started paying maintenance and has always had regular contact, one night midweek and EOW and I continued to work at the pub those night.

Fast forward to now, im 33, DDs 10, hes recently married with a baby and we get on well enough. His career has progressed and hes a high earner. Ive continued to work part time to fit around our daughter as his responsibility is restricted to only his contact days.
I work 5 hours a day, 5 days a week, which allows me to do school runs, take DD to extra curricular, usual mum stuff but do overtime whenever possible. I work hard and its tough holding everything together and im constantly exhausted my job doesnt pay well and we live month to month, couldn't even afford a caravan holiday this year, im really struggling financially and I just dont know what more I can do. It feels like im going to be punished for the rest of my life for having minimal qualifications and a child when I was young. Im doing everything I can to try and make our lives better, to do everything right and its getting us nowhere. I constantly feel like a failure, like my daughter deserves more but I can barely afford food and utilities, let alone anything else
What more can I do? I just want our life to be better than hand to mouth

I have no relevant experience to share - but I think you have done amazingly well all things considered.

You are far from a failure. Are you claiming everything you’re allowed to? Is he paying correct maintenance?

How on earth could you possibly think you’re a failure. You have already achieved so much more than many other people.

your confidence and self esteem have obviously taken a battering (abusive relationships will do that!) but you are fantastic. The only way is up. I guess it is back to school for you.

How are you a failure? It sounds like you are doing very well except you are a bit low financially.

The reality OP is that as a single parent, opting to work PT IS going to restrict you. It your choice to do so. Many single parents work FT and still manage well. It is hard to move up the ladder with little qualifications working PT. It is not as impossible if you work FT and aspire to promotions.

You have to decide what is your priority, to be able to pick your daughter up from school so she doesn't have to attend out of school care but limiting your finances, or earning more and securing you financial future but with your daughter spending longer days at school.

Things can only get better from here. You were young and didn’t have good guidance. DD will soon be old enough for secondary and getting around by herself and you can look for better paid work.
There are very many worse off. You have your security and a child and live in a country that helps support you.
Are you OK with being single? You are still young but if you are going to try again with a relationship make sure you have strong boundaries and use all the lessons you’ve learned so far about life

Oh, goodness - you are not a failure!

You are giving your Dd the life that you did not have - love, security, and supporting her through school etc. Parenting is a serious job.

These are so much more important than material things.

Life will get much more flexible for you once your Dd grows older and takes herself to secondary and can manage for an hour or so alone after school.

Is there any way you can look at picking up your old career/ Look for admin or support work in the recruitment business and work your way back from there? Or do any refresher courses in aligned or transferable skills? You obviously have ability (another way in which you are absolutely not a failure!) . Have a search around and see if there are any charities or support organisations in your area that support women getting back into work / career after child care - ask at your Job Centre?

Meanwhile - look at what you HAVE achieved against all the odds and be proud.

Chin up OP you’ve battled through a lot.

If you want to get back into education it’s not too late - you could do A levels at evening classes from September.

Or could you target an apprenticeship? Not everything needs a degree these days.

You are not a failure. You are in a difficult spot right now but you took every challenge on the chin and provided safe space and roof over your heads for you and your child. In a few short years she will be getting herself to school independently and you will have many more opportunities to focus on your career.
For the time being (if time allows), you can focus on upskilling via online courses or evening classes. I would focus on remote job possibilities where possible so any courses geared towards bookkeeping/accountancy, coding, design etc. Or go completely off the beaten track and look into dog walking, pet sitting, cleaning business... Whatever excites you and is flexible enough to allow you to improve your financial prospects.
I have a small design business which, while not making me millions, is enough to offset a large chunk of my mortgage every year. And I run it completely from my sofa in the evenings with nothing more than an iPad.

The obvious thing you can do OP is work FT once your DD is in secondary school. If you're only working 25 hours pw (which is 62.5%), increasing your hours to 40 pw should result in a nice increase in salary. If you're able to get a new, better paid job at the same time, that will be even better. I would be ambitious at work too, if there is any scope for advancement.

You've done really well OP. You're self-supporting, caring for your DD, working - all of that makes you an impressive individual so don't do yourself down.

You are absolutely NOT a failure.

Despite a difficult childhood with no decent role models you got yourself a good job.

You had child and when it went wrong set yourself up all over again.

She’s nearly secondary school age.

You’ll be able to take a job with more hours again soon.

What do you want to do? You could enrol yourself in college or an online course or anything.

You are clearly the type of person who achieves well.

Are you getting the right maintenance?

I think you’re a bloody heroine OP. You should be incredibly proud of what you’ve achieved with absolutely no help from anyone. By no stretch of the imagination are you a failure.

I don’t have many specific suggestions: I do wonder if you could look to retrain but I realise its hard when you have work and caring responsibilities but maybe that’s a long term goal.

But whatever you do, don’t put yourself down.

Everything good in your life you have created. The bad things are due to the behaviour of others. You have not failed, you have been failed, and have shown extraordinary resilience and strength. I'm not sure what more you could be doing right now. It's tough times and your options are limited at present. But life is long, and you're young, and there will be opportunities along the way.

I know exactly how you feel OP. My ex and I broke up when I was pregnant with a planned baby because he was cheating on me. I was the high earner and I basically bank rolled him.
I had to move back to my parents house while I was on maternity leave, eventually I had to take a local job which paid far far less than my old career due to being a single parent.

He has gone on to soar in his career he now earns around £200k, he’s living the highlife with the OW, I feel like I have let my children down by my choices even though I did what I thought was best at the time.

I did go on to meet someone else and we are happy but we don’t have a lot of spare money. My job fits around the children although I do work full time I’m greatful for the time spent with them, I’m hoping I will be able to get a better paid job in the future although I will never end up on the same track I was

You sound like wonder woman, not a failure at all, not in any way, shape or form.

I'm sorry life has been so tough for you and it gets tiring always having to be so resilient. I hope you can catch a break soon, you really deserve it 💐

Honestly, I think all of you strangers just gave me exactly what I need so thank you, sometimes just saying something kind can make such a huge difference and youve all given me the boost I needed today to keep pushing through it, my daughters been with her dad this weekend and I do get quite down when shes not around (dont worry, max strength anti depressants taken every day 😂🙈)
I dont have much family support, for obvious reasons, and I dont generally share such intimate details with other people.
I have a reasonably good job but, of course, my progression has been held up by working part time. No amount of money would be able to buy me the relationship I have with my daughter though, all the wonderful moments ive been able to share with her, she is my one true love. She's never known real fear or hunger or responsibility, only love and joy and happy memories and thats the most important thing

You chose your kid. Better than any money or high career imo. You’ve done brilliant and you’re a great little family. Well done x

Keep pushing OP. Better things to come.

Good Lord my love, you’re the furthest thing ever from a failure…..be kind to yourself…..x

You are a strong woman.OP. no doubt about it, You have given your DD a very different childhood from what you had.

Don’t forget that as DD gets older you will be able to work more if you want to. You might not want to work later every day but both of mine were fine with being in the house after school before we got home from 12/13, 2 or 3 days a week.

You are the opposite of a failure @Singleandtired .

You came through a very difficult childhood and talk about your mother with understanding and compassion; instead of the usual (sometimes legitimate) blamey way.

You were supporting a family at a very tender age. Something no young person should have to do.

Instead of faltering, you overcame the hurdles of a poor education to get a job at a young age that earned well.

You did what my grandmother encouraged all to do - you ensured while working hard, that you built a rainy day fund. Something many women don't manage/think to do.

When your ex became abusive, you had the will and the means to leave. Again, something that is insurmountable for many of us - mentally, emotionally and financially.

You are providing a safe and stable home for your child. Something you were not afforded, but here you are, breaking that pattern.

I for one am immensely proud of you! You are an amazing woman, and when the time is right, there's every possibility you will make financial progress too. 💐

She'll be going into secondary school soon , would there be an opportunity to increase hours then? I think what you've achieved is incredible, the resilience and hard work you've shown to do what you've done having so many adverse childhood experiences is unbelievable.

I used to work in the probation service and they'd bite your hand off for the kind of lived experience you have and you could train on the job for an nvq and then a degree (they'd pay for), but you probably need to be a little more flexible than your current childcare needs allow, the trainee salary is around 25k but jumps to 32 on qualifying (27 months) and then the pay scale goes up to about 43/4k in practitioner roles but the current pay deal hasn't been agreed yet (much to the annoyance of my former colleagues). Recruitment for the PQuip trainee programme happens every six months.

Yabu

you have a narrow definition of success

and you have decades ahead of you where things will gradually become easier - easier for you to get a few more hours work to make all the difference between stress and comfortable

Bloody hell OP, you're a fucking warrior, not a failure. You've faught to improve yourself and make the best of what you have, and you're still wanting more and trying to be a better person. A failure would have given up at the first few hurdles and not bothered. I hope your DD is well proud of what an awesome strong and determined Mum she has. Don't look at what you don't have, or what you still need......but turn round and look back at how far you've come. You can be very proud of yourself.

You sound so strong and certainly not a failure. You have survived an awful upbringing. You’re a survivor.

I had similar thoughts when younger and did an access to higher education course. It boosted my self esteem and gave me qualifications needed to take the next step. Might be worth looking into.
it also helped me to help dc with their homework after missing a chunk of education!

Sounds like the only failure lies with your daughter’s father, who you say earns well so presumably could contribute to his daughter having a holiday with her mother. But don’t worry about that - if she’s loved she’ll be happy.