AIBU to want a cleaner when my husband says we do not need one?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

I like a clean house, not obsessively, but I do feel more relaxed when the basic jobs are done.

We are both early retirees and have just come back from a relaxing break which has made me realise how fed up I am with the boring stuff like vacuuming, bathrooms, floors and dusting.

We can afford a cleaner, but my DH is adamant we don’t need one as, “there’s only two of us” However, whilst he will “help” if he’s asked, he tends to do the barest minimum - vacuuming in one straight line through a room without moving any objects for example - or says it doesn’t need doing, when it clearly does. We also have a very lively dog who will inevitably creates some mess, plus two cats.

I had a lovely and locally recommended woman pop in the other day to give me a quote of £34 for two hours a week, which I think is very reasonable, but DH is still chuntering that it’s a waste of money, “as the house is clean anyway” whilst completely missing the point that it doesn’t just magically happen. I have my own income anyway which will fund the cleaning, but I am conscious it’s his home too, so I’d rather he was onboard and agreeable if possible.

Not quite sure how to word the AIBU poll, so feedback and thoughts would be great thanks!

The biggest issue for me is that he doesn't expect to clean but expects his wife to do so. However, that must have been so for the duration of the marriage. Mine would have been over long ago and it's so far lasted 37 years.

Winding back to the beginning DH was crystal clear he wouldn't be doing any housework, food shopping, ironing, etc. He was perfectly happy to pay someone else to do it, as I didn't expect to either and paid for a cleaner before we met.

I think if this was a man posting, and his wife didn’t want a cleaner in her home, regardless of whether the she was pulling her weight, the answers would be quite different.

Absolutely not. As in you fund it. That’s an outrageous suggestion. The op already does her half, it’s the selfish husbands half that needs paying for. If anything it should come out of his funds, as he’s the one who isn’t capable of doing his share.

Keeping on our cleaner was a non negotiable part of us moving in together. DH did eventually admit that life was better with ‘Treasure’ than without.

He was also very clear that if I had to choose between them, I would prioritise’Treasure’ every single time.

Nowadsys, I have the idea that the house just doesn’t ever need cleaning, until ‘Treasure’ takes a week off….

2 adults in a house I’m not understanding the need for hours and hours of cleaning
who does the garden and things like that

I suspect you have very high standards and he doesn’t
pulling furniture out is deep clean territory to me once in a blue moon a run round the middle is fine

I would bet she’d be doing the cleaning.

Perhaps, but not necessarily. My point stands.

Yep, that’s it.

if we were both still in full time work, I wouldn't even be considering his sensitivities I’m afraid, but because we’re both recent retirees, there the old guilt trip about having more time on your hands for this sort of stuff. But life IS too short to be flicking dusters and scrubbing toilets.

I want to be able to sit down and read a book or go out for the day or play sport without thinking about the jobs I need to do when I get back.

I think a cleaner might make me a nicer person too as it’s the one bone of contention between us and I do get resentful at doing this stuff whilst I’m being told that keeping the house in good order isn’t that important.

I would go for it! He doesn’t have a casting vote!

We could afford a cleaner, we can't justify it when we are both at home though so we do it ourselves.
I guess things could change one day though.

It really doesn’t!

Hats off to your H for chutzpah.

Of course he's happy the way things are. He sits on his untroubled arse day in and day out oblivious to the fact that you work to keep the home clean.

Of course you should get the cleaner. Tell him very sweetly that he will be paying half from his income as "the cleaner will be doing your half of the housework too, darling".

See if he objects based on the fact that he doesn't do any housework, or if he nods sagely and agrees it will be a huge load off his back.

I would sit him down and say exactly what you do for cleaning , ie move furniture, dust, bathrooms etc stuffs not some magic fairy, it’s you and has been all your married life

I would tell him you shouldn’t have to ask him to do it, he should know what needs doing and be prepared to muck in and it’s not and never has and it’s unlikely going to change now. He does no cleaning, you should have to do cleaning to make it fair. So you are paying for a cleaner, his half will be £xx unless he would like to do his half of the cleaning properly and you will give him a list of what he can do and when

You need to have a refocus my mum used to spend hours cleaning everyday 70% of it was ineffective because it was unnecessary

That is a reasonable price for the cleaner. I would ask him to pay half and not bat an eyelid. It is worth every penny and you get more quality time, less resentment.

Why not? A man would be told he was unreasonable and controlling for imposing upon his wife something she didn’t want, even if she did nothing around the house. I guarantee it.

Goodness me, when I was growing up we always had someone to clean. At one time she came 3 times a week. Was a trusted person.
Should add that my mother grew up in a household that had a cook, laundrywoman and daily maid. I am not very old, 68 next birthday..
I have always had cleaners.
Unless your husband is prepared to put in 4 hours each weekend, which mine was initially, get someone in.
It was a godsend, when I was working away.
I do clean,when home, but not to hospital standards, which I believe are really low these days ;-)
Also define what is clean!

It doesn’t; your point adds no value whatsoever, she has said her husband doesn’t pull his weight; if you had said you bet a woman not pulling her weight would get different replies it would be a more related point, but it would be ripped apart because I have no doubt that a woman not pulling her weight would be told the exact same thing as this husband. Do it, or pay for it.

Of course he doesn't need a cleaner, he has a cleaner: you! To him, it all just does itself. Get the cleaner and ignore the muttering.
If he wanted to clean instead of you getting a cleaner, he would. He doesn't.

YANBU if he isn’t helping you to do it properly and you can afford to outsource it.

Your time and retirement together are precious- surely if having a cleaner is affordable and prevents conflict between the two of you, then that’s a positive change that will free up more time for you both to spend enjoying each other’s company and pursuing your hobbies, travel, whatever you’d like to spend your time doing.

Good luck!

I want to know where you live… and really hope it’s near me! We had to let our cleaner go because of the cost - £22 per hour!!

If we could get one for 17ph I’d employ them immediately. Get the cleaner!!

it's not hours and hours of cleaning nor high standards. it's about prioritising my time on other things I enjoy and relaxing in my home. only 2 people in this house plus dogs and my cleaner is the best money I spend. she comes every 2 weeks ( wish could afford every week ) and the evening after she has been is bliss is this house.

Just to clarify, I’m not cleaning fanatically every day, apart from wiping down the kitchen work surfaces last thing at night and the usual dishwasher duty.

What I want is someone else to do the weekly tedious stuff that most homes need - even if there is only two adults - and to know it’s being done thoroughly once every seven days, therefore I don’t need to even think about it.

Your thinking on this is completely the wrong way round.

it is HIM that needs the cleaner, not you.

if he did his fair share without being told, and thus you only had half to do, you might not be so fed up of it.

when I started living with my last boyfriend, he also didn’t like cleaning, I don’t mind it. So I did my half. And he paid for his half via a weekly cleaner.

This is absolutely what I’m after - thank you for verbalising it exactly!