Had enough of helping people around me

[Habesha91]

I've been living in the UK for the last 19 years, got myself to college, got decent qualifications and managed to get good job at a university. I worked hard for myself starting at the lowest pay grade doing shitty job others wouldn't do, without complaining and managed my way up to a good pay scale.

I've been always living at home but supporting my mum with bills and rent equally. I feel ashamed to admit this but I wasn't responsible with my finances, I used to spend my money on rubbish stuff and never managed to save anything. Fast forward, I found myself getting into loans and then that became hard as I was living paycheck to paycheck . Then since we are immigrants, we had to pay for our settlement process which was about 10 years ago. My brother in law was kind enough to lend us the money(8k)and we made an agreement for me to pay him every month. No one was paying but me and that includes the fee for myself, mum and brother.

My mum didn't pay as she was on low paid job and my brother was a high school student and didn't have a job. Fast forward now, I'm married with a baby on the way and I've got my own life and stress to deal with. Unfortunately, my mums and brother's situation still remains the same. Even though my mum gets paid better now, she mostly spends it on my brother as he doesn't have a job and she fully financially support him. Which means, I had to step and still help her even though I don't live in the house. For example, I give her half of their rent money since I got married and moved out from the house and lend her money every now and then.

My mum's situation is not any better because she can't even afford some basics stuff sometimes as she's got some credit cards to pay off, then some outstanding bills here and there...it's just sad.

I've just come to realization that since working from 19 years ago, I don't have much savings left for myself or anything to show off because I was either helping people out or paying off some loans.

At the moment, I've come to decision that I won't be helping anyone financially and that I will start saving more money into my retirement, emergency fund and also for my child too. We also support our dad back home financially ,which me, mum and sister together pay for his rent. We are supporting him as he's sick and can't work as normal.

I feel like it's getting too much and I'm just spread out to help everyone but I'm sure no one would be able to save me in the future if I got stuck. I also just sent another aunt back home some money as she's struggling too. Do you help family members? Am I being reasonable for being fed up with this situation?

Why do I feel like I'm always there to help out and people come to me? Whereas no one bothers my sisters and she doesn't pay to help my mum too

Ear all, see all, say nowt;
Eat all, sup all, pay nowt;
And if ivver tha does owt fer nowt - allus do it fer thissen.

It sounds like you are picking up a lot of slack for a lot of people, which does not seem fair. UK traditionally expects money to flow down from parents to children, where many other cultures seem to expect it to flow from children to parents.

But that doesn’t account for why your sister contributes less and your brother doesn’t contribute at all. That seems to be unfair.

It seems perfectly reasonable to calculate both what you have already done and what you can or can’t afford to do going forward. Nobody can really expect you to neglect your baby, and also your siblings need to realise how heavily this weighs on you, and at least take their share.

Brother needs to work.

As an immigrant myself, I've met many people over the years who have families still living in their country of origin and expecting to be financed by the person who lives "in the land of plenty". Luckily, my family have never expected me to contribute to their lives in 20+ years I've lived in the UK.
My aunt also struggles after a difficult financial year but that is her life and she wouldn't dream of asking me to pay her upkeep. I usually treat her to a nice holiday every couple of years and leave it at that. You just can't have people relying on you instead of sorting their own lives out. Does your dad not receive state support? Is your brother looking for work? Where is your mum spending her money if she can't manage basics with her salary? You are enabling their lifestyle. You should stop and let them get on with it.