To wonder if it’s ok to choose not to be involved?

[LittleWhiteRabbits]

I’ve just seen an article about Katie Price saying that Dwight has seen Harvey six times in 24 years.

There are lots of comments saying that if a parent doesn’t want to be involved, that’s their choice and you can’t force someone to have a relationship with their child (and some not so kind comments.) but the general consensus was he was right to step away as he didn’t want to be a father to him.

It got me wondering what people actually think about this.

I’m not talking about maintenance or financial support, he has paid/does pay maintenance, and that isn’t what I’m asking about.

I mean choosing not to have any involvement in your child’s life, when there’s no safeguarding issue or anything preventing contact.

Is it reasonable to say that if someone doesn’t want to be involved, they shouldn’t be forced to be?

Or does becoming a parent create a responsibility to have some level of involvement with your child, even if you don’t particularly want to?

I genuinely don’t know where I stand on this, so I’m interested in hearing different perspectives. He has another child who he does see and did bring up but I don’t think that adult child has contact with Harvey either but I could be wrong.

of course someone who doesn’t want to see their child shouldn’t be forced to! How damaging would that be for the child, “i don’t wanna be here but im forced to” ?!

Of course it does. If you are a parent and a decent person then you should want to see your child and have some involvement in their life, at the very least.

But that makes them a shitty parent and human being

I don't think it's commendable in any way to not be involved with your child but I do suspect it's at least better for the child than blowing hot and cold with contact.

Ideally no one should have a child if they don't want to, so a couple should agree before having sex whether they want kids or not (obviously it is the woman's choice if she would choose to keep a child or not, but ideally people would talk about what they'd do if contraception failed-so a man who doesn't want to be a dad shouldn't sleep with a woman who wouldn't choose either abortion or adoption, as no contraception is 100%).
But no everyone does, and you do get some selfish people who choose to have a child, then don't look after them. But just as most of us would agree you shouldn't force a woman to bring a child into the world, most people wouldn't want a child forced to spend time with a man who said he didn't want kids.

It depends. Ideally, they should be involved. But I know of some men who know that involvement could lead to all sorts of problems for them and new partners and children because of the mother. I suspect this might have been the case with Dwight York.

No I think you step up when you have a child. 6 times is shoddy and disgusting. Where is his integrity

I think everyone should have a legal financial obligation towards their children, but not that they should be forced to have a relationship with them.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't judge them for walking away though. I just don't think forcing a relationship is in the child's best interests, and I guess people have the right to choose to be a horrible person 🤷‍♀️

If that's a genuine concern they shouldn't have any more children. Your existing child should always come before your desire to have a new family.

They SHOULD be involved, no reason or excuse not to be .
You can't force them.

It's not ok, but there's nothing anyone can do.

So if neither want the child then it goes into care. Too many times the man walks away and it’s the woman who deals with it, now without the emotional and physical support of a partner/father. I know some women walk away too. I hope he pays towards his son’s needs.

For me, and the way the courts see it, it’s about what is best for the child. It is never going to be in the child’s best interest to force an adult who doesn’t want to be a parent, to be a parent.

I think you’re an arsehole if you decide to have children and then don’t bother with them, absolutely, but I don’t for a second think the solution to that if forcing an adult who has no desire to be a parent, to be involved in a child’s life.

Of course a person cannot be forced into a relationship with another - even their child, parent or any family member.

You may have moral judgement on a parent walking away emotionally but they are obliged legally to support them financially and that's all.

It would be at best disastrous and probably utterly impossible to enforce beneficial contact.

I agree, but sometimes these children were conceived for money. I know of course that men should take the precautions but they don’t. I know of one whose conception was described as being ‘unusual’ by a judge. This footballer already had 3 children with his wife. They offered to see the new child but due to the demands of the mother this couldn’t happen. I feel really, really sorry for the children but I don’t think their existence should stop men having wanted children with new partners.

They should want to be involved.
They should not be forced to be involved.
XH pays cms + £48 for Taekwondo a month. (I would pay if he didn't).
We were away for 11 days. He's not working atm due to illness. He chose to go away for the weekend yesterday so it will be at least 4 weeks. I will drive her to visit when we do as not currently driving either (when it suits!)

Thanks all for your comments but it’s not about being forced by anyone or a judge, it’s whether you as a person should step up because you are the parent. He obviously did want children as he went on the have another one who he has been involved with.

Don’t we read about deadbeat parents (okay dads!) all the time on MN? Plenty of women here holding the fort, while he fucks off…

Of course every parent should WANT to see their child. But if they don’t, it’s more damaging to see them out of some sense of duty. Let the child be surrounded by people who are there out of love and because they want to be there.

Shame on any parent who could abandon their child, but honestly those children are likely better off without the toxic influence of someone who could ever do that to their children

I do think it is best for the child if a parent is that shitty/selfish/lazy not to have them in their life.

He would not bring anything positive in Harvey's life.

People in the UK were quite happy to have a Prime Minister who has no involvement in one of his children. I didn't think this behaviour was ok, but many people seemed to think it was or turn a blind eye.

We need better laws to ensure people are financially responsible and parents can’t use parental alienation (this is getting better )

Bit no, you cannot and should not force a parent to be involved physically do they choose not to.

Some woman walk away and I do r think anyone would say the same about a woman being forced into contact.

Oh you’d be surprised, I think women that walk away are judged harsher than men. But at the same time women can have an abortion if they don’t want to be a parent.

I’ll never ever understand it. How can you have kids out there just living their lives and just…not want to know?

I think it depends on the circumstances. If a couple mutually decide to have a child then it's unfathomable that a human being could walk from their own flesh and blood.

However if an accident happens, I think it's unfair that the woman has the choice but the man doesn't. If a woman doesn't want the child, she has a termination. She has complete control. Whereas if the man categorically states that he doesn't want it, the woman can take that decision out of his hands and go ahead anyway. He has zero control. In that situation, I don't believe a man should have any contact if he doesn't want it and he shouldn't have to pay maintenance either. It is morally wrong that one human being can bring a child into the world against another human's wishes. And yes, I know you can argue he should have been more careful but so should thousands of women but yet we give them an option to back out.

Forced presence is more damaging than absence in my opinion. You can only force a bad parent to pay for things - unlike presence, money is just as good if given begrudgingly.