AIBU to stop inviting my daughter's friend because of concerns at home?

[Goditsmemargaret]

This is about my Dd's bestie. TLDR aibu to stop inviting her places and roll back on the friendship due to strange home atmosphere even though my dd and her are mad about each other?

This is probably fairly boring to most people but I'm hoping someone will have some insight who went through similar.

DD is turning 8. Instead of the usual big party she wants to go to a local adventure attraction place with just three friends. I couldn't afford to take a bigger group anyway as it's 50 each then we are coming home to ours for some planned activities and a cake. I need to book now as it's likely to sell out.

The three friends are BFF Emma plus other close friends of my dad Barbara and Millie (all names are fake). Emma is crazy about my DD (it's mutual) and loves coming to ours for playdates and for days out. I've heard some worrying stuff though from the other girls, she tries to turn them against my dd or can be mean to my DD. It's only when there's a playdate organised with one of the other girls - it's obvious she wants my dd all to herself but I encourage my dd to have multiple friendships.

To me this is part of navigating friendships, jealousies, group dynamics etc. I speak to my DD about it.

However I have increasing concerns about Emma's home life. The playdates and - often expensive - days out have never been reciprocated despite me getting on very well with the mum. We live in a beautiful area and do very cheap days out too with picnics or just playgrounds in the parks. I decided ages ago to not expect it to be reciprocal and that's ok. Millie's parents are always reciprocal, we have become friends with the parents over time and would be happy for dd to go for sleepovers at some stage. I wouldn't even want DD in Emma's house for a daytime playdate now. Barbara has a very busy house and I wouldn't expect a return invitation but the mum always gives me a prompt reply.

In the past Emma's mum has accepted invitations, I've paid for tickets and then when I've messaged to arrange pickup cancelled last minutes with just a whoops sorry I forgot, we are away overnight now.

Another time I took all the girls to an expensive show then dropped them home. I was at the front door with Emma which opened a crack, the mum pulled her inside and didn't speak to me at all. It gives me chills to think about it. Emma had been very withdrawn all day. I wondered was the mum hiding as she had bruises on her. As I said we get on well and she's often been in my house for coffees and chats.

I feel really sad about Emma as I know from what she tells me that there are stresses at home and she loves being with us. Truthfully I was that child that other families invited out with them and took an active interest in. All my happy childhood memories are with other families. I don't know if this is affecting my perspective.

Now I'm getting to the aibu part finally - apologies I took so long.

My dd keeps asking if there's a reply yet from Emma for her birthday. She really wants her to be there. I've bought the other tickets and they are due to sell out. I've asked twice and the mum has sent back oh gosh sorry I haven't given a definite answer but I will let you know today. I'm getting quite pissed off about it now. We are tight on money at the moment so I definitely won't be buying a spare ticket. I've been left out of pocket before. There isn't really a replacement person either to invite last minute.

Her birthday is in two days, we have been planning for about a month so the families got loads of notice.

Yabu - leave the invitation open until the last minute and hope there are still tickets
Yanbu - talk to your dd now, explain Emma won't be coming. Even if the mum accepts say it's too late, no tickets left.

Found out if will def sell out and leave decision until the day

Difficult one but because money is so tight as you say and you can’t risk losing £50 for a no show. I would call Emma’s mum rather than text. Explain that since it’s in 2 days and tickets are limited, this is the final chance to secure her a ticket so can she confirm. It’s harder for her to dodge over the phone. If she doesn’t confirm, you’ll have to let your DD down.

Poor Emma.

DD did have a friend with a chaotic home life and I did what you're doing for the most part i.e accepted it was going to be one sided on the effort front.

If you can't afford uncertainty then you have to make certain yourself by saying she can't come and telling the parents and DD so. I would buy the ticket if you can though because this isn't Emma's fault.

I would messaged Emma's mum stating if you don't get a 'yes' today then Emma will not be able to attend the day out as they will be no tickets left

Tricky !!!
I would do whatever felt right and wasn’t punishing Emma for her family’s crap behaviour
only you can decide if you can afford to risk buying Emma a ticket -
you said you’ve been that kid, so do what you can but be aware of where your limits are

You lost me at some point there.
DD likes Emma a lot
Emma has a difficult home life and can be mean, but generally ok
You've invited Emma to a party but no RSVP yet. Her mum has form for letting you down

If that's all correct then thing to do is message the mum again with a clear deadline and stick to it. If she doesn't reply by said date (make it realistic and workable for you) buy the tickets for the other girls.

Don't get overwhelmed by the ins and outs of your daughters friendships. There will be more of this to come and generally it's best to let the kids sort things for themselves

I wouldn't buy Emma a ticket. Explain to your dd that Emma's family can't commit to the date and you can't afford to buy a ticket if you don't know for sure she'll turn up. I think that's fair and reasonable and not judgemental at all.

I wouldn't chase the mum again. I would just leave it.

In fact I think I would message the parent now saying you're now assuming Emma isn't coming and you're telling your DD so and tickets have sold out. Give it till the end of the day before you tell DD because you may get a whingy message about how she wanted to go and then you can pivot and buy Emma's ticket if necessary. It's annoying for you but you're doing this for your DD (not Emma's mum).

I’d make the decision now, and say she’s not coming. Take DD with her other friends. At least now Emma won’t be there trying to keep her to herself.
My son has a friend like this, friends since nursery except my son has a load of friends but this other friend seems to be obsessed with my son. Will only do things if my son is there, and doesn’t like him playing with others if they are in a group. (They are all 7). He will try and lead him away as well, just so it’s the two of them on their own. For this reason we are trying to phase out this friendship over the summer holidays. This boy too is from a not very nice background, although he now lives with another family member and now has a very lovely life.
But you can’t wait forever, and waste £50 so make the decision and if she messages it’s too late, it’s all sorted

I feel if you give a deadline then you will get a yes to say she is coming but will likely cancel anyway if there is form for this. Perhaps best to wait it out or just invite Emma to the cake etc after? That way you won't be out of pocket and the girls can spend some time together on the day. I think I would be saying "it's unfortunate but there aren't any tickets left"...

Thanks everyone who shared their views so far. I unfortunately feel even more confused now as the votes are split and the replies are all conflicting. 😂

Truly though thank you as I'm aware it's not the most interesting post to wade through.

I'll leave it up and hope the vote gets more traction.

Sorry … am I reading this right? Suspected DV on the friends mum who is clearly not ok and kid’s friends’ birthdays aren’t top and forefront of her mind… and we’re all, on a woman’s forum, piling in on her?! How about suggesting patience care and support?! How about not stressing wildly over it and when she confirms you book the ticket, if you still can? If no you tell her sorry they’re sold out butno worries and hope everything’s ok?! Maybe even Invite her overfor a coffee with her kid sometime maybe? 🤷‍♀️

I agree. She has accepted before then cancelled. I've been annoyed on principle but bit my tongue. I also wondered why she was last minute away overnight without her husband and didn't want to add to her stress.

You sound like a lovely mum who is trying to do the right thing. I think you should tell DD that Emma can't come. Then if her mum says yes and there are still tickets available you could add her.

If you are worried about DV could you call 101 with your concerns?

Christ almighty, talk about a leap. I've invited the mum over LOADS.of times and she's been in my house plenty. They've both been for dinner and come every Halloween. I've only been inside theirs once and that was when the husband was away for two weeks.

I've done everything I can to show the mum if like to be friends, I can't barge into the house and demand to know what's going on.

Maybe she wasn’t away overnight and this was an excuse because they couldn’t go out. Have you discreetly reported your concerns to school?

Tell DD that Emma can’t come. That doesn’t stop you getting a ticket if they confirm and are still available. I wouldn’t chase though.

Do you have safeguarding concerns?

Send mum a link to the tickets. Tell her it's going to sell out so it might be best if she bought the ticket and you'll reimburse her once it's over when the bairns come along. That way if she flakes, you're not out of pocket.

Oh so you get it! How did things pan out - did the girls stay friends into their teens.

I would say that you are buying tickets today at 2pm. You need to know by then that she is coming or you won’t buy her a ticket. The girls would really love for her to come, so please let you know.

I wouldn’t overthink the rest of it. I don’t often reciprocate play dates. It’s because we’re busy. Dh works from home and I can’t have screaming kids running around during a work day. My eldest has an after school job and trains and competes at the national level in a sport. I spend a lot of my out of school hours being a taxi driver to job and training and my 8 year old has to come along. I also have cancer (which you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking at me). I spend a lot of time at the hospital or resting after treatment when I’m not taxiing. It’s not because home life is bad that we don’t have many play dates, it’s because we’re busy have such a full life.

Sonetimes I barely open the door when people come to drop off. It’s not because I’m hiding bruises. It’s usually to keep the dog from escaping. Sometimes I’m half dressed because people have turned up at an awkward time. It sounds a bit like you are catastrophisising it all.

As for the invite, you need to be firm. Give a deadline. Say you absolutely will not buy her a ticket. Say you will ring at 2pm if no response and then call her. If no luck, don’t buy the ticket. Unfortunate, but that’s life.

But keep the door open to play dates. Likely the relationship will fizzle out towards end of primary anyway. My dd had a friend like this, very bestie clingy sort of friend, could be awful to others, problematic home life. They are in secondary now and not friends anymore. The friend has gone off with the girls who are into boys and drinking and vaping in the park. Dd now has a new set of very lovely sporty friends who are not drinking or vaping in the park. They find their people, but it sounds like it would be nice to facilitate the friendship for now.

The front door incident really freaked me out. Their house opens directly onto the pavement. I pulled the car up and then the girl seemed to just appear all dressed up for the show. She was so so sad and withdrawn. After about half an hour she cheered up but when we were dropping her home she became agitated again. I got out of the car and she was very vocal the other two girls were not coming in to see the Christmas decorations or the puppy. Then the door opened and she was pulled inside.

Yes I was very very concerned. Perhaps I should have reported something to someone then.

I haven't seen anything like that since apart from general flakiness.

I would send a final text and just say you’ve spoken to the the venue and tickets are final release/very close sold out so you’ll be purchasing them at 2pm today. If she doesn’t have an answer yet you’ll assume she isn’t coming as you won’t be able to source a ticket for her after that.

Yeah you see this is bang on - I could totally be making something out of nothing. My home life was crap and other parents were so kind to me. It has coloured my view like all of us are coloured by our own life experiences.

No, they lost touch when they went to different secondary schools. In some ways I was glad about that because she did make DD's life complicated a lot, but I think about her and her mum often and hope they are all right.

FYI every time something happened that made me feel weird like the doorstep thing you describe I had a word with the safeguarding lead at school. She never said anything about it but kind of collected the info with a nod. I felt like I'd done what I could to build a picture for anyone looking if it became relevant without making a big horrible and disruptive fuss about it.

I would keep the invite open till the last minute but that’s because I would have someone to fill it last minute (my kids have a lot of cousins so I’d just abduct one of them for a day out). I also wouldn’t stop a friendship like this because I would be concerned and want to keep and eye on the kid. However, if I did catch her being mean to my DD or anything like that I’d tell her off. I have no issue telling off other people’s kids though, so you need to decide if you’re willing to actually tell her off if she is being mean.