DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

[Plastictreesofgold]

I'm feeling a bit unsettled about DHs behaviour so looking for people's perspectives.
For background Me and DH are in our 40s married 10 years with one DD who is 6. I would say since having DD the relationship has become strained, very little intimacy and in general he just seems withdrawn and unhappy. Ive raised concerns asked for us to attend couples counselling he has refused. My main issue is that he will often go silent fully ignore me if I say something to me or give one word or grunts as answers.

My DH suspects he is autistic I agree it seems likely though he has severe childhood trauma too so that could be a factor, he blames his behaviour (silent treatment) on the autism but he's never moved forward with diagnosis. He drinks a bottle of wine at least 5 nights a week he says its because of the stress of masking.

On Friday we had a playdate with my childs friend and her mum who I've become good friends with we hadn't seen each in ages she brought a bottle of wine and we had the nicest catch up. I rarely get to see my friends and had a tough week work wise so it was nice to laugh and connect with someone. My husband would also be friendly with this woman but immediately when she arrived he said he was going upstairs and didn't sit down at all (he finds social interactions draining so assume he was happier watching TV upstairs) he came down twice over the 3.5hrs once to ask me if the dog was fed. I joked " we got carried away sorry no, not a child in the house washed or fed" and the second time he came back from walking the dog I was in the middle of telling my friend a story about something we had been discussing when she first arrived and when he came in I said "I promise we've chatted about other things too haha" he was otherwise silent when he came into the room.
When my friend left I could tell the energy with DH was off he went to bed without saying goodnight (he wasworking early sat morning,) and when I text him the next morning to say my DD ended up vomiting during the night he didn't respond.
When he got home he told me that I was obnoxious and treated him like a "c@#t' in front of my friend and that I "always do it," when questioned about what I said he said it was my tone. He was really angry but said he wouldn't discuss it further and announced he was going for a nap.
I'm baffled, because I thought my awkward jokey responses when he came in were fine..... certainly not meant to upset him and I'm still confused as to why they upset him.

I feel so unsettled and weird now because i feel like when me and my DD were downstairs having fun with our friends he was sitting upstairs silently seething at me over something I had no idea about. Its made me not want to have anyone over while he's here and honestly I'm starting to think there's no saving this marriage now but the thoughts of having to share custody and not live with my daughter all the time terrifies me.

he's making me feel like I'm unreasonable and a terrible wife for not buying him alcohol

You're not a terrible wife, he's a terrible husband. He gives you the silent treatment, objects when your attention is on anyone but him, gets angry and calls you obnoxious, but somehow you've managed to convince yourself that you were to blame for his reaction to what you said at the play date. Either he's done a number on you or you've done it to yourself.

He's an adult. You are not responsible for him however much he tries to make out that you are. He played on his anxiety to get you to buy his alcohol and he's still trying it on.

Please take a step back and see this relationship for what it is. Him expecting you to jump to his wishes and you doing it. Or not doing it but feeling guilty.

You are separate from him, you have a right to be yourself, not his fixer and enabler and it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad wife.

He announced he was going for a shower and then going out in town and wouldnt be back until tomorrow because he's sick of me "punishing" him.
When he came out of the shower he just ate his food and is sitting down he's not dressed to go out so seems like it was just a threat.
It is becoming very sad.
I'm going to have to leave him aren't I?

If he really is an alcoholic, then you can’t genuinely be expecting him to just quit cold turkey and not find it difficult? Whether you are willing to stick by him whilst he goes through withdrawal and probably relapses is entirely up to you, but obviously he won’t just be happy as Larry the first week. Especially if it’s not his decision to quit. No one will think less of you if you decide this is something he needs to sort by himself but it you are sticking around you need to be prepared for the reality and decide how much support you are willing and able to give.

Wise words from @QuizNight. It's a Friday night a week in and he is blaming you for his lack of alcohol.

You can still choose to leave at any point. You don't need to wait for a particular incident, a lot had already happened and you are already carrying a heavy burden day to day.

I dont expect him to quit cold turkey it's more the fact that he is angry at me for not getting it for him that's annoying me.
Like go buy it yourself if you are so determined to drink why involve me in it when I've repeatedly said I'm not buying it anymore. If he went and bought it himself i wouldn't have said a word but he wants me to "okay," it buy being the one who buys it.

In the end he didn't drink at all last night he was a bit sulky but I can live with that. I'm happy he didn't drink. I think he's starting to understand I am not backing down this time.

He's been trying to bargain a bit with me asking will I at least agree to buy one bottle a week with the weekly shop.... would that be a bad idea? I feel like it's not a good idea as its a slippery slope but maybe it's more reasonable to reduce his amount at first.i don't know. I feel very in over my head.

This is all backwards op. What is currently controlling his drinking is not his desire to be present for his family but his means to accessing the alcohol. He doesn’t seem to have expressed any particular desire to address the drinking, and anyway this isn’t your only problem with him. It seems like you are hoping to reach some level of things being more bearable at least. But the concern is that without much more active willingness to change on his part, it isn’t going to happen.

If I were you I would go see a solicitor for advice. I’m sorry you are in this situation but it sounds as if you are beginning to take back some control of your own.

He's been trying to bargain a bit with me asking will I at least agree to buy one bottle a week with the weekly shop.... would that be a bad idea?

This is just so controlling - WHY is he making you feel that you should buy him stuff? Dont you see how he is controlling you by doing this?

He is a grown-assed man, not a 13 year old hanging out by the offy getting someone to buy him a bottle. Like the "calories dont count if the cookies are homebaked" joke - if YOU buy it, he isnt then responsible for his alcohol intake

Tell him to grow the hell up and not keep blathering on about it to you. He wants it, he buys it.

He is pushing you into the role of "parent" and casting you as the gatekeeper to his alcohol. This doesn't sound like a relationship dynamic I would be encouraging. And long term it won't work - you holding the car keys is not enough for you to be able to fix this for him.

He needs professional help with this. GP, AA? If he won't take it, then what does that tell you?

Separation/divorce is far from easy, but so is day to day living with this man.

Ask him why he is unable to buy alcohol himself and don't buy it for him stand up for yourself

Whatever you do, don't go back on your decision to cease buying it.

He needs professional help. There will be a drug and alcohol service for the area you live in. This will show you what's available once you enter your location: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/find-alcohol-addiction-support-services/

If he refuses to take the initiative and engage with recovery services then unfortunately there is nothing you can do other than end the relationship. Addicts need to be ready to take that step in openly admitting they have a problem, seek help and engage as it has to come from them. They have to be ready.

But how did you and he date and marry, if he can’t even interact with a shop assistant?

And he must have to interact with people when he goes out of the house. If not colleagues (how does he know what work to do?) then cafeteria, petrol station, etc.

I think you continue to not buy it. He’s got no self awareness at the moment, and needs to realise how his relationship with alcohol works. And indeed with you.

But I would be planning the end of this relationship anyway.

He's definitely got worse over the years mainly enabled by me doing everything for him. He was always a bit socially anxious but much worse post covid

He does interact with ppl when he has to but if he can get me to do it he will do that instead.

He sounds a lot like my STBXH. He used to give me the silent treatment which meant I was always walking on eggshells and ended up not doing things I wanted to do to avoid setting him off.

Its a miserable way to live and kills any love you have for them.

The abusive language is another issue though, that is completely unacceptable.

We're still living in the same house ehile divorcing and its horribly stressful but its also the happiest I've felt in years.

It may be the way you’re describing him OP, but it doesn’t sound like he likes you very much?

No, if you don't buy any alcohol it's simple and everyone knows where they stand.
If you start setting rules about when/ how much you'll buy, then you're opening a negotiation and there will be moaning and wheedling and sulks.

You were right, last week I fucked up and agreed to buy one bottle a week with the weekly shop and it was just a disaster. I bought one Thursday which he drank Thursday night. He didn't drink Friday sat or Sunday but on Monday he went himself and bought 2 bottles of wine. He drank bottle and half on Monday then bought another bottle Tuesday and drank that plus the leftovers of the 2nd bottle. Then on Wednesday became annoyed because I wouldn't buy him another bottle wed evening. So 4 bottles of wine came into the house this week instead of 1. I told him that i won't buy any from now on.

Your DH obviously has a drink problem. But it's not yours to solve. However, you might find some help in how you deal with him from other people in a similar familial situation. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/