I am my friend's only friend

[VictorianRose87]

Has anyone else had this experience before, when you are the only friend of your friend?

My dear friend is struggling with loneliness. She has lost all of her friends (except me) since having her second child. She is a stay at home mum to two young children with disabilities, which takes up a lot of her time, so I do suspect that she might not have maintained her other friendships due to this, but I can't be sure.

She's expressed to me how lonely she is and how sad she is that she doesn't have a group of friends. I've invited her out with my friends before but she doesn't come. I try to encourage her to join baby groups to meet mum friends, but she doesn't like them. She's tried Bumble BFF but won't give people a chance. She hasn't worked for a few years now so she can't meet people that way either.

I'm finding it wearing down on me as she now relies on me for constant companionship, which I can't provide. I can only meet up with her every 3-4 weeks or so due to my own busy life. I have work, family, other friends, sports club, hobbies, as well as the usual day to day life.

I've tried to be more available and invite her round in the evenings, but she always says it's too late for her. I've invited her to do activities at the weekend (sometimes child friendly, sometimes not) but she never wants to do anything other than sit in a cafe for an hour.

She also messages me non stop. It won't just be a quick back and forth. It's reels, memes, tagging me on fb, tiktoks. If I haven't opened WhatsApp there will be a message on instagram too. I don't use sociable media very much and I try to keep off my phone as much as I can, so this is a lot for me, my phone is always blowing up.
I know this must stem from her loneliness but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep up with. It's not the sort of communication that I want, or have with any other friends. It feels like a lot of pressure on me because I know she doesn't have anyone else. She's a very lovely woman and the last thing I would want to do is hurt her feelings. There's just only so much support I can give.

Any tips on how to handle this sort of situation? Posting in AIBU as I feel as though I could be in the wrong for feeling like this. Thank you.

Are there any parent support organisations linked to the disabilities of her children near to her that do events (talks about the disability, coffee and chat type stuff). That would get her out and socialing, she does not have to become buddies with people.

I think you may have to be less available to her. Perhaps say you have alot on and will meet on xxxx, you'll phone at xxxx. And ignore most of memes etc....
You will start begrudging her of this continues.

This all sounds smothering and she sounds like her own worst enemy. I have little sympathy for people who moan about being lonely but don’t take the opportunities that arise to do something about it.

The constant messaging is why her other friends have probably drifted away. As you say, there’s only so much support you can give.

You’ve been a good friend to her, inviting her out in the evening, with your friends, supporting her etc, so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

However, it’s time to put in boundaries and to start distancing yourself. Message and say that you don’t have time read her constant messages and memes, and will be only responding once or twice a week, at most. If she gets upset , then point her in the direction of local children clubs, , disabled children charities that she can contact .

I know you don’t want to let her down, but her loneliness is her own doing, and she doesn’t seem to want to help herself (by socialising etc). It’s not up to you to fill this gap.

Well done you for being a friend I really feel for her. She must be so lonely.
Can you please research SEN groups in your area so that she can go along.

She will meet a new group of like minded people who can offer her support/friendship.

X

It sounds as if you're doing a lot for her, trying to involve her. She just might not have the time or the energy to do activities with you, but that's not your fault. It's understandable that she can't come round in the evening
But her not being prepared to make an effort with eg the baby groups ends up with you being expected to be there for her instead, which is hardly fair. She's a grown adult and is responsible for her own friendship group (or lack of). The constant sending of memes etc would drive nuts. I'd ignore them, and maybe try to see her a couple of times a month if possible. Could she come for coffee when you meet up with some of your other friends?

I think you could be a really good friend by telling her honestly that her constant messages and neediness are pushing you away.

As a pp said, set some boundaries with her and make her respect them or you will be another who walks away completely for your own wellbeing.

You have to be quite brutal and say 'Can we change the subject please'. IT won't go down well 😔

I did mean to say that she does have support groups for her children. I know she's been to one event. I'm really not sure how often these are though.

I have invited her out with my other friends too but we tend to do outings like cinema, dinner, drinks, concerts, outdoors stuff, but she never wants to join in on these.
I'm also a bit hesitant in inviting her all the time, as it changes the dynamic of things. Sometimes I just want to catch up with my old work friends or my old school friends by myself.

Of course you can catch up with your other friends. Don’t feel guilty about having a social life away from her. Does she make you feel like this, (if so she’s controlling and manipulative) or do you feel guilty that you’re having fun and she’s not? To put it bluntly, she’s a grown woman and is responsible for her own happiness.

I don't necessarily feel guilty for having fun without her, more just sad for her that she doesn't have any other friends to have fun with.

The only thing she's really said is that I'm lucky to have lots of friends and she wishes she had more like me. I don't think she was saying this to be manipulative, just expressing her feelings. However it did make me feel awkward as I didn't really know what to say

I would do like her other friends and drift away. You have tried your best but to no avail.

Having friends is not to do with luck, it’s about cultivating and nurturing friendships and putting yourself out for other people. It’s give and take, and there has to be a balance although this will obviously ebb and flow through life. Your friend sounds very intense and it’s hardly surprising she is struggling with friendship.

Yes I've had this OP, down to being the only friend, them being very lonely, the constants messaging and memes and their not wanting to do things differently
We are no longer friends. It wasn't just due to their behaviour but my mental health was suffering generally and I just couldn't take it anymore so I gradually cut down contact. It does sound like you've done your best and you've been a good friend.

Sounds like she’s just a pretty negative person. I’ve known a few - in my head I think of then as ‘but people’ as in “I’d love to do that but the time’s inconvenient/ it’s too far/ I have anxiety issues/ my pet rock needs me 24-7” etc. You can’t do anything to help someone like that. They are bizarrely comfortable in their misery, and have no real desire to change, whatever they say.

Well, you’re not lucky, you’re just not relying over-heavily on a single friend and stressing them out. I absolutely get that having children with additional needs is isolating, but ultimately, she’s responsible for her own life and relationships. I’d be entirely upfront with her about the impact her needs are having on you, that you can’t meet all her needs, and that her communication and neediness are how she lost her other friends. You’re not doing her any favours in letting her think it’s other people.

It sounds like you are doing a lot as it is. I'm not even sure it's fair on your other friends to invite this one but she's not making an effort to find other friends so that's on her. You just see her and text her as much as you want to.

Yes I do agree. Even if she went to one baby/toddler group I'm sure she'd meet people. They might not become great friends at first but they could develop. Just socialising with different people would be good for her I think.

I would just reply as when you want too, no more and keep to once monthly visits. She needs to help herself and not rely on you.

OP, you sound like a lovely person and she is her own worst enemy. I’ve been in this position and it started to drag me down. As others have said, she sounds comfortable in her own misery though possibly lacking in self-awareness by sending you so much crap from social media, with social media possibly compounding her loneliness. Only she can end this - you’ve presented options, given your time freely and she’s effectively thrown in back in your face by presenting her terms. This is not friendship, it’s an emotional noose. I would leave the nonsense WhatsApp messages unresponded to but read. That will send a message in itself. Then I would begin to lay those boundaries; you can’t go to a cafe but she can do X with you periodically. Then let it fizzle out. Live your life and let her find her own way, you’ve tried and are finding out what others have probably found before you.