Am I a terrible parent?!

[Lifebeginsat40theysaid]

Hi all, sorry this is long but I need some advice. My DS is very nearly 17 - like all kids these days, he has friends from other countries that he has met via online gaming. One of them is a 19 year old girl from the US who he has known for 2 years. She is visiting the UK in a few weeks with her best friend (a guy same age as her), who is staying with her for a couple of the 10 days she is here, staying in an AirBnB.
The plan is that my DS will meet up with her all the time during her stay, along with his other friends who also know her. She has never seen a certain film trilogy so they are planning a film marathon, which will involve him staying at her AirBnB overnight.
I am fine with this but his dad is freaking out, and is expecting them to drag him off to America or get him involved in sex trafficking or something! For clarity, she is not his girlfriend so there are no plans for any shenanigans, shall we say! Although I am taking his word for this, but he has no reason to lie.
Am I a terrible parent for letting him spend time with his friend, his dad seems to think I am 🤔🤔, or am I naive and not taking any potential risks seriously? Thanks all.

Well presumably he's going to meet her and spend time with her for a few days first without staying over? So he'll know if it's a weird catfishing situation. I'd just make sure the initial meeting happens somewhere public, ideally with you dropping him off so you can check it's all legit (even from a distance).
And of course he's not going to tell you he's daydreaming about having sex with her!

Same advice to him as to any adult when meeting someone off the internet for the first time.
-meet in public
-for a short time
-tell someone where he's going
-what time he'll be back
-escape route planned just in case they are weird/boring

I would be worried about a 16 year old meeting a random from the Internet. One of my kids, now adult was talking to someone who wasn't who they said they were and I myself have met people online from the likes of dating sites and Peanut who have been odd bods.

Will he have other friends with him all the time while he is there? I don't think I would be happy about a 16 year old going off with an unknown adult alone.

I don't like it. I wouldn't be happy.
Aside from the whole catfish thing I think your son might think shenanigans are on the cards.

Start early so no need for an overnight stay.

I'd always want to know more about her first. Social media accounts etc.

Is this actually a thing? Children having friends in different countries via gaming apps? This would scare the shit out of me

Just no. And not all 17 year olds have friends from all over world through gaming. So many red flags.

Not a thing for my 17 year old or any of his friends. They do game but not with random strangers from overseas. They'd rather socialise in person

There's absolutely no way I would have let my DS do this when he was 16! How can you know for sure they are who they say they are??

I’d want to meet her. Could you invite her to your house. Check she is a 19 yr old girl. I think as he’s 16 you need to check.

A 16yo is too young for overnight stays in an airbnb with a girl he met online imo. It's too much pressure at too young an age, I think.

I think I'd want to know who my 16 year old was spending time with - you don't know these people at all and they're 19 which is very different to 16. Why does a movie marathon have to mean an overnight stay? People watch movies in the daytime! I think I'd want to meet them and know where the airbnb is and I wouldn't be ok with him staying overnight with two young adults he's only met on-line. Sorry OP but I'm with your husband on this.

Thanks for all your thoughts, for context the first meeting would absolutely be public, with the friend group, not just my son, and she has already said she is happy to meet us.

He’s 17. Why would ‘shenanigans’ be a problem?

In any case the OP says he’ll be going with other friends who also know her. They’re not going to be either shagging or getting catfished as a group.

I would take her up on that offer. Invite her round and see how it goes.

Having online connections from all over the world was normal for me when I was younger. It depends on your interests and if they lend themselves to online connections — gaming etc. for sure.

Honestly, it all sounds pretty wholesome to me and if the girl was going to meet us that would make me feel a lot better. But an overnight in an AirBnB is a bit much for a 16-year-old. I’d be more worried about things like drug and alcohol use than anything else, given these others are adults. I’d be encouraging them to start the movie marathon earlier in the day and say I was happy to pick him up as late as 11pm, but I’d want him home overnight, I think.

Thanks for this, I thought friends from around the world was pretty normal too!

I have checked out her social media, plus her family business social media page. Everything looks pretty legit and to be honest, her and her friends look like kids! She's only just graduated this year so it's not like she's been out in the world for much longer than him, and is so much more experienced!

We will drop him off when he and his friends meet her on the day she arrives, so we can meet her too. I have also spoken to my son about the whole overnight thing, and said I'd prefer them to do a daytime marathon and him to come home overnight. I am also more concerned about them drinking rather than them shagging! And he still is adamant they are mates and neither of them think like that about each other!

That all sounds like a good move. I had several male friends when I was that age and as we got older (18+) we slept in the same room and even the same bed sometimes with absolutely nothing going on.

It’s good that he is making friends and broadening his social circle. And if this girl is the decent person she seems then that means he has good instincts in terms of who he chooses to connect with online. I think ultimately it could be a very good thing for him, and if your own instincts are telling you she’s OK, especially after you’ve met her, then I’d be supportive.

Team DH i’d be freaking out too. Can’t they come to your house?

If it was the other way around - and my 17 yo dd was going to stay overnight with a 19yo boy she’d met online who she only have met in real life very recently, I’d feel uncomfortable.

So on that - Yabu

Has he already met this friend group or are they just on line friends too ?

DD has met up with people she’s met on line … both sexes, at thier houses. I “met” them as well, when she was playing, just to get eyes on. She’s recently started stopping over, as they play D&D into the evening.

Not that I’ve ever heard of. Certainly not ‘everyone’ as per the op. Maybe it’s a male thing? My teenager girls have no interest in online gaming.