NC as it’s humiliating if what I am thinking is true.
Early last summer, a close friend of DH passed away. DH went to the funeral and he said that the other close friends were also rallying around the widow to help her through the grief. I think you already know where this is going….
We had just relocated to France, so this involved travel for him back to the UK for the funeral and two other times, I was supportive as the widow isn’t English and her husband’s family were treating her horribly- trying to throw her out of her home, or that is what DH told me. So he and others were helping her relocate to London.
In September, DH went back to UK at the start of term to help one of our DC collect items from storage and move to their new student digs. The night before his flight from London back to France he said DC was all settled, he was going to check into the London hotel and go have a tea with the widow to see how she was getting on. This turned into dinner as well.
He comes back to France. Then we have sex which was very painful and I bled. I have been having difficulties in that department due to menopause vaginal atrophy as well as extreme fatigue from having cancer.
The next morning I have unusual watery discharge with the usual bleeding and pain. I think it is yet another allergic reaction to yet another prescription for intimacy. So I start on antihistamines. Five days later, blisters start to appear. I book in an urgent appt with my gyne, who sees me 3 days after I called. One look, and I get told it’s likely genital herpes. I sit there blinking and shocked.
I am sent off for an STI test.
I had been married for 31 years at that point. And yes, never once cheated or fooled around. I did get HPV from a rapist. DH is only man I have ever slept with consensually my entire life.
I ask my DH how in the hell did I likely get herpes. He initially says “I don’t know, how did you?” I explode with defensiveness. He then clamly explains I probably got it when I was raped almost 40 years ago and it’s been dormant. I go but what about initial outbreak? Wouldn’t I have had that?
He says wait for the STI test results, because the gyne could be wrong. They come back positive for type 1 HSV - the virus that is usually oral so he then says I must have given it to myself by licking my fingers and touching myself?! WTF? I have zero libido and it always hurts down there, I was only going to the gynae over and over to get prescription strength stuff for vaginal atrophy for him.
So he would talk about the widow now and then, chat with her on the phone. When he went up to help DC move out of student digs this past June, he was actually upset there wasn’t time to visit her before the return flight which I did not understand..because it’s been a year? Surely she is settled by now in her new life and home in London? She is back with friends and family?
He came back and got violent. I filed a police report, he was arrested and confessed to domestic violence. He is now under court custody until his tribunal. From 3rd info sources as he is banned from contacting me or me him, I hear he is hoping he is deported and is put on the first flight to the UK so he can go “home.”
He has made it clear he thinks he deserves half of everything despite the fact he beat me up and it’s up to me to file for divorce.
Why am I obsessing now? I have recently found a few photos on the laptop that to my eyes indicate a level of body language and closeness beyond the widow of a close friend level of friendship. I’ve looked at my records and the timeline matches up. I feel like a complete and utter fool.
The past few months, I have been asked by the police and other officials why do you think your husband became violent? All I had were excuses…grieving deaths, stress, unresolved trauma, my menopause & cancer caused compassion fatigue ?
I maybe had a eureka moment last night when frustrated with these feelings of utter betrayal and the fact as primary breadwinner, usually sole breadwinner, for over 30yrs of marriage why in the hell am I going to have to divide everything in half with this excuse for a human being? I am afraid for my own future financial stability. I’m a cancer patient so I’m not able to earn anything for the time being and the cancer treatment itself is causing more and more serious health complications. In my darkest nights I wonder if I am close to the end. I lose to cancer and there will be no retirement of rest and enjoyment? (I have a private psychologist I see weekly for €50 a session as the free one promised by victims’ assistance never materialised- absolutely necessary so please do not worry- I am doing all I can to survive this)
The authorities are illequipped because usually the divide in half means the abuser is compensating the victim.,.but in this case I feel like I’m about to be abused all over again by losing half of what I carefully saved up.
He kept cashing in his pensions so has maybe £20k total. He almost cashed that in earlier this year because he wanted to buy a fancy motorbike. I saved and saved and have 20x that. I didn’t mind sharing pensions when we were a married couple, because the deal was in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, til death do us part. We had a great retirement planned for ourselves using my pensions and his just being left to grow in case I die early so he has a bit to see him through the probate.
The only issue relationship wise was our sex life going out the window due to physical side effects I had and have no control over. Until he got violent that is.
I seriously thought my love and devotion since I was 20 years old would have meant that lack of sex wouldn’t have made him go so cookoo. I feel like I don’t know my DH at all, which is crazy after 32 years of marriage and raising children to adulthood.
So, sorry so long, but AIBU to suspect an affair for sex? Or am I BU and I’m demonising a normal late middle age divorce?