To think some people project their expectations of weddings onto you?

[FancyTaupeBiscuit]

I'll be getting married sometime next year and I've had a few people say 'And so you'll need to do XYZ, you need to start ordering X, you need a colour scheme for X, you'll need to start thinking about X'.
The wedding is going to be more of a party, have got 0 interest in all the traditions like first dance and so on. Just want it to be a nice party with food, music and the right people.
So far I've just been politely brushing it off, also can't afford thousands and thousands on a wedding sadly. People telling me I need to start buying xyz items a year in advance, as if I've just got all the money lying around and no other bills exist?

One friend was quite pushy, I know she's excited for me and trying to help, but she kept sending details of suppliers, gave me a list of everything I 'need' to do, telling me what sort of budget to have (based on hers) I never asked her for any advice, and had to politely tell her I just planned to do it my way.

It's died down a bit now, people can have whatever wedding they like and spend whatever they want, it's nobody's business. I know there's got to be some level of planning involved, I can't just rock up! Has anyone else had this? People are shocked when we say we're mostly sorted, most people assume 'Oh I bet you're planning for years and it's soo stressful!' It's as stressful as you make it.

Someone said to me the other week 'I bet you've got no free time at all- you've got a wedding to plan!' I've got plenty of free time luckily!

Just do what makes you both happy. When the hype starts, just say what you have chosen to do and stand your ground.
It is a sort if vicarious pleasure thing that is going on here. They like the idea of spending someone else's money!
I only had a small wedding and it was lovely and what we wanted.

Yes, it's annoying really, I'd never tell someone how they should spend their money. I'll just keep trying to be firm.

I totally agree with you just keep on saying no

We got married while living abroad, it was fairly small and in a hotel and I basically just used their recommended vendors, gave them a vague idea of what I wanted and let them get on with. At no point was I stressed about it and I really did not spend much time at all sorting it.

Despite this, people were endlessly asking me questions about it, telling me what I should and shouldn't do and whether I was stressed about it!

I have been married for over 30 years and there are all sorts of things that now seem to be expected that weren’t at all then.

Most of them aren’t necessary in my view. Have the confidence to do your own thing!

People can be so irritating giving unsolicited advice. They can't see past their own experiences or think that someone might actually want something different to them.

I’d give your acquaintances the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like they are excited for you.

For some a marriage is just an overwhelming ordeal. From the tat associated with being asked to be the bridesmaid, the anguish over the color scheme and if you should buy flip flops for guests. I’m so glad I made the decision to do nothing of the sort.

Others want to share in the journey to the perfect wedding. They are probably just trying to be helpful.

But isn't being helpful doing what the person you are helping wants?

I would just stall and say 'yeah, I have loads to do' then disregard.

True. But you can always say “thanks” and change the subject.

I had a friend who was definitely having a vicarious wedding through mine - as her long term partner and her aren't ever going to marry - I discretely distracted her. She was keen to organise hen dos, photo booths, kept asking me if I wanted to meet to plan things...

Mine was definitely more of a party than a wedding. More concentration on the food and wine and disco than swagging, nosegays, dress etc etc.

Luckily I had a friend who was a professional transport organiser who suggested, and organised, and negotiated a discount, on some vintage transport that made the day a bit different with almost no effort on our part.

Just keep saying thanks and doing what you want to do.

There's so much BS within the wedding industry. My DD gets married at the end of September, they're having a tiny registry office ceremony then a party with their friends that sounds similar to what you want to have. They found a field, booked the marquee, toilets, catering and music earlier this year and we're only just now getting round to flowers, specific food (barbecue) and how we decorate the marquee. Wedding transport will be our own ones cleaned and polished up with bows on. It's a tight budget rather than a big splashy do mainly because they'd rather put the money towards a house deposit but I think they're doing a great job and it'll be fantastic regardless. I have to say the nicest wedding receptions I've been to were the simpler ones in village halls or tents in fields rather than more formal events in a hotel or similar. There's more love somehow in the simpler homespun ones than being on a production line in a function room somewhere. Do what feels right for you! My own wedding back in 1993 was a shotgun wedding arranged in 6 weeks so there wasn't time to ponder, decisions needed to be made fast and then on to the next. Anyone who clucked, pursed their lips and said oooh you've left it late didn't get my business. We had a really lovely wedding, sadly I lost him last year to a very rare and agressive cancer, 3 months from start to finish ☹️
im sure yours will be lovely, just choose what feels right to you!

10000%

• you must do x
• you must invite x

And when challenged its 'because its rude not to' or 'its tradition' or 'its just whats expected'

I am not being rude by not following made up bloody rules about an event I am choosing to host that is meant to be about two people getting married.

Also, its bloody rude of people to insist you HAVE to invite certain people to an event, or for people to get offended they weren't invited. Thats the rude behaviour in that equation and I will die on this hill.

Also someone insisting 'its about joining families together'
Thats actually lovely that you see your marriage or potential marriage that way, but to me and the person im actually marrying it, its only about the fact we love each other enough to agree to spend the rest of our lives together. Insisting that its about 'joining families' for everyone that gets married is rude (and kind of stupid, my family has no bearing on my decision to get married?!?)

Ah yes.

"You'll have to wear a tiara" - nope, a £20 piece of tat from Claires Accessories as the foremost accessory on my wedding day is not for me, thanks. A piece of family historical jewellery or if I was loaded and could buy something fancy, maybe, but even then I'm not a fan. Friend was deeply offended that I didn't want to wear one - she wasn't offering hers or anything!

We ended up capitulating to family pressure and hired a photographer. I hate 98% of their photos and don't mind the other 2% and wish we'd stuck to our guns and just had friends and family taking snaps. All the candid photos taken by F&F are my favourite ones, the posed shots of us look dreadfully stiff and uncomfortable and will never grace a wall or album. Thousands spent to keep other people happy. Ugh.

Just say, oh no, we are focusing on the marriage and not all the fripperies as they don’t mean anything to us, so we are not being traditional. So thanks, but we won’t be needing or doing anything like that.

100% agree OP. I’m 23 years married but I remember a old school friend who was married the year before me telling myself and my mum that we won’t have a minute to ourselves before the wedding and that we’d be stressed out. Now I had a traditional wedding with about 180 people so it was big enough but we never got stressed or had any drama. I think some people just invite drama into their lives. Also I didn’t do the big hen party thing. I hate them so did the old style night out in a local pub and some people were horrified.

It's just like having a baby/buying a house/getting a pet etc-any positive life event people love to join in talking about it. Not a bad thing at all, people are showing care and interest in you, and if you want to do it a different way, that's fine, and no one's likely to mind.