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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for ditching a 'friend' of four years - because I had enough of her self centred wittering

18 replies

wabbit · 25/06/2008 22:14

There were a hundred and one reasons why I should not have even given this woman the time of day... but I did... and with good grace...

Until one weekend she persuaded me to re-decorate my bedroom (huge re-carpetting, room swap venture) So, I de-constructed dd's room took up carpets and shifted everything into the space that was my hall/bathroom/old bedroom - ready for the great 'friend' decorating experience... she came round for a mere two hours - buggered off to do a photo shoot and left her dd 13 for me to look after/cook for/entertain...

...and didn't come back for six hours I told her that I didn't want her to come back to help me... she picked up her dd and I declined her offers of help over the next two days... have not contacted her - and she has not contacted me since...
She doe's a very good impression of a wounded face/or bitchy smirk when we meet, we have mutual friends who have now started to either/or us when inviting us to parties and barbeques etc.

Life's been so much better since I told her I didn't want her 'help' - it must be nearly six months since we have spoken.
This woman would call into my house for a cuppa at least three times a week, I'd be invited for supper - to pop out for a drink (so she could eye up, chat up, give evils to (depending on current romatic situation she was in)) some bloke or other. If I had heard once how heartbroken she was I had heard it literally a thousand times.

I have in the past had to stop with my sister and her family for a few days to get out of her way, especially when I was pg with ds, who's now nearly 3. Despite my resentment of her, I would always let her call, drop by, attend things I was invited to. I would always try to offer her the best of my advice (which she seemed to be constantly asking for) And always she would ignore or at least find reasons for not being able to follow...

She could be fun - she was also a vile touter of Daily Mail views - she was racist, even to my face, she was vile about my teen dd, to her face and to mine, she was verbally violent to her own dd (almost without knowing it)
She had taken up a course in photography and couldn't stop taking photo's of my ds, who at 2 I was keen on her not making him self aware. I don't just mean one or two at a time - at least 50 shots during a walk in the park - shouting his name over and over so he'd look at the camera.
I have heard she is waiting for an apology I have no intention of doing any such thing and wouldn't know where to start explaining why I behaved as I did. Well, certainly not without using some pretty colourful language and making her feel like shit.
Oh bugger, don't really know why it's bothering me so much that I end up ranting here. Apologies, do tell me if I am unreasonable - I know I shouldn't have let the woman monopolize so much of my time in the past - but she was always one of those 'I've done this for you - you can't refuse to do this for me' kind of people...

OP posts:
poppy34 · 25/06/2008 22:17

only quickly read this but suspect a lot of reason you are feeling so pissed off is cos you put up with her for so long and wonder why you did? sounds like latest incidnet was one in a long line

thirtysomething · 25/06/2008 22:18

I think you know you are better off without her but she obviously still features in your thoughts - why? Do you miss her maybe a bit, despite her less attractive qualities? 'tis v. much like relationship break-up in that the hurt and questions can linger for ages...YANBU but you need to move on...

wabbit · 25/06/2008 22:24

Thank you - yes I know I do, I guess i'm wondering how I can make my friends who are also friends of hers feel more comfortable in inviting us to things. They seem to be making a huge deal out of this. Though I've not been told I'm out of order.

I am pissed off with myself for allowing such a long friendship... without real friendship being present.

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alicet · 25/06/2008 22:26

I guess she is waiting for an apology as what eventually led to you getting fed up with her while not great was hardly a friend sacking offence on it's own.

She clearly has absolutely no awareness as to what a drain to you she has been over the years. And really you wouldn't be able to even begin to tell her - she just wouldn't get it.

Just move on I say. Upsetting but necessary I think

alicet · 25/06/2008 22:28

And as regards your mutual friends I would perhaps say to a couple of them that while you have fallen out (don't elaborate in case it gets back to her that you have been 'bitching') you certainly don't expect them to take sides and that you will obviously be civil to her in their company. So they don't need to worry about not inviting you both to things.

If she is bad mouthing you then let her. If you behave with dignity and don't react to this it will all work out in the end as people will notice this

wabbit · 25/06/2008 22:30

alicet - yes, that is the unreasonable bit of my behaviour... not a friend sackable offence in itself and NO she just wouldn't get it!!

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Ambi · 25/06/2008 22:31

yanbu, there are lots of poisonous friends around, just be glad you are free from her. These sad childish bitchy users will eventually end up lonely, and blaming others for their behaviour.

ThinWhiteDuchess · 25/06/2008 22:31

I agree with Poppy, you probably are annoyed with yourself for putting up with this person for so long. I went through something similar with someone I used to be friendly with and am now so, so glad I have cut all contact with her. She probably wonders why, but I have very good reasons. Like your ex-friend, this person also had vile views (imo) and the last straw was when she asked what colour my DD was (who's mixed race)...the kind of person who thinks just because she is up front and asks a question directly makes it ok. Haven't spoken to her since (DD is now nearly 10 months).

You sound best out of that friendship, and no, YANBU.

Doodle2U · 25/06/2008 22:33

I think it's bugging you because you need 'closure'!

It's like you/she haven't properly and cleanly finished it, so it feel s like infinished business.

Either speak to her and tell her why or make your mind up now that it's done and work hard at putting it out of your mind.

Doodle2U · 25/06/2008 22:35

infinished! UNfinished - tsk, I need to go to bed.

wabbit · 25/06/2008 22:35

I'm so glad I did this - thank you, I have had some words with friends, and probably not been as gracious as perhaps I could have been, though not bitchy either, I'd have thought friends know me well enough to know I would never cause a scene or behave inappropriately.

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alicet · 25/06/2008 22:36

wabbit I didn't mean to say you were unreasonable for sacking her over that. Just that she might perceive it that way.

Reading through the way she has behaved over the past 4 years I'm just surprised it's taken you so long! But then I would probably do the same.

Then something happens that is just the lat straw and suddenly you find all the resentment that has been building up takes over.

YANBU. At all.

AngelDoll · 25/06/2008 22:36

Wabbit, how about you speak to all the mutual friends individually and drop in casually that you and X are pursuing different paths ATM, you wish her all the best and have no problem being at the same events together, it's just that you are not spending much time one-on-one currently.

Ideally you would arrange something to which you can invite them! A bbq, or drinks evening?

I doubt very much you will regret falling out with her as time passes! She sounds like one of those toxic "friends". I had one who I haven't seen for 5 years now and if I never saw her again it would be too soon. I am only amazed I put up with her as long as I did and I don't miss her in the slightest.

Also, don't be pushed into making the peace just to smooth things over - she is unlikely to appreciate it as she is fundamentally self absorbed, from what you describe.

wabbit · 25/06/2008 22:41

I think I shall be making this thread my closure I know how honest readers of the AIBU threads are and feel that at least so far, you guys don't consider what I've done to be truly shocking! It has been bugging me, but feel my problem shared has taken away some of my pent up botheredness

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wabbit · 25/06/2008 22:48

Yes, think our mutual friends will just have to get used to the fact that we no longer 'mingle' you're right AngelDoll - I don't want to make peace just to help friends feel better.

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daffodill6 · 25/06/2008 23:03

W - the only person you have to ask for permission to end this friendship - is yourself. Support is always on hand

bunchoflowers · 26/06/2008 09:15

It sounds to me like she is all over the place... emotionally.... and she is lucky to have had a good friend like you who has put up with her for so long.

Female friendships can be so tricky......I've been friends with girls from my school (I'm 32 now) and I'm only just realising what they're actually like! It takes years to get to know someone properly, I guess a bit like a marriage, and for you to work out what sort of a person they really are. She sounds like a user. I'm not saying she's all bad, to be taking photos of your daughter sounds kind of sweet (unless I'm reading that wrong). She sounds like a bit of a lost soul if you ask me.....no one who is confident and happy goes around giving people bitchy looks, do they? You could try and patch things up on a superficial level and so that it's easier for you both within your wider social circle. But just take it to a less intimate and more 'jokey' level and don't ever let her hurt you again!!

wabbit · 26/06/2008 09:45

bunchofflowers - the photographic thing wasn't sweet at all I'm afraid... I agree female freinds can be tricky, don't think I could patch this one up though. This woman would offer to look after my ds for the evening and then would get drunk whilst I was out DP and I once thought better of leaving ds with her so popped back with a bottle of wine (to share) and she was already 3/4 of her way through a bottle at 8pm . Her then 12 year old dd was looking after ds... and she poor thing isn't any more emotionally stable than ex-friend

I know I was right to get out of the friendship, I just have that nagging (should have handled it better) feeling as just deffing someone out of your life feels underhand and a bit shitty
Just don't know how else it could have been done

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