AIBU to stop making the effort with uninvolved sister-in-law?

[Whatthefork1]

Am I being unreasonable to not want a relationship with sister in law due to her lack of effort and contact with my children (her niece and nephew).

Sister and law and her partner are much older than myself and partner, they in their late forties / early fifties. MIL had her very young. They don’t have their own children, they have been together 25 plus years but only moved in together about 10 years ago,
SIL lived with MIL until then.

When we had our daughter nearly 5 years ago and we made a huge effort to involve them, we made them god parents (I know that doesn’t mean much these days, but we wanted to give them that honour). They were somewhat involved with my daughter and we would see them maybe every month at one point, at either ours or theirs, but as time went on the contact got less and less.

We had our son nearly two years ago and they have seen him probably 4 times his whole life. One of which was at his christening, then we went to visit them last Christmas and we saw them at MILs last week, wasn’t planned but they turned up when we were there. The other time was when they visited our house when he was born.

She doesn’t call or text to ask how the children are, she doesn’t invite us round or ask if she can visit us. I’m just done with it to be honest, I don’t see why we should make all the effort when she clearly couldn’t care less. Whenever she does see them, she takes a tonne of photos and posts them on social media- that really annoys me and I have commented and asked that she doesn’t upload our children onto social media as we don’t agree with it.

MIL has contacted my partner today and told him that he must talk to his sister more and check in on her and make sure she is okay. Why don’t we see her etc etc. he told MIL it is not his responsibility to make sure she is ok and that she knows where we live too. (I would like to add MIL is a whole other story and nightmare herself, but that isn’t the point of this post of course)

But anyway, AIBU to be pissed off and to say actually I don’t want anything to do with her anymore? Or am I being harsh and should I make more of an effort to try and involve her?

Sounds like she's not really interested and possibly enmeshed with your MIL, seeing that she didn't leave home until well into adulthood. I would be polite but not put myself out for her.

Relationships are a 2 way thing.

if you doing all the chasing and getting nothing back - what’s the point?

I would keep on with loose contact - but the joy of the phone is it both receives and transmits calls. She can ring you and arrange things too.

ignore mil - none of her business.

but doesn’t sound like sil is all that bothered about staying in touch - ultimately her loss .

So this is your DHs sister? What efforts does he make with his sister? Be honest is is one sided?
Maybe SIL is happy with how often she sees you, everyone isn’t super interested in young children, maybe she will get more involved with them when they’re a little older.
Does SIL have a busy job/other stuff going on in her life? How far away does she live?

She shouldn't have accepted being a godparent if she didn't want to be involved. She does sound cold, but you never know what's going on-one of my best friends withdrew after my first baby was born, and turns out she's had infertility issues. But all we can do if give people chances, say we'll be there if they need us and then get on with our lives. Keep the door open, but you can't kill yourself trying to force a relationship.

Just keep out of it.

She's your husband's sister, so he can deal with the relationship.

And ignore your MIL because clearly your SIL isn't interested. It's not her fault if her mother can't accept that.

With kindness....You have new parent blindness where you think everyone in the whole wide world should be as enamoured and involved with your children as you are. The fact is these people live a very different life. They dont have children of their own, their focus is elsewhere. They're just not interested, and to be honest, that's completely OK. Theres no need to take offence or sit brooding over whether to take offence or try harder. Just leave it. It's lovely that you made them godparents and wanted to honour and involve them in this way, but it's so far removed from their lives and interests. They are probably fine with the level of contact and involvement and that's fine. Be gracious and take a step back. These are YOUR children and naturally they mean the world to you, but they are YOURS.

Why should she be involved with your dc? She didn't ask to be godparent, you chose her. I couldn't really care less about other people's dc, tbh.

Are you doing “all the chasing” though? It doesn’t sound like it if she’s only seen your children a handful of times, and your DH has been clear he can’t be arsed to stay in touch with her.

it sounds like you’re just not close at all- she’s not interested and neither is your DH. I would just let the relationship fizzle out and see them whenever they turn up at your MIL like
you do now.

Yes it is. It’s definitely not one sided, infact at the moment it really is no-sided because we both gave up with the contact and trying to involve her and she simply doesn’t bother.

She lives a half an hour drive away. Doesn’t have much else going on in her life, in the nicest way possible they lead a very boring life.

I don’t particularly want her to be more involved when the kids get older. If she wants to be involved then she should be involved now. Understand what your saying about her not being super interested- but if that is the case, why moan and say we don’t see her enough and then also post on social media about how much you love the kids etc?

Maybe I compare too much to my other SIL , she is the complete opposite and loves our children dearly and makes a huge effort with them- they adore her.

I don't call or text to see how my nephews are unless one of them is poorly or it's their birthday or something. Do people specifically get in touch for that?

It’s not that she SHOULD be, it’s more a question of - why wouldn’t she want to be? I just simply don’t get it. But i understand that everyone is different. And no she didn’t ask to be god parent, but if she wasn’t interested or wanted to be involved then she should have just declined.

They mostly do in my family, yes. I am very close with my family even though they live 4 hours away, we are still very much in contact. We are also both very close to my FIL and step MIL and other SIL.

I don't see what she's doing wrong ? They don't have children so honestly yours are less interesting to her and that's ok! they do see them , I don't know what you expect. They have their own lives and you have yours. They don't have ti be seeing your children frequently. Yes her brother should check in on her to see she's ok !

Is the other SIL DH’s sister too? Does she contact her sister?

Are they just both introverted and happy with their own life. Is this just MIL interfering with both siblings

Well shit, guess I'm a crappy aunt 😁

I could be your sister-in-law in a way. My brother and I get on fine but never were the kind to pick up the phone for a chat/message without reason. I get on fine with my sister-in-law but being honest have little in common other than my brother. I do not mind making chit-chat when we meet but could not really be bothered with phonecalls/messages.

I must be a bad god-mother. I text their parents when they are sick, having something going on in school or if I am talking to their parents I will ask for updates. I don't think I have ever just text asking how they are without reason.

If you see so little of her, how on earth do you know the reality of their 'boring life'?
She might have plenty going on that she just keeps private from the in-laws.

There is nothing nice about saying someone doesnt have much else going on in their life and they are boring. I've kids and life is hectic but I've no doubt there are people looking at me thinking that life isnt for them or sadly wasn't meant to be. Be kinder with your words.

why wouldn’t she want to be? I just simply don’t get it

Quite simply, because our children aren't nearly as interesting to other people as they are to us.

This is particularly true of those at a different life stage who opted out of the whole childrearing thing.

You made them godparents, which they graciously accepted, and presumably they send Christmas presents etc. That's pretty much all that's required. Everything else is down to personal preference.

I think you’re being a tad obtuse / self-absorbed here.

The first clue as to why she wouldn’t want to be more involved is her own lack of children - this indicates that either (1) she’s not fussed about kids or possibly (2) she’s tried to have them but can’t. In both cases, can’t you imagine why she wouldn’t want to hang out with them, even if they’re family? You can’t assume that everyone wants to be involved with your kids - obviously you do, hence having them, but there are plenty of people who don’t enjoy spending time with small children, and that’s okay. She’s busy living her life & she’s not being unpleasant, as far as I can tell, so leave her be….

But why would she want to be, to be controversial? I helped bring up some family members, but I am really not interested in their dc, having moved away and never been involved with them.

Obviously, your dc are the most (should be) important thing for YOU and you're involved with the other in-laws, but I see both points of view-she doesn't want involvement, you do.

Being asked to be godparent, unless you're all very religious and take it super seriously, is a gesture these days. My dh isn't even in touch with some of his godchildren any longer, life moves on.

Accept that she's not going to be nor does she want to be heavily involved. It's not a horrible thing for her to do, it's just that she's clearly not particularly bothered.

SIL isn’t really interested. I think you have a MIL problem. She needs to wind her neck in.

I have had two kids who are now adults and I am not even that interested in other people's young children, including family member's. I find them much more enjoyable when they get to 7/8 or so. I wouldn't cut anyone out of my life just because they aren't interested in my kids. I am my own person and I can have adult friendships that has nothing to do with my kids.

Believe me your children are not as interesting or wonderful as you think they are.

I had both. A SIL who smiled benevolently on the rare occasion she saw mine but wanted no more contact than that and a brother fully involved. Neither was wrong - no one had the right to expect a certain level of input from family.
you reap what you sow though - both adult sibs have a brilliant relationship with one and literally never see the other
I’ll leave you to work out the obvious way round