I want to leave DH but most of all I want our children to be ok.
DS is almost 4 and DD is 2. They adore their dad.
I can tolerate many things, but what I am finding it increasingly difficult to tolerate is DH's... mood? Attitude. He is rude, abrasive, snappy. I am on egg shells constantly. Occasionally he'll be in a good mood, something will have gone well at work, and it'll be great for a week or so - we'll be able to have normal conversations, discuss things we disagree on reasonably, joke around... but it always goes back. Worst of all, now that DS is getting older, DH starting to do it to him as well.
I don't want to go on and on with examples but believe me that the way he speaks to DS sometimes is unacceptable. He doesn't shout (or rarely) or swear or name-call, he's not abusive, but he is impatient, rude, critical, and seems to expect DS to have the reasoning skills of an adult. DS is a delight. Sometimes pushes boundaries, as all children do, but overwhelmingly wants to please us both and really tries to follow instructions. He's also very sensitive, but kind of masks it. Not sure DH really acknowledges this.
I have spoken to DH about the way he interacts with us, he is always very apologetic, agrees with me, but it never sticks. I don't want DS thinking he needs to accept being spoken to like that, or that it's ok to speak to anyone like that.
If DH ever goes away for work, I feel so calm, all my anxiety fades away. Yes, it's hard with two kids, nobody to watch them if I need to do something, but I still prefer it to when he's here.
However, all I really want is to do what's best for the kids, and I don't know what that is.
They love their dad. He's lovely to them a lot of the time. It's just if they do anything slightly out of line, like take too long with their shoes, accidently drop something, touch something they shouldn't. To clarify, of course I believe in boundaries, saying no, all of that is so important, but I think you can do it gently. I don't know why you wouldn't, when doing it gently works and doesn't end in tears!
I think DS in particular would be very destabilised by us splitting up. He loves us having family time together.
Also, of course, they would still be spending solo time with their dad. And I wouldn't be there to kind of act as a buffer or redirect if he starts a tirade. They'd just be exposed to it and unable to defend themselves. So is it better if we stay together so at least I'm always around? At least until they're older and a bit less vulnerable?
Is there a best time to do this kind of thing?
Sorry that is so rambling. I'm really feeling lost. I can't speak to anyone in real life about this.
YABU - you should leave (when???) and the children will be happier.
YANBU - stay if you can tolerate it to maintain stability for the children. You can leave when they're older if you need to.