To not really understand comments like this (sexuality)

[3cats00]

A new woman started at work, a male colleague in our team seemed keen to get to know her. Then a few days later he said to 2 of us, 'Do you know that new girl is actually a lesbian?!'.
He seemed quite surprised. I asked him why he was surprised and he seemed sheepish and said he "wasn't expecting it" then made a joke about how you "can't tell these days". I wonder if he was assuming all gay women are 'masculine' with short hair and so on?

@Goatsarebest that is very tempting. Perhaps I'll try that if anyone starts jabbering about lesbians again...

All my friends think a pal of mine is gay. He’s married with three kids and they think he’s in the closet. ‘ he just seems gay’ is what they say!

I think human beings find each other interesting and pattern recognition is hard wired into our brains.

I wonder if he was assuming all gay women are 'masculine' with short hair and so on?

Because you were in a conversation with him anyway, I'm surprised you didn't ask him this?

Might've saved you wondering?

Your colleague is:

• a creep for sexualising and approaching a colleague in the workplace when she just joined the organisation and gave no sign of having any interest in him
• ignorant and inappropriate for discussing her sexual orientation with others and making generalisations about lesbians.

I hope she hears about this and reports him to HR.

He's easily surprised.

So basically he came on to her and she told him she was gay? And now he's wondering if she really is gay, or just said that to shut him down.

What an idiot.

Sounds like he took it personally she wasn't swooning at his feet.

I get that it’s a stereotype but I’m not straight and I’m always amused when my gaydar is off! I quite like it when I’ve not been able to tell because I suppose it proves that the stereotype of gay men mincing around or lesbians looking like truckers or bisexuals looking hyper-sexual is just that. I wouldn’t be at all offended or shocked by his surprise as I think it’s normal for people, including LGB people, to think they can somehow intuit this.

The assumptions that he came onto her are assumptions. She may just have said something in passing like ‘my wife’. I think the assumption that the only conceivable context in which someone could mention that they’re gay would be a conversation inappropriate for the workplace, is itself a bit homophobic.

He is however, obviously, an idiot.

reading MN, you'd start to think it’s best people don’t talk to each other other at all. The room to be disapproved of is enormous.

reading MN, you'd start to think it’s best people don’t talk to each other other at all. The room to be disapproved of is enormous.

reading MN, you'd start to think it’s best people don’t talk to each other other at all. The room to be disapproved of is enormous.

It’s exactly what he was thinking. Some straight men get really pissed off when someone they think is attractive is a lesbian because it means they have no chance with them even though they already had zero chance anyway.
I’ve been told I don’t look gay for decades as if it’s some kind of compliment!
I do look gay, because I am gay and this is what many gay women look like!

Same, unless it came up in a completely natural ‘what did you do last weekend?’ Type conversation and she responded with me and my girlfriend/ wife etc
and if she did that, kudos to her because that’s a good confident thing to do in the early days of work…

I think he got rebuffed, whether for a genuine reason or not doesn’t really matter
However you really can’t go by stereotypes; Look at Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!

“A male colleague in our team seemed keen to get to know her”

🙄🙄 I bet he did.

He was keen to get to know her. I bet he wouldnt be if she were an overweight 52 year old. Funny that!

Gossiping about colleagues sexuality is not professionally appropriate.

He assumed a woman was straight because he expects lesbians to fit a recognizable stereotype. It's very telling about his inherent/limited assumptions about sexuality. He expects a lesbian to look masculine or offer visual clues in that same vein (for him/men to recognise?) that advertise the fact. It speaks to a disappointing lack of education, rigid ideas about stereotyping and sexism more broadly, since he thinks it is acceptable and appropriate to verbally query or police femininity.

It all matters to him quite a bit it would seem, if he needs to speak to others about the event. He was probably hoping you would all reinforce his beliefs or make him feel better. He just sounds like a boring loser who hasn't got a great deal of intelligence, I would probably just avoid him, who can be bothered.

There's lots of comments about gaydar, going back many years- Chandler in friends kept asking how he was perceived that way. Older gay men have said they once felt that had to act/speak in a particular way. Some gay people themselves say they choose to dress against gender stereotypes-one of my best friends refused to ever wear dresses or skirts and used to joke that she could tell by my shoes I was straight, so if this colleague had only ever met people like her, he might have the false assumption that all lesbians choose to style themselves in ways that SOME people call non-feminine.
Obviously it is good if he is now learning to challenge stereotypes. It's a shame it's taken this long, but let's hope that going forward, he realises anyone can dress as they like.