AIBU to feel disappointed by my partner as a father?

[ange1908]

Is anyone else just disappointed with how their “ partner “ is as a father? We have a nearly 2 year old and despite many repetitive conversations about how I feel he doesn’t do enough either in terms of housework, for our daughter or even for me in our relationship, nothing seems to change.

we made the decision for me to be a SAHM, and return to work when our daughter is 3. I pretty much do everything for her ( which I am more than happy to do) it’s how little he does that annoys me, he is lazy and just overall incompetent. I don’t really know where to go from here, but I’m so drained with feeling constantly let down all the time and feeling like I have 2 children rather than one. I feel bad for my daughter too as I feel he gives so very little to her and his phone is more important than anything else.

"Working" at home isn't the same as doing a job. A two year old isn't a 247 pair of leg irons. And taking care of a house that's being cleaned every day is a an hours work at most. So whay is the OP doing the rest of the 10 hours her DH is out working? He comes home exhausted from dealing with shit at work only to deal with more shit the moment he walks in the door. The OP has been at home all day, he has been out working so she doesn't have to. It's nothing to do with a 1950s mentality. I just think the OP is taking the piss a bit with the whole woe is me attitude. She gets to stay home and be with her child, the bills get paid. I'd be thanking him for making that possible for me, not bitching about him being on his phone.

I made the decision to not have any more due to lack of support from dh and DS has additional needs.
dh has improved as DS has got older but also I (as my tolerence lessened) dropped jobs I don’t want to do anymore so either dh does them or they don’t get done. I also stopped reminding him to do stuff. Things are more equal now so I’m happier.

I am the OP, but struggling to access the account I made the post on. I’d like to just clear this up. There isn’t a “ woe me” attitude. It’s a lack of involvement with him and our daughter while he is at home not at work, he does nothing for her whilst he’s here, he’s never gotten her dressed for the day, taken her anywhere on his own, made her a meal maybe once or twice max, he doesn’t play with her when he comes home hardly interacts because he’s on his phone, so yes im bitching about that because our daughter is there asking for attention which he repeatedly chooses to ignore. I couldn’t care less about the housework in reality as he’s lazy and just gives the whole weaponised incompetence, it’s more a lack of regard to our relationship and quality time with his daughter, which can I add is rightly allowed to upset me. I am grateful that I am able to stay at home with my daughter but I don’t owe him my life for that and it was a joint decision that we made together, so why should I be thankful to him that he “ allows “ me to do so? And lastly, you have absolutely no idea what goes on a day to day basis in my home, I’m not sitting on my backside for 10 hours a day twiddling my thumbs till he returns home.

If you're not married, go back to work immediately.

He is showing you that you cannot rely on him so you need to take that on board and ensure your financial independence. Get the fair play cards and go through them together to allocate tasks.

Also have a conversation with him about how he sees his future relationship with DD. For some reason many men seem to think that at the moment they decide that they want a close and loving relationship with their DC, that their DC will automatically comply. They don't seem to see that close and loving relationships require work, and that building a bond happens through being a parent that their DC can rely on for the basics, not just the fun stuff. He may not change, but at least you know you will have tried.

And above all create a back up plan. There's a very good chance that he will not change. So you need to focus on being able to support yourself and DD without him. That includes building a support network as well as protecting your financial position. I'm sorry that he is so disappointing.

I'm a SAHM to 2 under 2. Husband owns his own business & works very long hours.
I do 100% of thr childcare & running our home. He pays every bill, mortgage & puts money in my account each month.

Its not a life for everyone & i do have days where I get upset because he isn't around to help out etc. But I do know what he does, he does it for us!