AIBU to feel disappointed by my partner as a father?

[ange1908]

Is anyone else just disappointed with how their “ partner “ is as a father? We have a nearly 2 year old and despite many repetitive conversations about how I feel he doesn’t do enough either in terms of housework, for our daughter or even for me in our relationship, nothing seems to change.

we made the decision for me to be a SAHM, and return to work when our daughter is 3. I pretty much do everything for her ( which I am more than happy to do) it’s how little he does that annoys me, he is lazy and just overall incompetent. I don’t really know where to go from here, but I’m so drained with feeling constantly let down all the time and feeling like I have 2 children rather than one. I feel bad for my daughter too as I feel he gives so very little to her and his phone is more important than anything else.

Return to work.
Do not get pregnant again.
Start making plans to go it alone.
One child is a lot easier than two.
He's a selfish loser.
They don't change.
Start planning, and suit yourself.

What job does he have, what hours does he work, do you have examples of what he fails to do?

Get back to work and get out of the relationship. Tell him clearly he is a disappointment as a partner and father and you wont tolerate it.

i shared maternity leave with my dh 16 years ago. I went back to work for the last three months of her first year full time and he was at home doing all the parenting, housework and cooking. I have never had the issue of him lazy at home or not parenting equally. Get back to work. You are not equal if you are reliant on him.

Becoming a SAHM has probably contributed to this dynamic, as you are both now taking on traditional roles, which for a lot of people means all house and child stuff belongs to the woman.

What was your partner like before you had a child, were household chores shared equally?

This.

There's little else to say other than offer empathy that it must be difficult, and feel disappointing. He doesn't want to engage, or he would. None of these tasks such as childcare or chores at home are beyond him, he just doesn't want to do them and thinks you can/should. He knows you how are feeling, and suffering because you have told him multiple times, but that hasn't evoked any emotional response or support from him - it never will if it hasn't already.

This.

He is useless and he won't change so you need to make plans to get on with your life without him.

You should be doing everything for your daughter. Youre the stay at home parent. He shouldn't be doing any housework. And a two year old isn't the same as a two month old, you're not glued to their side 247. I think you're reaching a bit with the whole "doesn't do enough around the house" bit. A lot of men don't really engage with very young children. That's our job.i think you're being a bit precious. Rhe phone thing is bad, but if you're on his back the moment he gets home then maybe he's trying to get some distance.

Oh dear! We’re not in the 1970s anymore, men are expected to take 50% of the responsibility for bringing up the children they helped to create.

Baby Boomers LOVE to tell other women that men just don’t “naturally engage” with young children and that it’s a mother's responsibility because their own husbands were so bloody useless and they put up with it for all these years. But fortunately it’s 2026 and this new generation of dads are SO much better. My husband is always involved, always engaged and is just the most brilliant, loving dad you could imagine. And there’s no excuse for rubbish, deadbeat dads who don’t pull their weight.

exDP was like your partner. Note the ‘ex’. DC1 is mid 20 now. As it happens I was discussing their dad with them the other day. DC1 essentially said they didn’t have a very close relationship becuase their dad has never put any effort in. If I left him to look after the DCs when they were little, he would watch TV with them and take them to a restaurant for lunch. He never played with them, took them to the park or read stories. I was always very envious of some of my friends whose partners took their kids camping:

“A lot of men don’t engage with young children” = “Engaging with young children is tedious and often hard work, so men have spent centuries convincing women’s it’s their job”.

I mean what rubbish.

So the OP's husband has to do 100% of the breadwinning, and half the housework. And half the childcare 🤔. . .

Very disappointing OP. I think I'd cut my losses. Do you love him .. even if you do I'd imagine you slowly losing respect and love as the years go by.

It's not necessarily a generational thing ... my dad was very hands on with me and my brother and this was in the 70s.

My twins are mid 20s now and I went back to work 3 days when they were 9 months old. My in laws had them two days a week and my DH increased his hours over 4 days so he could have one day off in the week.

He did everything with them, didn't just stay indoors, which would have been tempting with two babies! Took them to baby groups, singing groups, got them weighed at the clinic. He looks back on that time very fondly and as a result he is very close to both of them.

Nobody is saying that ... the OP has acknowledged that as a SAHM she does the bulk of it whilst her DH is at work ... however he should be mucking in when he's home and also bonding with his DD.

It's never a good idea to give up employment and depend on a boyfriend financially.
You should go back to work and secure your finances.

Decide whether you can still like and respect the man enough to keep him around, or if he'll be one of those pathetic 4 days a month 'parents' after you dump him.

No one mentioned half, tbh half the childcare would be impossible as he probably gets home for 5pm and their DC would be going to bed at 7 - it's called wanting to spend time with your child. His life hasn't changed post children, he worked before and works now whilst he has a maid, child care and a cleaner. OP is asking for some help, your response is ridiculous.

These may be your circumstances, and you may feel you have to accept them or are happy to do so for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean they're the right arrangement for someone else.

Let's not normalise disengaged fatherhood. Fathers are perfectly capable of forming strong, secure bonds with their children, and active paternal involvement benefits the child, the father, and the family as a whole. Any agreed domestic arrangement should meet the needs of both partners. It shouldn't leave one person so overburdened that they're stressed, unhappy, or effectively working around the clock while the other is off duty outside of working hours. There's far more to running a home and raising a child than one person working 9–5 and the other being responsible for everything else 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

You also have no evidence to support the assumption that the OP being "on his back" is what caused his behaviour. We can offer advice to women without dismissing their experiences or inventing explanations simply because we want to defend the man involved.

OP it won't change, you are a single married mother. Go back to work or have a plan in place to leave, agree about not having another child and stashing some savings away whilst you're a sahm

Lots of posters inventing a husband for some reason.
OP hasn't mentioned having a husband.

The OP’s personal arrangements aren’t the issue here. I was replying to your ridiculous comment that men can’t be expected to engage with small children because it’s just not in their nature. Which is completely unfair to the brilliant dads out there and just frankly untrue.

You might put up with your husband being a lazy, disinterested father but please don’t advise other women to do the same. Just keep your nonsense 1970s ideas to yourself. The world has moved on, and thank goodness for that!

What in the 1950s did I just read?

‘A lot of men don't really engage with very young children’ what utter bollocks.

I was at home when our were young. My husband would sweep in from his daily commute and take over. Our children couldn’t wait for him to ‘engage’ with them. And he’d not just spend as much meaningful, nurturing time with them as he possibly could, he’d insist I relaxed while he made dinner and tidied up.

He’s not the exception, most men we know are like this.

How often do you leave him with the child for prolonged periods?

And do you let him do things his way even if that’s not your way?

The 1950’s was a long time ago.

No, he doesn’t have to do half the housework and childcare. He doesn’t have to do any of it during the time he’s at work.

However, he needs to be working the same
number of hours as the Op/ having the same amount of time off as she has.

So during the time he’s not at work it’s 50:50, give or take.

But I bet the OP, like many women, would settle for a lot less! Not that she should of course.

When does OP get actual time off then?

Between 9-5, while he’s out working and she’s in the home working as a sahm, then no, he doesn’t have to do any childcare or housework.

After 5pm, when it’s the end of the working day for them both, and at the weekend, he needs to do 50% of the housework, 50% of childcare and 50% of the mental load.