AIBU to feel my friend is overstepping with my children?

[Scout27]

I have a good friend who I’ve know for 38 years. She can be hard to get along with sometimes and she is very “I’m the best at everything” and so over the years she burnt bridges with family and she is no longer allowed to see her nieces and nephews. Recently I believe she’s stopped seeing most of her other friends and so has been contacting me quite a bit which I don’t mind as I’ve known her so long and she isn’t the same with me as others but she tries to take over when it comes to my kids. Telling them off if they’re messy in my house, asking them if they’ve tidied their rooms and got rid of dishes etc. not when she’s looking after them just when she pops around. She gives me “advice” on how my children’s diets are filled with sugar and she messages my 13 year old and asks her if she wants to go on walks etc. I do believe she is lonely as she does live alone but it makes me a bit annoyed that she tells them off or tells them to do things when I’m actually there. They are really close to her but she is really pushy and I do honestly believe that she thinks she is the one to help me bring them up and I know because of the person she is she will say that she has helped bring them up as I’m a single mum after their dad died. But she wasn’t there when they were younger (they are 10 and 13 now and he died when they were 6 months and 3 years old) when they were younger she was always to busy to see me even after he died. It’s only in the last few years she has appeared more often because she is constantly arguing with and losing friends. Am I being silly? I know she does mean well but sometimes it does feel like is trying to take over and use them as a substitute for her own nieces and nephews she’s not allowed to see.

Very inappropriate that she’s asking your child to go on walks with her.

It sounds like you think a lot more about her feelings than she thinks about yours, or anyone else’s.

What’s her interpretation of no longer having contact with her nieces and nephews?

This could be quite confusing for your children. Think about what you want for them, and if your friend doesn't like it then so be it. Given your bereavement it's even more important that you put your family's needs above your friend's opinions.

I can imagine that you have a complicated relationship with your friend and feel somehow responsible for her, but unfortunately she's unlikely to change now if she didn't when everyone else distanced themselves from her. In fact, she could become ever more set in her ways. Anyway, you and your children are not responsible for her, and in fact, it could be argued that by putting up with her, you're giving her the message that she's not the problem "well Scout has known me forever and she's never complained about..."

Why?

I wouldn't think it inappropriate if my SIL invited my dd for a walk. Or my best friend, whom dd calls auntie.

I think the difference here is that the "friend" doesn't respect normal boundaries when they're all together, so who knows what she's be saying to the children when OP isn't there

Listen to your gut. Previously she was just an auntie to your kids, and now she's overstepping the boundary, and trying to parent them (and you).

Put in boundaries. Don’t be available everyone she calls or respond to her calls. If she says something you don’t like, respond, and tell her. Stop being polite, even if it means hurting her feelings.

Maybe she’s been overbearing to her siblings children, so they withdrawn their level
if contact. It doesn’t mean you have to make up the difference.

You are not being silly.

The same as she says for everything “I didn’t do anything” her sister said they could have a distant relationship still if she apologised but she wouldn’t. She hasn’t told me most of what happened but knowing her she definitely would have gone too far. She was devastated she couldn’t see her nieces and nephews but she wouldn’t admit it and so hasn’t seen them or had a relationship with them for years.

Hmmmm I understand very annoying.

But it seems to come from a good place, ie: wanting to help?

Honestly if it's annoying you too much I'd find a way to manage the situation, ie: maybe when she says these things just call her out and say it's ok I got this, you're a guest no need to worry yourself about the kids.

Unless of course you want to end a 38 year old friendship over this which I'm sure many on here will say you should do. But I reckon she won't change so either suck it up or cut her off entirely but if you like her and want to stay friends you might just have to roll your eyes and do some counting when she's annoying.

I would be careful about this. If she is so pushy, she could undermine you during the tricky teen years and you really don’t need that. She wasn’t there when you needed her all those years ago. Her own family don’t bother with her for a reason. Does it feel like you at being used in some way?

There was a thread here recently which this one reminds me of. The OP's children were teens and her old friend decided to tell them lots of personal stories about OP as a teen and young adult. It included things that the OP had specifically said she didn't want her children to know about.
The old friend definitely felt that she knew best when it came to the other OP's children.

It doesn’t matter if it ‘comes from a good place’ because the impact on others is the same whether it comes from a good place or not. Also, all her other friends and her siblings appear to have cut her off. That’s not coincidence or bad luck. If someone has alienated everyone in her life except one friend, that someone is the problem, not the people around her.

Personally, I don’t think any adult should be messaging their mates’ 13-year-olds asking them to go out for walks with her without running it past the child’s parents. I also think the OP’s kids’ behaviour or diet is none of her business. She sounds really pushy and clingy, and quite frankly a bit obsessed with other people’s kids and I would be extremely wary of her.

Unsurprising!

Well you’re not being unreasonable and will definitely need to say something sooner or later as she’s not got any perspective about how she comes across. If the kids aren’t already fed up with her already they soon will be, surely

She's being inappropriate to try to parent over you and you need to set very strong boundaries with her. She's overbearing and thinks she knows better than you, their mom, and this will get worse if you don't stop it. She is using your kids as standins because she's alienated everyone else in her life.

Janet, please don't tell my kids what to do in their own home.

Janet, I'm the parent and I will direct my kids if I see the need, not you.

Janet, don't ask my kids to do things without checking with me first.

Janet, what we eat is not your concern.

Janet, you're overstepping.

If she tries to kick back, just tell her no, she wasn't there when you lost your husband and their dad and she is a friend, not a part of your family.

What someone said ^ about this could be tricky with teens, yes. She says things you know aren't true, like how she helped bring them up. She's trying to force closeness with them.

I'd back off from her.