AIBU to feel my friend is overstepping with my children?

[Scout27]

I have a good friend who I’ve know for 38 years. She can be hard to get along with sometimes and she is very “I’m the best at everything” and so over the years she burnt bridges with family and she is no longer allowed to see her nieces and nephews. Recently I believe she’s stopped seeing most of her other friends and so has been contacting me quite a bit which I don’t mind as I’ve known her so long and she isn’t the same with me as others but she tries to take over when it comes to my kids. Telling them off if they’re messy in my house, asking them if they’ve tidied their rooms and got rid of dishes etc. not when she’s looking after them just when she pops around. She gives me “advice” on how my children’s diets are filled with sugar and she messages my 13 year old and asks her if she wants to go on walks etc. I do believe she is lonely as she does live alone but it makes me a bit annoyed that she tells them off or tells them to do things when I’m actually there. They are really close to her but she is really pushy and I do honestly believe that she thinks she is the one to help me bring them up and I know because of the person she is she will say that she has helped bring them up as I’m a single mum after their dad died. But she wasn’t there when they were younger (they are 10 and 13 now and he died when they were 6 months and 3 years old) when they were younger she was always to busy to see me even after he died. It’s only in the last few years she has appeared more often because she is constantly arguing with and losing friends. Am I being silly? I know she does mean well but sometimes it does feel like is trying to take over and use them as a substitute for her own nieces and nephews she’s not allowed to see.

Very inappropriate that she’s asking your child to go on walks with her.

It sounds like you think a lot more about her feelings than she thinks about yours, or anyone else’s.

What’s her interpretation of no longer having contact with her nieces and nephews?

This could be quite confusing for your children. Think about what you want for them, and if your friend doesn't like it then so be it. Given your bereavement it's even more important that you put your family's needs above your friend's opinions.

I can imagine that you have a complicated relationship with your friend and feel somehow responsible for her, but unfortunately she's unlikely to change now if she didn't when everyone else distanced themselves from her. In fact, she could become ever more set in her ways. Anyway, you and your children are not responsible for her, and in fact, it could be argued that by putting up with her, you're giving her the message that she's not the problem "well Scout has known me forever and she's never complained about..."

Why?

I wouldn't think it inappropriate if my SIL invited my dd for a walk. Or my best friend, whom dd calls auntie.

I think the difference here is that the "friend" doesn't respect normal boundaries when they're all together, so who knows what she's be saying to the children when OP isn't there

Listen to your gut. Previously she was just an auntie to your kids, and now she's overstepping the boundary, and trying to parent them (and you).

Put in boundaries. Don’t be available everyone she calls or respond to her calls. If she says something you don’t like, respond, and tell her. Stop being polite, even if it means hurting her feelings.

Maybe she’s been overbearing to her siblings children, so they withdrawn their level
if contact. It doesn’t mean you have to make up the difference.

You are not being silly.

The same as she says for everything “I didn’t do anything” her sister said they could have a distant relationship still if she apologised but she wouldn’t. She hasn’t told me most of what happened but knowing her she definitely would have gone too far. She was devastated she couldn’t see her nieces and nephews but she wouldn’t admit it and so hasn’t seen them or had a relationship with them for years.

Hmmmm I understand very annoying.

But it seems to come from a good place, ie: wanting to help?

Honestly if it's annoying you too much I'd find a way to manage the situation, ie: maybe when she says these things just call her out and say it's ok I got this, you're a guest no need to worry yourself about the kids.

Unless of course you want to end a 38 year old friendship over this which I'm sure many on here will say you should do. But I reckon she won't change so either suck it up or cut her off entirely but if you like her and want to stay friends you might just have to roll your eyes and do some counting when she's annoying.

I would be careful about this. If she is so pushy, she could undermine you during the tricky teen years and you really don’t need that. She wasn’t there when you needed her all those years ago. Her own family don’t bother with her for a reason. Does it feel like you at being used in some way?

There was a thread here recently which this one reminds me of. The OP's children were teens and her old friend decided to tell them lots of personal stories about OP as a teen and young adult. It included things that the OP had specifically said she didn't want her children to know about.
The old friend definitely felt that she knew best when it came to the other OP's children.

It doesn’t matter if it ‘comes from a good place’ because the impact on others is the same whether it comes from a good place or not. Also, all her other friends and her siblings appear to have cut her off. That’s not coincidence or bad luck. If someone has alienated everyone in her life except one friend, that someone is the problem, not the people around her.

Personally, I don’t think any adult should be messaging their mates’ 13-year-olds asking them to go out for walks with her without running it past the child’s parents. I also think the OP’s kids’ behaviour or diet is none of her business. She sounds really pushy and clingy, and quite frankly a bit obsessed with other people’s kids and I would be extremely wary of her.

Unsurprising!

Well you’re not being unreasonable and will definitely need to say something sooner or later as she’s not got any perspective about how she comes across. If the kids aren’t already fed up with her already they soon will be, surely

She's being inappropriate to try to parent over you and you need to set very strong boundaries with her. She's overbearing and thinks she knows better than you, their mom, and this will get worse if you don't stop it. She is using your kids as standins because she's alienated everyone else in her life.

Janet, please don't tell my kids what to do in their own home.

Janet, I'm the parent and I will direct my kids if I see the need, not you.

Janet, don't ask my kids to do things without checking with me first.

Janet, what we eat is not your concern.

Janet, you're overstepping.

If she tries to kick back, just tell her no, she wasn't there when you lost your husband and their dad and she is a friend, not a part of your family.

What someone said ^ about this could be tricky with teens, yes. She says things you know aren't true, like how she helped bring them up. She's trying to force closeness with them.

I'd back off from her.

Why do you put up this? If it’s coming from pity that everyone else has cut her off for being a rude, overbearing pain in the arse, I don’t think that’s a good reason. There’s a good reason no one wants her around berating their children!

Knowing her a long time isn’t a good reason either. Who the hell does she think she is?

Do your kids go along with her orders or do they think it’s weird that someone who isn’t their mum and doesn’t live with them is telling them to tidy their room?

I wouldn’t tolerate it, from anyone, so I’m mainly confused as to why you do. She’s rude.

She's not a friend.

She's undermining you as a parent and scolding your children

Wtf does she think she is?

I would cut her off.

If you don't want to tell her that she's significantly overstepping boundaries and has no right to question or lecture your children on their bahaviour or diet.

Tell her that unless this dramatically changes, you won't be maintaining the friendship.

Your children will thank you for it.

Your children are what matter - not her loneliness or inflated sense of importance.

Tell her when she doesn’t that overstepping is why she has been excluded from other people lives, it seems she is not self aware and your going to be stuck with her being overbearing if your too nice. Take a breath and do the the conversation sandwich… say how lovely it is to be reconnecting with a life long friend etc, then tell her what you don’t want her to do and your rules about the kids. Then end it by asking if she’s on the same page with a big smile and make her lunch and move on. If she reacts badly say goodbye and don’t look back friendships are about caring for other people feelings and if she lacks that she’s going to create major problems and damage your kids.
do not let her try and create a close personal relationship with your daughter because your going to have to be the bad guy a lot and she should not going to your friend discussing your relationship, especially as you know she won’t have your back and thinks she knows better.

i reconnected with a school friend it was great, then I noticed she was quite happy to take from me. We were going for breakfast after the school run and she sent me a link for a place to go, it was a 40 mile drive each way!! And she doesn’t drive. Then I picked her up and she asked me to drive to the next town so she could get weighed at her diet group.
never offered to pay for petrol then I start dropping her daughter at nursery, picking her son up from school 🤦🏻‍♀️ then when I wanted to have a moan she would tell me how lucky I was that my kids went to their dads every other weekend… they have the same dad and she has 3 with 3 different men. I have severely disabled children and took her son out as well, he then broke a tv in my house when handing off the bunk bed so I asked her to replace it, she never talked to me again. I’m better off

Sounds exactly like a relative of my step DIL. Overbearing know-all, helpful but full of unsolicited advice, you couldn’t get a word in. All her other friends and relatives had cut contact. At big family meals people used to say “ Please don’t sit me next to X”. Eventually she was fired off and they don’t see her anymore. . You need to work on strategies to reduce contact.

And I am so sorry for your terrible loss when your children were so young. 🌺

You’ll have to be blunt with her and explain this is not appropriate as she sounds like she is self absorbed and will not take the hint.

think about your kids here, not your friend.
They have their mums mate bossing them about in their own home and effectively undermining your parenting. It’s not teaching them to respect you and it’s not showing them healthy boundaries with others .

Yes, it feels a bit sinister to me.

What is she saying to your children when she has them alone?

Imagine she's there with open arms and ready to have them move in with her when you tell them off kids are vaping or want to hang out at the park at 11pm and you won't let them, or whatever stupid shit teenagers are into these days.

I think you have to take this seriously, OP. The fact that she's managed to fall out with everyone she knows is extremely alarming.

I understand you don't each to jiffy throw away a long friendship, so maybe start seeing her away from the house/DC, and definitely spot check your children's devices to see what's being said.

I think you need to have a boundary-setting conversation. I would let her know that she is intrusive and not helping, and this kind of behaviour pushes people away.

@Scout27

I had a friend who was a bit this way but not quite as intrusive as your friend appears to be. She was always a bit bossy and know it all, but she was also a kind, supportive, and caring friend so I just shrugged it off. But after she had her child she became the expert in 'all things child'. Even though my eldest DC was older than her child she knew all about what he should/should not be doing, even though she hadn't yet had a child of that age. And although her DC was older than DC2, she never considered that with my younger DC, I had the experience of raising DS1 to guide me and didn't need her 'advice.

Advice given directly to me I simply ignored. But if she told my DC to do/not do something in my home or when we were out together that I felt was out of order, I simply and calmly countermanded it, right in front of her. If she told my DC to do something/not do something I'd just say lightly "Mum's the boss here, you carry on as you were" or words to that effect. She would look a little gobsmacked, but never carried it any further. If we were in her house, it was her rules, as long as she used an appropriate tone of voice and language.

Bottom line, if you don't like what she's saying/bossing your DC, simply countermand her.

Massively overstepping, she's looking for a role in their lives that gives her some authority, this doesn't exist, and you need to make it clear that she can't order your kids about and you don't need her help.

Yes, deeply inappropriate to ask a minor to go on a walk with her without speaking to her parents. Let’s be honest, that’s grooming type behaviour.

“Mum's the boss here, you carry on as you were" or words to that effect.”

I like this.

Book yourself a hair appointment, or spar day, or week in the Maldives, and leave her to it as she seems to keen to parent them!