For siding with DH over argument with DSS

[OrbitOwl2026]

I know what some people are like about step parents on here but I need advice as I'm stuck between DSS and DH

DSS is 14, his mum passed away when he was 3 and I started dating DH when he was 7. So he lives with us FT obviously, and we all get along well the majority of the time but a lot of the time lately DH and DSS have been butting heads and having little falling outs, SS has been acting out at school a bit too which we've put down to puberty but have tried to nip in the bud (DH works at his school too)

DSS is very into makeup, he has been for years at first it was just nails painted but for his birthday in January he asked us for a make up set which we happily got for him and he's pretty good at it now.

Some family have been judgemental like DSS’s brother and his late mums family saying they cant believe they let DSS walk around like that, BIL has said to DH on multiple occasions how “at least he has 2 other boys to try again wjth” and asked what he'll do “when” DSS comes out as gay which DH shuts down straight away and has said he doesn't care if DSS is gay

Anyway the issue, DSS is going on a school trip tomorrow which is non uniform and he tells us he's going go wear makeup (which is a big thing as he's only gone out to families houses with it on not out in public apart from to a concert), DH instantly says he's not and how he'll be ridiculed and it'll ruin his trip, they argued back and forth and DSS says he won't go at all then and said DH is just embarrassed of him as he works at his school. DH told him to do what he wants but don't cry to him when someone says something to him, DSS has gone to his room and is refusing to talk to DH or me for “siding with him”

DH has said to me he knows not everyone will be nice to him and they'll be similar to BIL/other family members especially some of the louder boys In his year (year 9)

DH does try with him and his interests, they have a shared interest of F1 but he also tries with other interests and went with DSS to see harry styles and DSS was wearing makeup then so I don't think the makeup is the issue

I feel stuck between them and I don't think I am BU to side with DH but also how do I help them see each others pov

It’s a fine line but ultimately kids can be absolutely viscous so I’m with you and Dh on this

Kids can be awful, I don’t think you and DH are wrong for being worried about his classmates potential reaction, however if your DSS feels strongly about it then let him go dressed/made up how he pleases. The culture around makeup is changing and there are so many boys that wear it now. The reactions from his classmates may not be as terrible as you worry about.

Only one way to find out though, and if you sit him down and explain that the knee jerk ‘no’ reaction to him was out of love and wanting to keep him protected and why, but if it’s what he really wants to do you have no issue with him wearing it; it should be fine.

Your DH has handled this badly. You and both right to be concerned but the approach is not to “ban” it and then get into an argument. This is not a thing that needs a rule at all. Ultimately it’s up to your DSS what he does here, but I would have been looking to talk your concerns through with him (kindly) about how the other children might react, and whether he had considered this and how he might feel if the other children were unkind/bullying. Then help him come to his own decision.

It very much sounds like your DH went in with his own feelings/fear front and centre. He needs to take a.step back before doing that, regulate himself and give himself time to think about how he wants to approach it. Parenting teenagers is emotional and cognitively difficult and you need to make sure you are thinking about how you want to handle things before ploughing straight in. You also need to check your emotions and why you are reacting to something the way you are before ploughing in.

The only person who can get hurt here is DSS, and currently there is now a wedge between him and you both. So future wearing makeup does hovering and he has an awful time of it (and godforbid ongoing bullying as a result) he is unlikely to feel he can come to you for support as his dad has basically told him not to.

If I had made this error I would go and apologise, and explain that you were reacting out of your fears that there would be a bad outcome for him and that wasn’t right. Then ask if you can talk about it again as you are worried for him. Apart from allowing you a redo on this issue it will also model repair after conflict which is essential for your DSS having good healthy relationships as an adult.

Parenting a teen is not like parenting a child, they should have much more autonomy than a young child. You can’t just forbid everything that makes you uncomfortable. Although there’ll of course be some rules, there should be much more guidance and discussion over things where they can have autonomy gradually letting out the reins as they move towards adulthood. Working out how to do that and when to do that is the huge challenge.

Good luck.

PS You talking about “arguments” and “getting on” and “taking sides” does suggest that your and your DHs focus and perspective is wrong here. Yes, you should have some rules and be consistent about enforcing those, but you should also be looking to provide security, safety and guidance, and make sure you are adjusting your approach as he ages. You are not his friend, you are a parent and mentor to your child.

His peers are probably a lot less rigid in their expectations than the adults in his life.

Your dss is 14, he probably knows this will be a thing for some at school, though probably less than extended family. Remember he’s not at school when we were, things have improved in lots of areas of the country.

Yes, it is true that some kids can be vicious. But, not all kids. My teen dd and ds have both got gay and bi friends. It’s not really a big deal. DD has a boy in her friendship group who will wear make up very much like Cyrus Vyessi (who is all over TikTok and Instagram).

But this is a really tricky one because you and DH both know how awful people can be. You’ve got it in your own family with your BIL which is a very big problem.

Another way of looking at this is that DSS’s choice might be risky but life is about taking risks. And being on a school trip, in some ways, is controlling some of that risk. Fact is, he’s going to be going out wearing make up at some point by the sounds of it. Why not in the relative safety of a school trip?

Oh and we are on holiday at the moment in the US. Went into Sephora yesterday, a good few male make up advisors working there. And lots of males between the ages of 14-30 browsing the make up and skincare. The male skincare and beauty business is big money and will only get bigger.

Don't your DSS's friends already know he wears make up sometimes out of school. I imagine he knows a lot more about the tolerance or otherwise of his peers and it's his call, not yours or his dad's.

For me, in these types of situations you just need to pick a team - and that team should generally be your sons.

What I mean is - he will do this no matter what. These days (and thankfully so) you can't really shame or tease people into hiding who they are, because it will come out eventually.. at university, online, etc. He will find his group and express himself as he wants to, regardless of whether you like it or not.

The question is, are you in the team that support him and back him, or are you in the team that views this as an embarrassing/shameful/bad thing.

From reading your post it seems to me like you do really want to accept and support him, but you are just worried about the other students - but "banning" it, in the eyes of a teenager can put you in the same camp as the same students you are worried about being mean to him.

Personally, I would just put the reality of the situation to him in really plain terms:

• if he wants to do this, some people will be mean to him, and he needs to be tough enough to handle that and push back against it. (of course you will support him and be at his back)
• if he thinks he isn't ready yet to do that, then keep it low-key and private for now, and maybe he can find other venues to express himself more (and of course you will support him and help him)

But ultimately the choice of which path is up to him, and he needs to live with the consequences. But he knows that either choice, you are there behind him.

He should probably start with light make up to start with and continue from there. Mt DD17 is at art college and no one would bat an eyelid so it’s not unusual IMO