My wife was my childhood best friend, and I feel like I lost that part of her after we got married. Am I overthinking this?

[Marvick]

My wife and I have known each other since school. Best friends, the kind where she knew literally everything about me and I knew everything about her. Two years ago we both got out of long relationships around the same time (her a 10-year one, me a shorter one) and started leaning on each other more coffee, dinners, staying over at each other's places. I'm not going to pretend I never found her attractive, because I did. One night after a party we hooked up, neither of us regretted it the next morning, and here we are married three months ago after dating for two years.I work in finance, she's a private client manager for a luxury jewelry brand, so she travels 4-5 days a month for work. I've had to cancel plans on her 3 times in the last 3 months because of this l not a huge deal on its own.

Here's what's actually bothering me she's changed. Not in a dramatic way, nothing's "wrong" with the marriage we love each other, we still do date nights, trips, all of it. But she doesn't laugh at my dumb jokes the way she used to. I don't feel as safe just word-vomiting to her like I did when we were just friends. She's stricter, more guarded. I don't know if this is her feeling like there's less room for "mistakes" now that we're married, or if she genuinely thinks being that open with me isn't good for the marriage anymore.

She's also started pushing back on my spending nothing crazy, just normal purchases. I make around 250k, she makes around 230k, so it's not like we're tight on money. I get we're saving for a house before we start a family and I respect that, but it's starting to feel less like teamwork and more like I need permission.

Last night we were at a dinner hosted by one of her clients. I stepped away for a bit to give her space while she talked business. On the drive home she was cold and said I was "avoiding her" and it was "unnecessary" to do that at her client's house.

I don't know if I'm just being sensitive, or if something actually shifted between the version of her I fell in love with as a friend and the version I married. Anyone else go through this transition from best-friendship into marriage and come out the other side okay?

You were at her clients house and went and sat somewhere else away from them? Like by yourself? Or like the clients husband said "hey let's leave them to business, come and have a drink" ?

Because if you just walked off in her clients house when you'd been invited for dinner that's incredibly rude. And you've cancelled on her 3 times recently. Rude.

I imagine she's realising that she didn't mind that you were unreliable and abit of a twat when you were friends. But now she's married to you she realises it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

Some people are fantastic friends but not relationship material.

How old are you both?

Perhaps the two of you haven’t blended as a couple yet. Best friends are individuals. You can see your best friend spend 1k on a gold toilet roll and think it’s hilarious, laugh at them and with them, no harm done.
If it’s your husband doing that, it’s very different. It’s acting outside team goals. It has implications for your future.

Could she have become impatient with you, because you are still acting like an individual? As though your behaviour doesn’t impact her? Are you disappointing her in some way so she’s pulling back to protect herself? And actually protecting you from her disappointment/anger/frustration? If someone isn’t listening when you explain things that are bothering you, it gets wearisome very fast and you pull back.

Obviously those are just possibilities. I don’t know what’s going on for you both.

Im sure a man working in finance and earning 250K knows what etiquette applied in this situation.

OP i dont mean this in a mean way just stating some facts:
She exited a 10 year relationship 2 years ago. And then immediately got with you. Maybe you were the safe pair of hands rebound who she knew reliably fancied her, and now shes regretting having moved so fast. Have you spoken to her about it?

Yes. This. Also worrying references to ‘word-vomit’ and ‘dumb jokes’. I’m not clear why you mention her work travel if it’s not an issue, OP.

Respectfully, if you don’t realise what a significant difference there is between being someone’s childhood best friend and being married to them, it’s hard to know where to go with this. One of the obvious things is that, even if you don’t share finances in the sense of pooling all moneys, you’re saving for a house, so finances are joint. She clearly thinks your spending is irresponsible, and that your behaviour at the client dinner left something to be desired. I’m also interested in how old you both are, because you sound very young, yet she’s old enough to have been in a ten-year relationship.

And yes to some people being fantastic friends and awful spouses. I have a lovely friend who is an excellent person to be friends with, but should never have got married and had children because he’s awful at it.

I'm confused why you had to cancel on her because of her work travel?

So little to go on here. I think it’s common to feel a bit of an anti climax after a wedding. Could it just be that?

Do you think it’s possible you’re self sabotaging the relationship? The examples you give are quite mild. Have you looked into attachment styles at all?

Or marriage may feel like a new demand / pressure for you, if you’re sensitive to that stuff.

You both have failed relationships in your pasts. Have you both processed and understood what happened in those relationships? Because if you haven't, if the narrative for both of you is that it was the partner's 'fault', you are pretty much doomed to fuck up again.

In a way the child friendship is a bit of a red herring. You are adults with serious jobs who are married.

Are you trying to have heart-to-heart talks and being pushed away? What has she said about how things are for her at the moment? Are you discussing kids?

She's grown up and you haven't maybe.

We both are 30 year old!!

Actually, I was talking to someone else. I wasn't sitting alone, but I did keep a bit of distance. I had a short chat with the client's husband. There were around 10–12 people there.

It’s interesting that you work in finance, but she is the one managing your joint finances. It also sounds from your post like she’s doing the joint planning and organising too - it’s telling that you have cancelled on her 3 times recently not rescheduled the plan.

I’d add to that that anecdotally, among the couples who I know who have split up, a huge percentage split because of unequal domestic workload. Men don’t seem to see it as an issue, and think of it as minor, until they find themselves single.

This would absolutely fit with the pattern that you have noticed of her becoming more guarded and less lighthearted and more critical if a larger percentage of the weight of your joint marriage is on her shoulders.

So, id suggest you sit down with her and ask her really clearly outright whether she thinks that the workload in your marriage is equally split? Does she believe that you are pulling your weight. And then address the things that she raises.

I get the impression this is American, they have much higher salaries.

Name change fail.

Look, we were together for three years before getting married, including one year when nothing physical happened, so it's not like our relationship was rushed or we didn't know each other well before marriage.

Honestly, everything is still pretty much the same. We still spend a lot of time together, talk about everything, laugh, and enjoy each other's company. The only real difference is her reactions and the way she handles certain situations. I don't mean she's become a different person or that it's a bad change. It's more that she now approaches things from the perspective of being a wife. She thinks more about responsibilities, planning for the future, and making practical decisions instead of reacting the way she did when we were just dating.

We still talk a lot. She just feels that now we're married, we have responsibilities toward each other and our future. We've already talked about having kids, but probably not for another two years. So overall, our relationship hasn't changed much it's just become a little more mature and focused on building our life together.

You need to talk to her. Don't make it about you. Have a conversation around being transparent to improve your relationship base by constantly improving and reviewing. Bring your best friend qualities to the table but show her you have grown up too. You just need to re-establish the relationship. It won't be the same .after so long. Manage your expectations. It will however probably be better if you give it a chance.

Okay, I'll be honest here. From the outside, I understand why it might look like we rushed into things, but we really didn't. I just didn't include all of those details in my original post. Also, as her husband, I didn't feel comfortable sharing every detail of her past publicly.

During that one-year gap, my wife had a few rebound relationships with two or three different men. That was her personal life, and I never judged her for it. After a breakup, some people need time and different experiences to rebuild their confidence and self-esteem, and I respected that.

We only started dating once we genuinely developed feelings for each other. It's not like we were both single, met, and immediately got married. We were together for two years before we got married, so from our perspective, it definitely wasn't a rushed relationship.

So overall, our relationship hasn't changed much it's just become a little more mature and focused on building our life together.

And this is a problem?

During that one-year gap, my wife had a few rebound relationships with two or three different men. That was her personal life, and I never judged her for it.

Why would you judge her for it? She didn’t do anything wrong.

I understand this from your wife's perspective. I think it could be to do with the nature of the relationship now- when you were just friends there was less at stake and she related to you as a friend i.e you got the best side of her and only the best side...you saw her when she was in a good mood and doing fun things. Now you're married she may subconsciously feel there is more at stake and/or have some "stuff" she is bringing to the table from her childhood. For example I have noticed that I am often distant and more closed off with my mum and my husband in a way I'm not with my friends. I am bubbly and outgoing with them and laugh a lot more. with my mum I've worked out it's because as a child I didn't always feel she was emotionally safe for me which means I now hold back slightly. And I think this is something I also replicate in my most important intimate relationships (husband).

Could also be a bit of the honeymoon period wearing off.

She just feels that now we're married, we have responsibilities toward each other and our future. We've already talked about having kids, but probably not for another two years. So overall, our relationship hasn't changed much it's just become a little more mature and focused on building our life together.

Sounds like you have a problem with the seriousness of life after marriage tbh. You do have responsibilities towards each other now you're married, especially if you're talking about children. Marriage generally does mean maturity and focusing on the future.

From an outside perspective it sounds like you enjoyed the single / dating life but don't really want a serious relationship.

What exactly did you think would happen when you got married? Why did you get married?

Its hard to track who’s who here as you’ve name changed and they don’t come up in blue anymore@Marvick @Marvickk

Why does her working away a few nights a month mean you cancelled on her!
How long did you sit away from her for?

Yes.

I think this is a you problem. You sound quite immature despite being in your 30s tbh… she’s not laughing at your ‘dumb jokes’ because they are not funny anymore!

People change a lot from their 20s to 30s - sounds like you haven’t and need to grow up.