To feel sad when a friend cancels plans by just ignoring you?

[BlueBayBic]

Was looking forward to meeting with a friend last night, with exact plans tbc. However all day, messages left on ‘read’ and not responded to. Admittedly she was at work and stressed due to current work events, but to ignore my (sporadic) messages for 8+ hours and to still have not replied now is a little bit… cold? I don’t know. Is it too much to send a little “crap day, don’t fancy it now, see you soon” message?

I think if it’s a new friendship, this is where you take a step back. Don’t chase and no need to extract an apology. Just see what happens next. If she reaches out to explain or reschedule, great, if she doesn’t also fine because you now know she’s not a person who will contribute positively to your life. Don’t trying to figure why she has behaved or turn it back on yourself just move on.

This is not a friend. I don't care how busy you are if you want to cancel just text and cancel don't leave the other person hanging.

Poor show.

Find a new friend.
X

Not sad . Bloody rude

That’s very rude! Would have taken her one minute to reply saying “can’t make it but thanks for thinking of me!” As you say, then someone else could have had the opportunity and it wasn’t a wasted ticket.

Well obviously you feel sad. That’s not normal. That’s like saying “AIBU for feeling betrayed when my partner cheated on me”. Ghosting you is not a way to cancel plans.

She really isn't a friend, she's shown you who she is. It doesn't take much for a quick message can't make it. To go silent is appalling.

She’s not a friend if she doesn’t value you even enough to spend 20 seconds typing ‘sorry stuck at work’ or ‘feeling unwell’.

Extremely rude and not much of a friend if she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge and cancel.

Thank you everyone

She could be dead in a ditch.
OP needs to check she’s OK, before judging her.

I have no way to check this.

Seems unlikely if she’s read all of OP’s messages.

Yeah, that's rubbish Op.

My friend had a BBQ last week. There were about 20 people going. I was travelling back from my Dad's funeral 330 miles away. By the time I got home, I was so drained, I just couldn't muster up the energy for the BBQ. I sent a text to explain, and said I was really sorry. It takes less than a minute!

Sorry for your loss

You’re not unreasonable to be upset if that’s what has happened, but my first assumption would be that “oh no something awful must have happened to her” and I’d be trying to find out that’s she okay.

Then if she is in fact fine and just ignoring you, go really overboard about how it’s so worrying because that’s obviously not how normal (polite) people behave!

She’s not your friend.

I can’t text at work but I can sometimes read messages to see if it’s important and if not I’ll respond later.

I would understand that she couldn’t respond during her working hours but there’s no excuse to not send you a quick text after work and apologise to say she’s not coming.

I wouldn’t even bother telling her how hurt you are etc.
Just completely ignore her from this point onwards.

Unless something really major has happened (i.e. someone had died or been taken to hospital), she is not your friend. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t respect you.

I agree, that’s damned rude ignoring you.

Agree.
Block, ignore, move on with your life

It takes seconds to drop a "under it, sorry can't make tonight" text

Yes it's awful. I had a friend who did that a lot. She was hugely flaky and I think she liked the idea of going out but nearer the time couldn't be bothered to get ready and leave the house. Not so bad if she was meeting us in a group as we'd just carry on without her but if it was one to one I'd be left hanging thinking is this happening or not.

The most irritating thing was that she would just go radio silent and stop answering messages. If I managed to get hold of her on the phone (the days of land lines!) she'd say oh, I was just about to call you, I'm feeling a bit under the weather ... But if not she'd just ignore. Another friend got annoyed about it and had a go at her. She said "I was afraid you'd be cross with me for not coming". Well, it's not as annoying as not telling someone you aren't coming and leaving them hanging around like a limp dick.

It's avoidant behaviour and it's selfish. I know someone will pop up and say mental health, be understanding blah blah. But it can do a number on the mental health of the poor friend left rejected and ignored!

Drop her (from a great height!) She's no friend.

I wouldn't be initiating another plan. Let her drive this friendship if she wants to. This sort of communication wouldn't work for me. I can understand you feeling deflated.

Did she answer a message before you sent another? Unless it was a very close friend I wouldn't double message.

I hope you have other more reliable friends. Sadly some people do behave like this. I wouldn't take it personally but equally I wouldn't sign up for more of this.

I don’t care if someone cancels on me, I care about being stood up. I actually fell out with one of my oldest friends over her standing me up when we had gone massively out of our way to accommodate her. She never did mention it. Last I heard she just said she had ‘missed us’ last time. No.

The messages have been read so she isn't dead in a ditch.

It takes 30 seconds to cancel. If something had come up at work she could have done that, or if she was ill, or a family member was ill etc.

If something terrible had happened like a sudden death in the family or a serious car accident where someone had ended up in ICU you can understand her not replying to the OP.

It's unlikely to be that though. People have just become really flaky these days.

I'm sure people generally never used to be so rude. People not replying to texts and emails. Tradesmen not replying to voice messages. Businesses not replying to job applicants. Maybe it's just general overwhelm and the chaotic vibe of modern life?