Friends messages are bringing me down

[Hotelbedsarethecomfiest]

I feel guilty but It’s affecting me now
I have a friend and we are in v similar situations-awful marriages and children who have been ill.
She can be supportive, but often when I’ve been really down she’ll say she’ll get back to me on my messages or I just won’t hear from her for days, then she will message like nothing has happened.
When she is struggling (which is a lot and I get that as it’s similar for me) she’ll send lengthy rants all day long, I understand she’s offloading but it’s a lot. It often starts early morning, so I wake up the latest upset. I give lots of advice and lengthy replies and try to help. She will ask how are you? in the middle of all the messages. When I reply with my own issues, it’s often a couple of sentences then back to hers.
I’m taking some time of work due to stress and depression and plan to temporarily come off social media etc until September and just really try to sit with my feelings, have quiet mornings in the garden. I need to keep Whatsapp for my parents but otherwise i’d get rid of that too.
I feel guilty and want to help but have so much going on and am starting to feel uneasy with it

What do I do?

id probably have to tell her I’m taking a step back from my phone and won’t be as available and then I’d put my phone off or on silent somewhere and only check it at certain times. Then give replies which are very short and cut off the conversation- ‘I’m very sorry you’re having a bad day- hope it picks up’ then don’t reply again.

If you don’t want to be more direct you could phase it out. At the moment she expects instant replies and support from you. Start not replying for a few hours and keep your reply brief. Then don’t reply for a few days eventually she will get bored as she doesn’t get the instant feedback she wants.

ultimately you are currently prioritising her needs over your own at the detriment of your health. Is that ok?

Yes you’re right and I think if it was returned in the same way, it wouldn’t be as bad, just feels overwhelming and a bit selfish

Maybe say you are having the school summer holiday detox from your phone for your wellbeing and not to expect replies as won’t be checking phone regularly

Totally get it. Had a similar experience with someone who would bombard me with text and then disappear for long swathes of time and show little interest in my life.

it took me getting unwell for me to stop entertaining it as I had to cut back on anything that was having a negative effect on my mental and emotional state. It’s very freeing but it’s difficult if you are used to her support too . Sounds like the pay off is more than the reward though.

I am going through mental health struggles too and what I am learning is in order to recover and regain your resilience and ability to support others, you absolutely really do need to prioritise yourself.

She is unfortunately overloading your cup which is already too full. Your brain literally needs you right now to do what you have said and step back from this mental load so you can recover.

You are doing the right things to recover. I had to step back from someone too, all they ever spoke about was their issues and I just couldnt handle it at all. You will get better if you give yourself time and care x

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. Does it have any depth other than messaging each other about struggling? Sometimes these dynamics in general make your situation worse. Maybe you would both be better off stepping away from the friendship. It doesn’t sound much fun.

Aside to this, I never understand people ‘coming off what’s app’. Genuinely- isn’t it just a messaging app? How is it similar to social media? I think I’m missing something

I have a friend like this! Only interested in other people’s lives when theres drama/problems otherwise she only talks about herself and the latest drama in her life that she has caused. All my other friends detest her and i keep her at arm’s length. People like this have a negative effect on your mental health and life in general.

I think I’m just feeling a need to disconnect from
messages and bombardment and the outside world a bit-hard to explain

It sounds like she drains your energy because she's a taker and you're doing all the giving. It's an unequal relationship. If you can be honest about it with her, let her know that you're struggling with not being able to rely on her for support all while she expects it from you.

If she's not receptive, I would probably distance myself and match my interest in her with her interest in me.

‘Sorry X, I’m not capable of helping you right now. I have to prioritise myself.’