AIBU to hate DH wolf-whistling at me?

[Bupcake]

With the warmer weather, I’ve been wearing more in the way of short skirts and low-cut tops than usual. Nothing racy, just typical hot weather clothing. Every time I come into the room wearing something a bit “skimpy”, DH wolf-whistles at me. I HATE it and have told him so; he tries not to do it so much but sometimes “forgets”.

However, he thinks it’s weird that I don’t like it - his view is that we’re married and it’s good that he finds me sexy. I just find it all a bit cringeworthy and don’t like feeling that that’s how he’s looking at me.

Leaving aside the fact that he hasn’t stopped doing it (though doesn’t do it anywhere near as much as he used to), is it weird that I dislike it?

Thank you - this sums up how I feel. I don’t want to feel objectified when I’m trying to put the shopping away; I want him to bloody help!

Surely looking elsewhere is more likely to happen if a partner is offended by the guy indicating that he finds her sexually attractive. Sounds like the death nell for a relationship.

Exactly

Fair enough that you want help, but how is he “objectifying” you by finding you sexy? You’re not an object to him, you’re his wife. You’re going through menopause and gaining weight and it hasn’t made a difference to him finding you attractive. This is an objectively good thing.

Did you ever see “Dune”? (Yes, I know it’s a book first. I didn’t read the book.) In “Dune,” a guy from the desert planet spits on the ground next to a guy from a different planet, and this second guy is offended. That’s an insult where the second guy comes from. On the desert planet, however, spitting near someone is a sign of respect because it means you find them worthy of sacrificing some of the moisture in your body – moisture being rare on the desert planet. The guy from the desert planet isn’t insulting the second guy, he’s showing him a sign of respect.

Your husband is “spitting” (whistling) at you, and on your “planet,” that means, “This woman is a sex object for my gratification.” But maybe that’s not what it means on your husband’s “planet.” Maybe on your husband’s “planet,” it means, “I love this woman so much and I think that among her many good qualities, she’s gorgeous and sexy.”

The question is why you’re interpreting this in the worst way possible. Is there some relevant history here?

This is very well put. I feel like OP but can’t explain why I don’t like it. I just want to be a person washing up. I don’t want to be a sex doll

I think this is a you problem. I would find it weird that you dont seem to be comfortable that he fancies you. It would be an odd relatinoship (although not impossible) for a married couple to be together and not fancy each other. Nothing wrong with it if they dont, but its unusual, surely you fancy him too dont you?

Of course he's eyeing you up!! Why wouldnt or shouldnt he, you're his wife!!

Ah yes the old ‘accept things you don’t like in your relationship or he will cheat on you’ mantra.

wonderful

She needs to be more worried if he doesn’t!

I should add that I do understand this at least a little, although with me and my husband it was postpartum, not menopause. I felt weird and gross and had no interest in sex, and I felt annoyed that he kept bringing up the topic. Then one day he told me, “I just miss you. I miss how close to you I feel when we have sex, and I miss that intimacy. I just want my wife back.”

I think sometimes women spend so much time telling ourselves that sex doesn’t always mean anything emotional to men, that we miss when it does mean something emotional to men.

If the partner doesn’t like sex, or being admired sexually by her husband than yes!

😂😂

Jesus!!

Well from OPs posts, its her that she doesnt like, she is the one who needs to fall in love with herself. She needs to fix that.
Its not attractive to be self loathing, he'll certainly get the iick with that I would have thought.

Men are very emotional when it comes to sex, more so than women a lot of the time. Its how they bond with us.

Well yeah if you don’t like sex then maybe a relationship isn’t for you. Unless in the rare cases where both are in agreement.

He’s your husband, not some random in the street. I don’t really understand why being found attractive by one’s own partner is ‘objectifying’.

What if he said “You look gorgeous” or “You look really good in that top / those jeans?” Would that be a problem for you?

It sounds as if you’re basically just annoyed that a man you’re meant to be in sexual relationship with, who is supposed to find you attractive, likes the way you look.

If he was groping you or something, obviously that would be different. But I think it’s a problem in a relationship if you’re annoyed or disgusted or feel objectified by a simple expression of your partner’s attraction to you.

You sound like you dislike your husband, dislike yourself even more, and are outright appalled at the notion of sexual attraction within a marriage. I think if I felt like that in my relationship I’d be looking at divorce, therapy or both, because to me that sounds incredibly bleak.

Agreed.

Also, if Person A says “I don’t want sex because I hate my body and feel like I’m not attractive” but then also when Person B tries to reassure them that they actually ARE very attractive, Person A say “How dare you objectify me by telling me that?” I don’t think Person B is the problem. I think Person A has essentially opted out of having a normal and functional marriage and giving Person B no choice in the matter.

I wouldn't like it either, and I would wonder what he gets out of it that is more important than the knowledge that it upsets you and makes you uncomfortable. He's said it's for your benefit, it's to show his approval of the way you look, so when you've made it very clear that it's not accomplishing that and is in fact pretty much doing the opposite, why persist?

My personal reasons for not liking it is that it is a practice and a tactic that are widely used to denigrate women, intimidate women, and keep women in their "place". The fact that some women say they don't mind it or even like it, or that they've reclaimed the wolf whistle as a positive affirmation within their specific personal relationship, doesn't change that. And those instances of woman saying it's OK or positive are further weaponised to legitimise the practice in general - see, for example, the episode of King of Queens where Leah Remini's character Carrie is feeling old and fat so she walks by the construction site several times a day because the whistles make her feel better about her looks. Maybe when we achieve true equality between the sexes and women aren't at disproportionate risk to their safety and well-being from men, I'll reconsider. Until then, hold the whistles - and the transparent DARVO manosphere pop psychology.

I dont think there is any doubt about why the divorce rates are what they are reading this clap trap

Agree with this post 100%

OP has no doubt got the babies she wanted and now wants to shut up shop…

I would dislike it too but not as much as the winking which I find creeps me out whoever does it . 😅 It makes me shudder !

If he says “You look lovely” or whatever, that’s fine, and I don’t feel uncomfortable with that. There’s just something specific about the wolf whistle which I don’t like. It doesn’t feel like a compliment to me.

When I say I can’t be bothered with sex half the time, I don’t mean that we don’t do it. We do, usually a couple of times a week. But I’m on medication which reduces my libido and means that I don’t get any pleasure from sex; I do it because DH wants to, and other than the fact that he’d prefer to do it more often, he’s happy with that.

We generally have a good relationship; we enjoy being together and we like and love each other.

Speak for yourself. That is a gross generalisation of both men and women.

Wow you must be unbelievably stunning op.

Seriously though this is so odd to me. He's your DH not a random van driver

I think the problem with a wolf whistle is to me it feels lazy when it comes from a partner.
I would prefer a comment like wow, or you look great, or you look sexy, or …….
A wolf whistle is just so generic, it’s what the twats down the caf do to any passing woman.
It is not sexy to the receiver really.

Oh dear - we wolf whistle at each other through the ring doorbell…difference is, I suppose, we do it to each other as a sign we fancy each other.