AIBU to think that we’ve become ships that pass in the night and not know what to do

[Tribecka]

DH and I have been together for 10 years and have one DD, aged 5. There’s nothing acrimonious or toxic about our relationship, we get along fine. He’s a good dad and shares the mental and “physical” load (chores, bedtimes) etc. We have the odd minor disagreement but nothing of any real consequence.

The problem is, we’ve effectively become ships that pass in the night since DD was born. Evenings are taken up with bedtime, bath, getting ready for the next day, tidying up. We usually get an hour of TV before I go to bed. DH doesn’t go as early as me so he generally stays up for a couple of hours either watching stuff he wants to watch, reading, or catching up on work.

We generally socialise separately, him with his friends, me with mine, while the other does childcare. We do have family time on a weekend, days out, etc but that’s with DD. Similarly, holidays are with DD in the same room.

Intimacy has reduced and is getting less and less. I’m not too bothered about sex but it’s almost like we’ve fallen out of the habit. That’s now spilling over into everyday stuff like hugs, etc. We’re increasingly just two people working on a project - bringing up DD - rather than a couple.

I just want to be clear - there’s no animosity between us, we’re getting on fine, have a good laugh together, etc. I’m also happy, in a broad sense. I just feel we’ve lost something and I’m not sure how to get it back.

AIBU? Any thoughts?

I think this is really common! And it’s worth working on to improve because it sounds like you’re good partners but just need help with getting the spark back.
Can you arrange some evenings out if you have a babysitter? Otherwise if you have a day you both wfh, go for lunch, a coffee, a walk?

Agree with PP. You have loads to build on, don’t let it go. X

It's really common,your dd is still young too. Booking a days annual leave together in the week can really help if you have no childcare for evenings or overnight. You can drop of dc, go for breakfast, go to the cinema, go for a walk together. Or just spend the day in bed like dh and I did recently! It's sometimes the only way you can be adults in a relationship again.

Thank you. That’s what I’m thinking, maybe a night away with grandparents covering, but I think it needs to be regular, not just a one off.

I know it's a bit cringey but you need to organise date nights. Ideally get a babysitter and go out, or if that's really not possible then make a nice dinner at home, put away your phones, have a glass of wine, talk to each other.

This is extremely common after having a child OP. Without recognising it and trying to fix it, it will likely end the relationship. Do what you can to salvage things before it’s too late - find a trustworthy babysitter, go out together, have frequent date-nights, talk about important things, get back into physical touch and sex. Once you fall out of the habit of physical & emotional intimacy, it can be very difficult to get it back. I wasn’t so lucky 😪

@Tribecka you’re not really ships that pass in the night. That’s usually when there are two different work patterns. Days/Nights. Your set-up is actually fairly normal when raising young kids, except for the lacking intimacy.

Could your H come to bed with you - for you know what - and then have his evening watching TV? Also arranging a babysitter one evening a week for you both to head out for dinner or a drink just to chat would be nice for you both. So that’s the chat and sex sorted!