Funeral conundrum

[Smugbadger]

My godmother’s husband has died, after a relatively short illness (a couple of months) - I loved him, and his family are inportant to me.

the funeral has been set for a date where we are scheduled to be in Mexico as a family (with our young children) - an area we know extremely well - and we have invited friends with another two young families to join us. We have rented the villa and are effectively hosting them.

I would like, very much, to be at the funeral - but the financial impact + the impact on my family and our friends who I would be effectively be abandoning for 3 days of a seven day trip - seems too high a price to pay. ..

YABU - fly back and hang the consequences

YANBU - perfectly ok to send flowers and visit family once back

What would your godmother’s husband have said, if you could ask him?

No you can't go...I'd send flowers, apologise profusely and take her out for lunch when you're back

This is really not something random mumsnetters can answer given we have not idea how close you were when you say “close” and the extent and how material the financial implications.

I wouldn’t, but that’s because of MY relationship with my godparents husband (non existent)

Could the funeral be streamed so that you can feel a part of it? If not, speak to Godmother before your holiday, send a condolence card with well-chosen words and flowers.

You send flowers and apologies and enjoy your family holiday. Support godmother when you can .
Life is for living and anybody who criticises you for carrying on with your holiday isn't worth bothering with.

We streamed MILs funeral so elderly/relatives abroad didn't need to travel. It worked well and the celebrant mentioned that some people were joining over a livestream and welcomed them by name.

When my dad died, very suddenly, my bf couldn’t make the funeral due to a family holiday-peak summer time and she had to organise it round the dc’s term times. I absolutely understood. She sent a picture raising a glass of his favourite drink. She’d spent a lot of time at our house growing up and loved my dad. I could not have asked her to be there and it didn’t occur to me, tbh. I think your godmother will understand. Hugs to you for your loss. 🙁

As pp said get funeral crematorium/church to livestream service and then take the relative out for dinner/lunch on your return. Send flowers and card.

Go on the holiday! If they felt strongly that you need to be there they could have arranged the date around your trip.

I think he’d encourage us to enjoy our trip - he was an inveterate traveller

This is true - we weren’t involved in the conversation about dates

There might also be an opportunity to attend a later ceremony such as a headstone unveiling or scattering/interment of ashes.

Write a really thoughtful hand-written letter of condolence and include a paragraph explaining why you can’t attend the funeral. Don’t send flowers unless the funeral notice gives instructions about where to send them (the bereaved are often inundated with flowers and it can be a bit of a burden).

You enjoy your holiday.

Ask whether there will be a livestream link. If they are doing that then you can ask for the link and the password (supplied to the family by the funeral director). Then you can watch wherever you are, even from Mexico.

We livestreamed my Dad's funeral 5 years ago, my DH's funeral in April this year and then my mum's a couple of weeks ago. So I am, unfortunately, quite practised now at this. Livestream works really well for those who can't attend.

Send a card before you go and ensure you make a donation to any charity they are collecting for.

How old are your kids? Will their other parent be there? Can you afford the extra flight? Would the funeral mean a lot to you? I wouldn't discount it; I've missed two very important (to me) funerals recently due to immediate family serious illness. I really had no option to attend. I really wish I had been able to go. I feel sad about it, and each one was a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

My cousin couldn’t make my mum’s funeral as she was on holiday. She found a beautiful church in the mountains and lit a candle for my mum there. She sent a beautiful photo and message. It meant so much.

Light a candle in a church elsewhere. it may be live streamed so you can still be pert of it. Send flowers and a card to your godmother. But just remember him, you don’t need to be there to do that. I have missed a lot of family funerals over the years due to work commitments.

and a few months later check in with godmother as that’s when all the sympathy stuff seems to stop. She will love a chat about old times.

A lot of funerals are now streamed on line, so it maybe that you can 'join' the funeral that way.
If there is a cremation rather than a burial, you could offer to be with your godmother on that day. Or have a special lunch with her when you get back .

I think if you’re not close enough that the family member organising the funeral plans for a date you are in the country then they can’t be offended if you aren’t there. I’ve planned funerals where we set a date specially for a friend or family member who needed to fly in. So I don’t think you should feel guilty, & honestly time spent visiting, checking in and caring once everyone else has got busy and forgotten might be more appreciated.

my husband and children didn't come to my mum's funeral. my husband's sister's husband and children didn't come to his dad's funeral. it doesn't mean that they didn't love them, or mourn them. it meant that there were things going on that took priority. and that's ok. I would do something with your godmother at a later date to party tribute and remember him. and raise a glass while you're on holiday. sorry for your loss.

I am very close to my goddaughter, and she has a wonderful relationship with my husband, but if either of us were to die and the funeral arranged for a time she was on holiday with her family I absolutely would not want her to feel obliged to return for the funeral. Our relationship is far more than her attendance on one day at one time.

My Godfather died last year and his funeral took place when our holidays were booked. I was going to stay behind and follow everyone else out a couple of days later but my Dad (his brother) and my Aunt (Godfather's wife) told me under no circumstances was I do that. If my Godfather was able to tell me he would have told me to go. He loved his holidays so would have definitely put his foot down and insisted I go as planned.

Send flowers and a lovely card and arrange to meet up with your Godmother when you return.

It's unfortunate but these things happen. I had to miss a good friend's funeral recently and I took candles into the garden with DH at the time of the service, and we sang the songs that were in the funeral service and remembered her, then rang her daughter the next day. You might do a little ceremony of your own in Mexico, and send photos afterwards.

That would, to me, make the decision.

This.
Sending flowers isn't helpful at this time.
Having lovely cards or letters telling the bereaved how much you will miss the person, or recounting a memory you have of them will.

Go on the holiday and visit your godmother when you can once you are home.
As you have said previously, you know that is what he would have told you to do.