AIBU to worry my 14-year-old is using cannabis and sneaking out?

[3timesalady3]

ETA:
title entered automatically. My AIBU is to involve the police

am really worried about my 14 year old and don’t know what to do. Separated and exDH is involved but tends to fall in the “lads will be lads” camp and it’s not helping here at all. DS 14 has changed over the last 6 months. Breaking curfews, sneaking out, I’ve found cash in his room that I nor his father have given him, and he often is very grumpy or reactive. My worry is drugs. I am certain I can smell cannabis on him at times but he denies everything with a snigger. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried calm talks, angry talks, explaining how serious it is, but nothing seems to land. I’ve stopped his allowance (which doesn’t seem to phase him), am very anxious to take his phone as then id have no way of tracking him when he sneaks out. School have also expressed concerns saying he’s in with a bad crowd. What do I do? I work long hours so can’t monitor him all the time and have no other family to help. I’m scared, worried and lost. Is the next step talking to police for advice? That’s how worried I am 😥

To add: when I say sneaking out that’s literally what I mean. If I don’t go around locking each door and window and removing the key he sneaks out when I fall asleep 😥

To be honest, the police won’t really do much and it will probably harm your relationship with your son.

Does he have many positive male role models?

No. His dad is fine but very much “lads lads lads” and is not being helpful. thinks I’m over worrying.

The police are very unlikely to help you with this.

there may not be a solution here- it might have to be a “wait and see” situation

I’d be cautious about doing things like involving the police because that could just push him closer to dad

I just don’t know what to do. Stopping his allowance hasn’t had any effect as he’s clearly getting cash from somewhere and won’t tell me. I’ve tried being open, available, non judgemental, angry, he doesn’t care 😥

The last thing I want to do is push him away so I’m glad I asked here and can see involving the police will only lead to that.

@3timesalady3, What is your relationship with your DS like? Do you and he talk about things unrelated to him and his behaviour,
things in general. Do you have conversations, do you have meals together, do things together?

I know teenagers can become closed and unwilling to engage but that doesn’t mean we
should stop trying to engage with them and leave them to their silent, bedroom door closed selves.

Do you know, see his friends?

The sneaking out is obviously very worrying. That he is doing this suggests more than just a phase he will grow out of.

The police won’t offer you the help you would like, but the way DS is going he most might just come into contact with them due to his activities.

This is serious. He seems to be heading towards being a law unto himself and at the age of 14 is untouchable/unreachable to both of his parents.

It is good that you have posted on MN because you do need to have this conversation and hopefully PP with experience and insight will offer support mad sound advice.

Yes you need to talk to School Safeguarding or The Police .. classic County Lines.

And if it is county lines, what can @3timesalady3 do?

If she were to go to the police saying she thinks he is involved with county lines, will the police take it seriously? Hopefully they would.

Until recently I’d have said we have a good relationship. I try and be very open to what he wants to talk about. Now he rarely is home, when he is he doesn’t want to talk, eat meals with me and is snappy and moody (i know this is also hormones). I have also made him know he can bring friends round but had to draw a line recently when so many were coming and I could smell vape smoke and some were simply quite rude to me so I didn’t feel comfortable with them being in our home.

School are already involved, pastoral leads say they share concerns but as he’s not been caught with anything we just have to watch and wait and hope. They made him have a chat with the school nurse who told me he is charming, polite, lovely and open and she had no concerns 🤔🤔

Where does he go when you track him?

Often friends houses, town centre, but lately areas I cannot see any reason for
Him to be in

And when I ask him why are you in X he laughs and hangs up / walks away from me

Call 101 and get advice. Classic county lines and exploitation behaviour. Have you told school about the money? I would be explicitly saying I'm concerned about county lines in every conversation with any professionals

@3timesalady3, at 14 yrs he deserves privacy but you seem to know little about him. Where he is going, if he is vaping, what he is doing when he sneaks out. Some intervention is needed because this will get worse.

You say ExH is ok but blames it on being a lad, is he frightened to get involved or is he really just complacent?

Yes your DS could dabble in a bit of lad, low level crime, the money that is not given by you and his dad, suggest this might be the case, but he could be on the path to ruining his and your life.

I have told school about the money but they didn’t seem overly concerned as it’s not large sums. They were very calm and said they don’t worry until there is more concrete evidence of drugs which they say there isn’t and that he engages well there and is polite and lovely, but is in with a very bad crowd 😥

The problem is I don’t know how to know more about him 😥I always check in with him, offer a chance to talk or not talk, just go for a drive or grab a Starbucks but he doesn’t want anything to do with me and is out most of the time now 😥