AIBU to keep co-sleeping with my toddler and sleep separately?

[Ange1502]

What’s everyone’s thoughts on long term co sleeping and sleeping separately from your partner? My daughter is 2, and I haven’t slept in the same room or bed with my partner since she was born.

He is suggesting it’s time to come back together, however I actually cannot imagine sleeping next to him again. The snoring, the being woke up with multiple alarms, the tv on, eating in bed, the list goes on. Is it unfair of me to keep sleeping away from him? My daughter still wakes multiple times per night and also still breastfeeding, which is why we still cosleep!

Neither of you are unreasonable, you need to find a compromise that works for you both.

It’s not really normal for a couple who love each other to sleep apart but it sounds like you are living with a pig not a man. Are you using your child as a barrier as an excuse not to be near him.

Our bed is a screen, food, laptop, pet and child free zone. Can’t do much about snoring though. Fortunately DH doesn’t.

I'm currently in bed with my 5 and 8 year old, my lovely DH is next door stretched out in our super king bed snoring away happily.
He doesn't mind thankfully, it's always just seemed natural to me to sleep woth the kids so that works for us all. I imagine it's a problem if a partner is not on board but after 25 years together it doesn't trigger any insecurity in him so this is how we do it.

Your DH has slept alone in the marital bed for 2 years. He’s going to be feeling lots of complex emotions about that. To him it may well feel like you had a baby, and holed-up with the baby, just the two of you, separated off from him. Try to imagine how you’d feel if the situation were reversed.

A child of 2 should not need to be waking in the night to breastfeed. They’re on 3 meals a day plus snacks. Maybe a bedtime feed if you’re doing extended BF-ing, and then down to bed at a normal time (7ish) in their own lovely decorated bedroom in their own bed. You can spend 1:1 time as adults with your DH, and hope to rebuild some of the dwindling emotional and physical intimacy you once had as a couple before toddler came along.

I’m 15yrs on from that stage and can say I’ve seen many a marriage never recover from the kind of stuff above.

I guess this really depends on whether you value your relationship or not ultimately

a bedtime feed maybe yes although I stopped before then but appreciate this is a personal decision, however being on tap all night I’d say no at 2 as the child will be eating normally

You're not unreasonable to continue doing something that works for your family but it sounds like your partner is saying that it doesn't work for him anymore so it's time to reassess things.

You are allowed to get a good night sleep, you are allowed to have a preference about how you sleep and you can tell him no, it doesn’t work right now, I’m co-sleeping with child.

I genuinely thought I had a sleep disorder until I realised when he was out of the bed whilst I co-sleep, no I’m just woken repeatedly by DH.

its easier said than done but makes life an awful lot nicer. I’ve done this when my marriage was great (no impact on sex life) and whilst my marriage is almost over (inevitably it doesn’t help intimacy if you are avoiding it) but separate beds doesn’t need to mean end of relationship

There is no need for her feeding at night at 2 years old . That’s a habit . Your husband is not happy with the arrangement anymore so you both need to work it out and compromise.

You are using your daughter as an excuse because you don’t like your husband.

YANBU, but your DH isn't being unreasonable to be unhappy with the situation either. A two year old doesn't need to feed through the night so you both know that it's really a choice to be away from him. Talking it though and reaching a compromise is what people in a good relationship would do. Are you in a good relationship?

It sounds like you need a proper conversation with your partner about sleep hygiene and habits. After two years apart it sounds like he's got into some bad habits and I wonder who is more in need of the co-sleeping, you or your child?

Have you thought about night weaning? We did and it fixed the night wakings.

I would feel the same as your husband tbh. Although without all the bad habits. Maybe talk to him about that?

It’s not really normal for a couple who love each other to sleep apart

Nonsense. If sleeping together is not working for one of the party, sleeping apart is better than keeping someone sleep deprived. Resenting your partner for your lack of sleep is not conducive to a good relationship!

You are making a rod for your own back. Your toddler needs to learn to self sooth and sleep independently and what about intimacy with your DH? That must be tricky for sleeping. Your relationship will take a hit which won't be super for you toddler either...This is the perfect time to address the eating in beef and telly. Say no tv or food in bedroom and you're in. The snoring he can't help but there are effective ear plugs.

By the sounds of it l wouldn’t be sleeping by either of them! Your partner has some grim habits. Your toddler should be sleeping through by now and l wouldn’t be entertaining the multiple wake ups by them either

I think your daughter has nothing to do with your decision really.

She doesn’t need the breastfeeding anymore at night she needs to learn self settle and better now than later- so she should be in her own bed.

However, snoring and eating HELL NO!!! That’s disgusting and disturbing your sleep so if he really wants to be back in the same bed as you he needs to be trying to stop snoring and no more food in bed … yuk … all the crumbs bleurgh

I don't think sleeping apart is necessarily a bad thing. I know there's a sleep book called Sleepung Apart, Not Falling Apart. One if the best things you can do for your marriage is for everyone to get as good a night's sleep as possible.

My Dc ended up being ND and needing to cosleep for years and years. It was less of an issue here though as DH and I were already in separate beds, then separate rooms die to severe insomnia. I've never understood the desire to sleep in the same bed - my experience is it involves not being able to sleep and scared to move in case it disturbs your partner, whochnis far from relaxing and far from building a good relationship.

Do whatever works for you and your child. Talk to your DP about it.

We’re co-sleeping and have night bfs too. Lots of people saying wean/don’t do it to you but it’s not their choice. I say it works for us and I’m happy to do it. Our boy has a (childhood - they grow out of it) tendency to hypos so we think he does still need to feed at night. The Dr literally told us that.

Whole family is in one bed currently but I like the idea of the snoring man having his own space, heh.

It seems a bit unreasonable to be upset by the concept of someone having alarms to wake them up in the morning... presumably to get up and go to work?

It sounds like you have found a fairly comfortable way to pass the night and avoid waking early, but that doesn't feel exactly like sharing the burdens of partnership.

What would you do if you had another child? Spend another 2 years sleeping with them?

(Bad bed habits aside) I can see why he might feel a bit aggrieved.

It's no-one's business but yours and your partner. Frankly the eating and TV in bed sounds awful to me, no wonder you don't want to go back. At 2 years I'd be looking at some gentle night weaning and look at her schedule to reduce the night wakes. We found it easier to night wean by my DH going to her for the first half of the night. once we did night wean, mine slept through (at around 18 months). Cut her nap really short and do later bedtime - sounds like she needs to be more tired.
I personally don't see any issue with couples sleeping apart, if they get more sleep, but you do have to listen to your partner's feelings. But he needs to make your bed an inviting place to go back to, which currenty it doesn't sound like.

You have quite a few reasons to cosleep with your child.

One of the main ones from reading what you wrote here at least, is I’m not getting a sense that you feel you are in a good marriage.

I really think you need to start communicating with your husband. It reads like he is giving you the ick with his behaviour in bed.

Is this about sex or sleeping arrangements?

DD1 coslept until 4, she had her own bed in her own room from 2 but she’d always come in at some point in the night and scooch in. DH and I were always in the same bed plus me or other child coming in, it’s not either or.

I think this is more about the state of your relationship. He feels, rightly from what else you say, that you’ve ditched him for your child and he wants to know if you’re ever coming back or if he’ll sleep alone forever with no discussion. Which is very fair. You sound like my friend who decided that once she’d had her baby she was done with her partner.