To end being NC with the In-laws for the children?

[Rattymcratty]

I snapped three years ago and decided to go NC with PIL, especially my MIL, and I’ve refused to have any form of communication with them. We’ve had two kids in this time, but now it’s getting to the point where I think maybe I should soften for DD sake. A few people I’m close to have mentioned that maybe it’s time to let it go/accept that they’re DD grandparents/Is me being NC best interests for the kids…

I have real reasons for being NC with MIL, I posted a lot during the run up and afterwards which seemed like an unanimous ‘go NC/your DH is enmeshed/grey rock/move to Australia…’ in an ideal world DH would have gone NC of his own accord but for various reasons he’s comfortable keeping them at now arms length, facilitation them seeing the kids 3-4 times a year, ignoring any continuous manipulation/nasty comments and quickly nips their natural default in the bud especially if its in-front of the kids.

He is 100% supportive of me being NC and is on the same page with opinions regarding them both.

In all honesty I didn’t want them having any contact with the baby but I swallowed it for DH benefit. Now DD is 2.5 and she’s asking a lot regarding grandparents, and as my parents are no longer with us, I do wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Currently I stay upstairs when they visit and I refer to them as ‘Daddy’s Mummy/Daddy’ as I cannot bear the idea of them being her actual grandparents. But on the other hand I feel bad she’s potentially missing out as I adored spending time with my grandparents/see grandparents with their grandchildren and it makes me sad that DD isn’t having the full ‘grandparent’ experience. She’s also picking up that I stay upstairs, I want to do what’s best for DD and is it even possible for me to remain NC with them with kids involved.

They are desperate for all of us to unite but they refuse to take any accountability/apologise for the horrendous time they forced upon us to led to me to go NC in the first place. It was a mixture of them threatening to ‘disowning’ us, forbidding BILs to attend our wedding so we cancelled it a few weeks beforehand (lost ££££ in deposits!) as we didn’t want to make BILs pick/it felt ruined (MIL was upset she wasn’t planning our wedding as she had fond memories of planning her wedding with her mum and she didn’t have any DD to have that experience. Was upset and disappointed that DH took my side as didn’t like our choices on flowers, or fresh flowers, colour choices, guest list, venue, honeymoon location, no engagement party, private engagement moment, my wedding shoes, catering, evening entertainment, DH picked my ring without her, not going wedding dress shopping in her home town, not having mums at the hen do, paying for the wedding ourselves, wedding too far for her sister to travel as she can’t leave her dogs for long…), threatened DH that I had to attend every weekly Sunday lunch unless it was my mum’s birthday (how kind!) and then threatened to disown us unless we promised to keep them involved in ‘their unborn grandchild’s life’ as we went to a last minute scan (as I thought I was miscarrying) and only let them know afterwards with a nice picture instead of ‘involving them in their first child child’s scan’ as I had politely requested some space. We were genuinely under so much pressure/stress from them my own family told me to pull the wedding/contact for the baby sake. A few months later MIL ended her silence like nothing happened (she’s later said they were only joking/didn’t mean any of it/it was our choice to cancel the wedding/of course they would have came/her problem is that she cares too much/DH shouldn’t have told me about any of their disagreements/DH was at fault for asking them to give me space as families like ‘ours’ don’t do boundaries…)

They’re still the same narcissistic/rely on manipulation/victim mentality but the difference is that now it doesn’t hurt DH like it used to (‘this rift is making us very upset, heart conditions run in this family and you’ll have blood on your hands if we die this year’ etc etc) and he’s not afraid to implement boundaries when before he would have been anxious for a fall out if he didn’t say ‘how high’ when being told to jump.

Whilst I don’t want them having nothing to do with our kids, they do. I don’t want to be the same person they are by giving ultimatums/manipulation to DH to stop all contact. As they do have contact with them, maybe I should? But then I also think how on earth I could be in the same room with them, be civil at best and not be able to cut the atmosphere with a knife. There’s no denying it, I hate them, we were friendly beforehand but I was extremely tolerant/let things slide for family sake. I don’t know how I could ever bite my tongue ever again, and I used to during every single encounter. Literally every special moment me and DH have ever had, MIL has made it about her…

Ugh, I’m ranting! Emotions are high, they’ve recently visited, sent messages to DH wanting to make amends, DD asking questions and my own family making me doubt my decision.

It's difficult as DH still sees them, they come to your home and your DC have some sort of relationship with them.

I entirely empathise as my IL did all that and more - but now we are completely NC so luckily I dont have the decision to make.

I did try after the first (2nd/3rd + +) falling out to give them the chance to redeem themselves. Bit my tongue for DH sake. He like yours grew a bit more backbone as he was now involved in my more "normal" family.

Unfortunately they just couldn't behave themselves and did unredeemable things. DC was too young to understand that they didn't see Daddy's parents and now as a young teen understand that not all people who become parents are good at it and thats why we dont see them.

In your shoes I did give them a chance, to support DH and I suppose to keep up with appearances- as its not usual to be a normal, reasonable person who has never had trouble in her life to suddenly have major major issues with people who are meant to be close family members.

Unfortunately or as I now see it very fortunately they couldn't behave and the relationship they had with their son is irreparable broken due to their own actions.

Its a very difficult position to be in OP and a hard choice to know what to do best.

Mentally I probably would have been better keeping my distance, but I didnt want DH to face them alone - AND a major part of me didnt trust them with my DC, both responsibility wise and not to drip poisonous things about me/DH to them

Honestly? I don’t know why you or DH think it’s a good idea for your children to have contact with them. They behave in ways that you as adults found extremely stressful and unpleasant. Why do you think your kids should be exposed to that?

We are NC with some family members, LC with others. Nobody gets to spend time with my kids if I think their behaviour is upsetting/confusing.

What they did to you they'll do to your kids once they get to the age where they aren't as malleable and are getting their own ideas that differ from your in laws.

I think you'll regret starting up contact again.

I wouldn’t want the kids having contact with them. As PPs have said, if they were toxic with you and your husband, they will be over the kids too.

Why on earth would you want to put your children through this? Whilst it will take time there will be the little digs here and there, there will be favouritism.

You had a good relationship with your GP presumably because they were good people.

not worth your mental health or your children’s to let them back in. Stay nc

Oh, OP, that's so hard.

For what it's worth, I have concluded that for me, the pain and stress isn't worth it. They won't change.

All my siblings were no contact for decades. I was hanging by a thread but stayed in touch, while protecting the children from the worst of it.

I made the wrong call, and I regret it.

As they still refuse to take any accountability for the way they behaved I'd continue to steer clear. MIL will probably see it as her being in the right if you give in....Guessing her first words would be along the lines of "so, youv'e come to your senses then"

MIL harped on about disowning you, I'd have long ago looked her in the eye and said "oh please do"

They've had their crack of the whip with their own DC, these are you DC and hopefully they don't start dictating to your DH how they should be bought up.

I think you would be mad to start having contact again.

I know that you’re thinking about all the lovely times you had with your grandparents, but your grandparents were very different people. Your in laws had no issues making their son believe that there was no option but to go along with what they wanted. Do you think that they’d hesitate to do the same with their grandchildren?

You don’t have to be mean about them. You just have to explain that different families have different ways of doing things and mostly, everyone can compromise, but sometimes compromise isn’t possible and it’s better to keep a distance so that your mutual loved one doesn’t feel forced to choose between you. It’s good for them to know that it’s ok to question their grandparents behaviour if there’s anything they aren’t happy with.

They are desperate for all of us to unite but they refuse to take any accountability/apologise for the horrendous time they forced upon us to led to me to go NC in the first place.

So they haven't had any counseling or therapy or done any work on themselves. There is no change in them. So why would you think re-establishing contact would end in anything other than them being overbearing, your kids eventually going through what you did, and you going no contact again.

Stay NC. They won’t have changed

What happens when they do something NC-worthy again? Or to your children?

It will happen. And that might be confusing for your kids to have them vanish, so is it worth spinning the roulette wheel again?

I think you should stay NC, so I voted YABU. They have never apologised so they will not change.

Jesus, protect your children from these absolute watermelons. Really do consider moving to Australia. It's not too late