AIBU to expect no shouting during arguments with my partner?

[Ghostessgirl]

DP thinks I’m U as I’ve asked him not to shout at me during arguments.

Im extremely over sensitive and hate being shouted at. I just freeze, can’t think of what to say and start crying. I hate this, it makes me feel weak. I had an extremely abusive relationship in my early 20s and I wonder if it stems from that.

Each time we have an argument, I’ve shared with him after about my past and how it’s affected me. Each time he apologises, says he’s working on his anger and that he will try and not shout. Next time he always does.

Now hes started saying “sticks and stones, grow up” if I mention it. He says he can’t control it, and that I’m controlling him by asking him to stop.

He doesn’t stop once he’s started either, I’ll be standing there with tears streaming down my face and he just carries on. Not a flinch of stopping.

I’m worried the neighbours can hear him. At the moment he’s giving up smoking (cigarettes) and so he says he can’t help the shouting.

aibu to think that you don’t need to shout in an argument and you CAN control it?

Get rid of him. Dont put up with that shit.

OP, I would really recommend that you and DH organise counselling to talk this through. A good counsellor will be able to help you to understand each other's styles of conflict and give you some tools to communicate better.

I don't think it's quite as simple as saying "shouting = bad". But I think this is definitely something that can be improved if you are both prepared to work on it.

Leave he's an idiot. Nobody should be shouting at you!

This is also an abusive relationship. Shouting at you is abusive. Continuing to shout at you while you’re frozen with fear and tears streaming down your face is alarmingly abusive.

He says he can’t change. Believe him and leave.

Do you argue a lot?

This, do you argue a lot but when he argues back, you then call that abuse?

He should not be shouting at you. It is more than likely learned behaviour, some families are loud in general and shouty when they disagree.
He’s not the one for you, he needs a shouter. He’s dismissive towards your feelings and has mocked you. If he wants a fish wife he’ll find one.

Once lived next to a family who were very loud and shouted all the time in their house, but they never did when talking to any of us. They weren't actually nasty, it was just what they did, but it did seem a bit weird to me. I totally respect some people are hearing impaired/seem to process sounds differently, but they weren't-it was just like their norm when they discussed things.

Does he shout at his boss? His friends? If something pisses him off at the supermarket, does he start yelling at people?

I doubt it, which means he can control it.

Do not put up with his bullshit. You deserve better.

Don’t go to counselling with an abuser. This is not about conflict styles. I bet he manages just fine not to shout at other men. Is he punching holes in doors as well?

Pistacio what is your point? You once knew somebody who shouted because they were hearing impeared - how is that remotely relevant here?

Shouts and mocks you while you sob. The man who is meant to move you and be there for you. The person you feel safe with? He is abusive - keep yourself safe and you will feel much better.

Ignore

I would not be with a man who shouted at me. I hate it. Red line for me. Grown ups learn to be assertive without being aggressive. It’s an important life skill.

How many arguments do you have?!

I've been with DH for 25+ years and we've probably had 3 or 4 disagreements (not arguments) in all that time. If you're bickering or arguing all the time then maybe call it a day.

It's abusive.

I never called it abuse

Of course you're not unreasonable.

I'm not over sensitive, but I absolutely do not tolerate anybody shouting at me. If you have to raise your voice to make your point then your point isn’t worth listening to.

This. He has literally told you who he is - very clearly. He needs someone whom he can’t reduce to tears and you need someone who can disagree in a reasonable tone of voice. End it.

That isn’t what they said.

Why do you argue so much?

He sounds horrible. Ditch him.

Shame. Because that's what it sounds like.

What a bully. Shouting and Making you cry. Making you afraid. Mocking you.
this is abuse.
leave for sure.

What is stopping you leaving @Ghostessgirl ? Jointly owned house? Children?