AIBU to expect shared school runs if I return to work?

[Takeabreak22]

My husband works self employed, I'm a SAHM, recently self employed, trying to build a business. We've a 1 year old and 4 year old who's starting reception and we recently decided it would be best for me to continue trying to build my own business so I don't have to try and get a boss to accept school pickups or holidays or just general small children things like appointments and sickness. Now he's talking about me getting employment in September as youngest is starting nursery part time and eldest, reception and I just kind of lost it.

I've had countless interviews and had to be real with them about school, kids etc so many jobs didn't suit myself or them. I'm not looking for a free for all job but I do have some limits. There's no village. Anyway I then asked him to take some of the pickups or even drop offs until she's ready for before/after clubs and it was apparently a very unreasonable request. So I said you can't have it both ways, me being employed at this moment in our lives and both nursery and school runs and appointments and sick days.. you get it.

It's a bit of a stressful time for us as he thinks I don't understand how hard he works then comes home and does whatever with the kids and I'm feeling very much like he doesn't understand being a SAHM, along with starting a business and now pondering employment for the "ease". Yes ease on our bank balance but no ease on me. I won't get into the domestic side but while he isn't useless he would need prompting a lot and it's not 50/50 which I don't mind so much as I am at home... He just said none of his mates ever did it and they have wives working (much older kids than us and night shifts) which I think is a lame justification. Hello. Please. 😭😅

This is why I haven’t returned to work after DC2. Worked full time and did all the drop offs and pickups for DC1, but the pressure would have been too much with two, so YANBU. Thankfully we can live very comfortably off DP’s salary and that’s the way he prefers it (ie he’d rather pay for everything and have me deal with the kid stuff), but if you’re returning to work DP needs to do his fair share.

I’d just say if we are both working the household and childcare is split. Why would you work full time and then pull an extra xtra shift at home if he’s not willing to do the same.

My exh used to moan at me to get a job. We lived where he insisted. At least 90 mins from my dm and I didn't drive ..
His dsis got free childcare for all 6 of her dc from the ils...
Never ever did he do a school run or attend any dc related appointments..
Not sure how 4 under 7 and me working would have panned out..

There is a lot of information missing from this post.
Are you struggling financially and that is why he suggests you get an employed role? How is his business doing?
What is yours and is it actually viable? Usually it's the men on here who want to quit work to set up a business which takes time and investment. Maybe he is concerned that you don't have the finances to actually set up a business right now.

Also many children in reception (and even nursery) at my school attend the wrap around provision. My own children attended longer hours of daycare when they were in nursery than they ever did in school and no harm came to them, like the many other children who attend.

You’re not being unreasonable. Why have you been job hunting though if you’re building a business? You might be best off growing this. Self employment has been the answer for me - my youngest is now year 5 but through most of her primary years I’ve been freelance and it makes all the difference. The autonomy to be able to decide to do sports day or reading assembly or whatever and catch up later is honestly the difference between sanity and insanity. You cannot do a corporate role without a village. And you definitely can’t do it with a useless OH who won’t pitch in. Why is men’s self-employment never as flexible as women’s is?!! Why couldn’t he commit to two days of drop-offs, for example, so that you could get on the commute (if needed)? I’m single but sometimes I do wonder how mush difference a partner would even make!

I literally can't think of any two-parent families we are friends with where the dad doesn't share drop-offs/pick-ups, even if they share isn't even (although it often is). I feel like I live in a different universe to some MN men sometimes.

My husband and I share all school stuff equally. There are loads of Dads at the school gate, it is completely normal. And I am talking lawyers, surgeons, software developers, bankers (both sexes). All my young male colleagues at work take paternity leave and work flexibly around child care commitments.

Your husband is a dinosaur. Is he much older than you?

He acts like one but actually almost 2 years younger. We aren't too old, not too young. Very set in his ways. I did say this to him that so many dads do it even at little ones nursery now and manage to make it work but because his pals don't do it, that's enough for him. I'm trying to sleep but just can't wrap my head around it.

He acts like one but actually almost 2 years younger. We aren't too old, not too young. Very set in his ways. I did say this to him that so many dads do it even at little ones nursery now and manage to make it work but because his pals don't do it, that's enough for him. I'm trying to sleep but just can't wrap my head around it.

Oh he needs to do half of everything!!! Half of the school runs half of the housework half of the cooking etc etc etc. Fucking men.

You need to give him two options:

Either 1. School runs + working is easy, in which case he won’t mind doing half of them.

Or 2. School runs + working is difficult, in which case it’s not fair for just one person to do them all and you should both do half.

Which does he want 🤷‍♀️

And what other people do or don’t do in their relationships has fuck all to do with what you do in yours, so his “none of my mates do it” argument just makes him sound like a teenager trying to get out of doing the washing up 🙄

If both are working, generally I would agree but it does depending on the job. Eg if dad wfh and can take breaks when he likes and mum is an operating theatre nurse, he should do all/most of them.
If your husband's mates all have wives with very flexible jobs, and theirs aren't, then ok. But it seems unlikely.
Most people also have to use some breakfast/afternoon if they don't have help, though you could look at sharing some pick ups etc with friends/family in the future, if that becomes possible. Again, if you're both working the same hours you shouldn't be doing everything though.