AIBU to think teenage love is just part of growing up?

[YellowBirdSong]

Son is 15 and is totally in love with his girlfriend of same age. She feels the same. They have lots in common and seem to genuinely get on incredibly well.

A relative thinks it’s too much to say they love each other and tries to play it down to me like I shouldn’t be allowing it. I know it may well all end in tears but isn’t this all part of growing up?

I remember how strongly I felt about one particular person in my teens. Heartbroken when he ditched me and spent hours crying over him. I learned a lot from that relationship. He was actually a dick which I realised in time !!

it doesn’t affect school as they are at different schools. They both see friends and do their own hobbies etc. I feel like it’s a special thing when you connect with someone as it doesn’t happen all that often throughout life. (I haven’t said that to him).

yabu - teens are too young to deal with these strong emotions and should be discouraged

yanbu - it’s all part of growing up and a learning process for future relationships

Why are you so mentally involved in a simple young teenage relationship, that you’re discussing it with a relative and Mumsnet?

Teenagers have been dating since time began.

My 17 year old daughter was in a relationship for 18 months when she was 15. They were ‘in love’ and I was dreading them breaking up as I thought she would be distraught, right as she was doing her GCSE’s. In the end, he became very possessive and controlling and she broke up with him 2 weeks after their prom. She said she didn’t want to be a relationship where she felt stifled and walking on eggshells. I was beyond proud of her. She had done at 16 what I didn’t do til I was 40. She realised her relationship was toxic, decided she was worth more and dumped him!!
it was a harsh but necessary life lesson. She knows what she is worth and what she wants from a relationship

I met my partner at 16, been together 20 years. My parents met at 15, still together now so some teen relationships are very real and do last, and if they don't that's great to learn from

I've noticed a bit of a cultural shift over the past generation. We used to think as you do, that this was all normal and expected. I myself was in an intense (but otherwise healthy and appropriate) relationship at 16 and so were several friends. I don't feel it did me any lasting damage and look back on that time with affection, although I have sometimes wished I hadn't sacrificed so much time with friends.

However I've noticed nowadays it's more common to think that it's too young and age to handle big emotions, sex and the intensity of it all, and it distracts from schoolwork and so on. You'll see the "strictly no boyfriends until 18" and "no one that age is mature enough to be sexually active" brigade on here.

I'm somewhere in the middle, I think it's good that it's become acceptable to not have a girlfriend or boyfriend until a later age and that it's now more okay for those who want to wait to do so. But I also don't like the blanket "it's too young" approach either, I believe some are ready at that age like your son sounds to be, some aren't and both are fine. It becomes not-fine when it's so intense it is to the exclusion of everything else, like friendships.

They may go the distance or they make break up in 2 weeks, but right now they feel they are happy and in love and it seems that they are keeping up with school, friends and hobbies I don’t see an issue.

My mum made me break up with a boyfriend at that age and I absolutely hated her for it.

I met my partner when we were both 18. We're in our thirties now.

It’s a part of growing up if you’re lucky, and probably straight. Let’s just say my chances of experiencing it as a closeted teen in a deeply homophobic rural school were small. Though yes, I’m sure it would have been useful.

Because when it's happening in your house, you love the person it's affecting and are in tune with the tiniest nuances of their mood, it's part of your life too.
My DC has recently split with their partner of 4 years, and we all miss this person in our family life, having got so used to them being around all the time.

‘In love’ at that age is most often hormone driven. I was in love with my boyfriend at 17, but by 19 had outgrown him. I still cherish my first love, and yes it was love but it’s a different kind of love at that age. There’s a reason the Greeks had so many words for ‘love’. Try not to label it. Just let them work through it. Of all my peers I know 3 people who are still with the person they met and loved at 15!

I've been thinking about this a lot recently.

When I was that age I was consumed with boys, at the expense of achieving my academic potential and to the detriment of some friendships. A lot of our worth (my peers included) was tied to how desirable we were to the opposite sex, and how invested they were in us.

My teens are their pals are very different. Romantic relationships are secondary to friendships, hobbies and niche interests.

I think it's great for them. I wish I'd been more like them. But I also loved all the drama and butterflies of early love.

As long as it's not to the detriment of other aspects of their lives, I think it's fine.

Ahh young love! Of course it's normal and healthy - I had a boyfriend at 15 who I was absolutely head over heels in love with! It's all so intense because it's all new, you haven't become cynical yet and the hormones are raging 😂 we broke up after a few months and I cried for weeks and weeks. I've seen him a few times in adulthood and although it's lovely to chat and catch up, I wouldn't fancy the bald, middle aged version of him 😏

I met my husband at 17, married him at 18 and still married to him now at 55! So sometimes young love does last ☺️

I definitely loved my first proper boyfriend, lost my virginity to him at 17, then we went off to uni and I'd dumped him at 19 when I realised how much more there was to life!

Let them enjoy it, they'll last or they won't, like every single relationship!

I think it's normal and teen relationships can last, but at the same time I think they're the minority.

I wouldn't be encouraging DC to have intense romantic relationships at that age, but if it happened and it seemed healthy I'd support them.

My first proper relationship was 20-25. I was absolutely crushed by it's end, and took a decade to get over. I wonder if it would have been better to date around more beforehand - if it would have made me more confident that I'd find love again. I'm not sure though. First love is difficult.

I had boyfriends throughout secondary school and sixth form as a teen- and genuinely had deep feelings for them, and possibly really loved one. The relationships would last anything from 6 months to 2-3 years! I still managed to get good grades, do well at uni and succeed in life. They weren't a huge distraction, but I enjoyed spending time with them and learning about relationships.

In fact, those early semi-serious (as serious as you can be as a teen with no responsibilities!) were a good chance to make some mistakes without it being catastrophic and learn what traits to avoid when I was an adult! One breakup I recall being really very upset (I was 18 by then) and once out the other side I promised never to get so low about a man ever again - and I've kept that promise (so far.... I've been with DH for 16 years and have 2 DCs, so if it went south with him I'd maybe allow myself to grieve!)

I know a happily married pair who started dating aged 15 and are still together over fifty years later! So it can happen… just not that often, tbh.

Interesting question. All about balance, if the relationship seems ‘healthy’, they are still seeing friends/hobbies etc and the lines of communication are open with parents, then I don’t think it’s too young.

In all honesty, having a ‘boyfriend’ at 15 didnt work out well for me. I was so consumed by my ‘first love’ at 15 and was devastated for ages when he dumped me. But I also realise now how toxic it was and how pressured I felt into having sex (he dumped me after) when I just wasn’t ready which unfortunately had consequences. I couldn’t really talk openly about sex/relationships with my mum which I think made the difference between something that might have been normal part of growing up and what I consider to be part of a traumatic part of my life.

I’m not ‘so mentally involved’ but am involved obviously as it’s my son’s life and a big part of it right now.

He was talking to my relative and me about her. My relative then commented to me after.

I can post a thread to see what people’s opinions are on something that interests me. It’s not that big a deal !

Great life lesson, I agree

I know of a few relationships that started from teenage years. I don’t know why people have an issue with it. It either works out or it doesn’t. I know my grandparents generation generally met their partners pretty young

Thank you

My son got together with his first girlfriend at 15 and were together for two years. First sexual experience for both and at the time they were practically naming their children! But it ran its course (helped along by the pandemic). When they talked about the future we just smiled and went along with it - yes it could last but unlikely too (my stepson has been married for 8 years to his first girlfriend he met at 16, so I know it happens),
Love at that age is as legitimate as at any age. It may be shorter lived, but may not. It’s very patronising to say they don’t know what love means - you don’t til you experience it and that’s what they are doing! As for ‘not allowing it’, just what are you expected to do?

What a wonderfully helpful and thoughtful comment.

Why does anyone discuss anything on Mumsnet??

I met my husband at 16, got engaged at 18 and married at 22. We've been together 30 years and married for 25 so it happens. I just knew he was a decent man.
On the other hand, our DD met a boy when they were both 15, they were together for 6 years but she felt he wasn't the one so she moved on.
Who knows where things will go if you don't treat things seriously?

All perfectly normal and you sound like you have a very sensible approach, OP!

Thank you everyone, really appreciate all the interesting stories and personal experiences.