To not know how to talk to 13 yo DS about ADHD/autism assessment

[Acunningruse]

13yo DS has struggled socially and with meltdowns his whole life. He has to be constantly moving, cannot sit still, struggles with loud noises and busy places, struggles to follow group conversations. He seems to find daily life overwhelming and will then meltdown at home and be aggressive, shout, bang doors etc.

Despite these struggles he will not engage in any conversation about possible neurodivergence. The lightest of conversations about “everyone’s brains working differently” and “getting support to help you fulfill your potential “ result in him crying and shouting “there’s nothing wrong with me, stop trying to tell me there is something wrong with me”. We have explained so many times that ADHD and autism are not illnesses but he will not accept it.
His younger sister is also on the waiting list to be assessed and she uses ear defenders, fidgets etc to help her stay regulated and sometimes we use assistance when travelling. He absolutely hates this as it makes us look “different “ and being a teenager is desperate to fit in.

I received the emails from the assessment provider today which indicate that he will soon receive an appointment to be assessed. I have absolutely no idea how to approach this with him. I have heard stories of some teenagers completely disengaging from their parents during the assessment process as they feel their parents betrayed them. Conversely I have friends with older teenagers who just about coped in school, but now wish they had a diagnosis.

i am so scared to broach it with him that Im considering cancelling the assessment, even though we have waited 18 months for this 😢

YABU - we should go ahead as it will benefit DS in the long run
YANBU- we should cancel as he is so resistant and it could damage our relationship

That’s tough. My 11 year old Ds has just been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and is happy about it because it explains his difficulties and he sees it as being more like me. I think this is rare though as I know of children who have been kept in the dark about the assessment or have totally refused to acknowledge the diagnosis.
He will get support, hopefully, if diagnosed and medication for ADHD which can be life changing. My son will be starting meds soon. He’s so disadvantaged by his ND so getting him assessed and treated is a step in the right direction to him filling his potential. As someone who struggled all her life I wish I’d have had the opportunity as a teenager. Is he scared of what is might mean for him? Would he write down his feelings if he won’t talk? Could you write to him? All the best x

Could you ask him very simply if he will consent to an assessment that will help rule it in or out?

My DD was extremely upset at the idea of an assessment and similarly denied having anything "wrong" with her but deep down she very much sensed that she was different (and this is doubtless what was behind all the distress about a potential diagnosis) and she did consent. She was determined to fool the assessors eg by making determined eye contact, but she was diagnosed.

At 13, if he's not consenting, I think it's worth seeing if you can postpone. He may not engage with the assessment anyway right now.

It sounds like you are saying all the right things and being neuroaffirming etc. It may just be that he needs longer to come to terms with who he is.